Recently I was at college again. There is often a big crowd relaxing in the evening. I have one close friend at college. He knows a lot of people and I accompany him when he meets other people. He has so many connections. He is really a very friendly person. He tries to improve the world a lot. I really have respect for that. He knows I am mentally ill and I ask myself how much of our interactions is a result of the fact that he pities me.
I have told him a lot. But usually I use euphemisms for my mental health. I don't want to burden him with all my negativity. I once have hinted very subtly that I have suicidal thoughts. I have the feeling he might forgot that again. I do a lot of jokes when I am around him. I also do that with other friends. I think I don't want that the only side my friends experience is my self-loathing, suicidal, bitter and resentful side. My other friends who I know for more than almost a decade know everything. Also that I am chronically suicidal and that I am seriously considering to kill myself in case I hit rock bottom again. I am really grateful that I have their support. This is probably the biggest gift in my whole life.
Now back to my college friend. I am going through a lot recently. Signs of mania, paranoia and a lot of suicidal thoughts. When we stood together there was a lot of silence. I am very ambivalent. He is really a trustworthy person. He can keep secrets. But it does not feel right to fully open up to him. We are not that close. But I barely have something to talk about except my insane mental state. It takes huge energy trying to control my brain. I worry a lot. It is a tough time for me. It feels like it is impossible for me open up with the full truth. I have the feeling it would scare him a lot when I explained everything. Like that I am already planning my suicide in case I hit rock bottom. It is a difficult consideration which topics I should avoid. I think many in this forum have made horrible experiences with opening up. I also had some negative experiences but I also had very good ones. I feel way better since some people know that I am not mentally stable.
I cannot really assess how much of our interaction stems from pity. This is why I rather avoid to open fully up in what a hell I am often living. He already helps me a lot.
Now back to the crowd experience. I was in this crowd. Many good looking college women and men were around me. Many enjoyed alcoholic substances, talked about festivals, how boring/annoying college stuff is, joked a little bit about daily stuff...I felt so fucking alienated. I feel way less lonely writing here in this forum despite the fact I am physicall alone in my room. I have the feeling I don't belong to these people. Most people in my age have way different routines and life experiences. I am so fucked. Mentally and my whole situation in general. I have so extreme existential sorrows. It felt surreal being in this crowd. Noone knows about the hell I am going through. When they look at me they just assume I was just another boring average student.
Being in this crowd really made me depressive. I think always when I am in this crowd my urge to tell him the truth becomes stronger. It feels like I have to clear things up that I am not one of them. Being in this crowd gave me the feeling of a collective consciousness. ( I hope that makes sense.) We shared the same experience. Having had a busy day in college and now trying to relax from this stress. But my whole situation is so completely different.
There is this song Life's A Mess from Juice WRLD. I had to think about that a lot to that time.
I belong with the one put on this Earth for me
Everybody has their someone, just gotta look and see
I'm screaming out, "Lord, help me, I've been lonely"
That's when you accept me, then you set me free
Maybe I felt so lonely in this crowd because most interactions were only small talk. But I am searching for a deeper conncetion. From some people I talked to I knew they are in a relationship. And I think for someone in my age it is quite seldom never been in a relationship. My desire for it is very strong. But I seem to be too ill for that. This is one of my reasons why I will probably kill myself. This increased my loneliness and alienation a lot. But I think another component of my loneliness is existential loneliness. That I am a prisoner in my own mind and that no matter how accurate I explain my pain the people won't feel it. They are just words.
I have told him a lot. But usually I use euphemisms for my mental health. I don't want to burden him with all my negativity. I once have hinted very subtly that I have suicidal thoughts. I have the feeling he might forgot that again. I do a lot of jokes when I am around him. I also do that with other friends. I think I don't want that the only side my friends experience is my self-loathing, suicidal, bitter and resentful side. My other friends who I know for more than almost a decade know everything. Also that I am chronically suicidal and that I am seriously considering to kill myself in case I hit rock bottom again. I am really grateful that I have their support. This is probably the biggest gift in my whole life.
Now back to my college friend. I am going through a lot recently. Signs of mania, paranoia and a lot of suicidal thoughts. When we stood together there was a lot of silence. I am very ambivalent. He is really a trustworthy person. He can keep secrets. But it does not feel right to fully open up to him. We are not that close. But I barely have something to talk about except my insane mental state. It takes huge energy trying to control my brain. I worry a lot. It is a tough time for me. It feels like it is impossible for me open up with the full truth. I have the feeling it would scare him a lot when I explained everything. Like that I am already planning my suicide in case I hit rock bottom. It is a difficult consideration which topics I should avoid. I think many in this forum have made horrible experiences with opening up. I also had some negative experiences but I also had very good ones. I feel way better since some people know that I am not mentally stable.
I cannot really assess how much of our interaction stems from pity. This is why I rather avoid to open fully up in what a hell I am often living. He already helps me a lot.
Now back to the crowd experience. I was in this crowd. Many good looking college women and men were around me. Many enjoyed alcoholic substances, talked about festivals, how boring/annoying college stuff is, joked a little bit about daily stuff...I felt so fucking alienated. I feel way less lonely writing here in this forum despite the fact I am physicall alone in my room. I have the feeling I don't belong to these people. Most people in my age have way different routines and life experiences. I am so fucked. Mentally and my whole situation in general. I have so extreme existential sorrows. It felt surreal being in this crowd. Noone knows about the hell I am going through. When they look at me they just assume I was just another boring average student.
Being in this crowd really made me depressive. I think always when I am in this crowd my urge to tell him the truth becomes stronger. It feels like I have to clear things up that I am not one of them. Being in this crowd gave me the feeling of a collective consciousness. ( I hope that makes sense.) We shared the same experience. Having had a busy day in college and now trying to relax from this stress. But my whole situation is so completely different.
There is this song Life's A Mess from Juice WRLD. I had to think about that a lot to that time.
I belong with the one put on this Earth for me
Everybody has their someone, just gotta look and see
I'm screaming out, "Lord, help me, I've been lonely"
That's when you accept me, then you set me free
Maybe I felt so lonely in this crowd because most interactions were only small talk. But I am searching for a deeper conncetion. From some people I talked to I knew they are in a relationship. And I think for someone in my age it is quite seldom never been in a relationship. My desire for it is very strong. But I seem to be too ill for that. This is one of my reasons why I will probably kill myself. This increased my loneliness and alienation a lot. But I think another component of my loneliness is existential loneliness. That I am a prisoner in my own mind and that no matter how accurate I explain my pain the people won't feel it. They are just words.
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