Insomniac Butterfly
Done
- Mar 24, 2025
- 29
Hi. I guess I'm back again.
I'm unsure of what I'm hoping saying this will accomplish, but just maybe it feels a tiny bit less lonely that way. None of this is in any order, just loose topic on my mind.
I've tried to keep a routine, but I can't keep one. Being around people overwhelms me so much that I stop doing anything. I don't blame them, but I don't know how to live with others. My grandmother retired recently, and I've felt so overwhelmed being stuck around her, soon, in a few months, it'll be the same with my grandfather.
I want company and solitude at the same time. I hate being watched or judged, even kindly. I overthink everything when someone, or even an animal, is nearby. I just want to work in peace without expectations. I'm exhausted with my own mind.
No place, no thing, no one feels right for me. Like I'm always a visitor wherever I go.
There undeniably are beautiful places, people, and things in this world, but none of them make me feel familiar or like I belong.
I'm so terrified of having new, overwhelming, or bad experiences, that I rather experience nothing or the same things over and over again alone in my room.
I'm scared how destructive I am being with my health. How little I truly care. I'm scared, but I don't care..
I'm being very destructive with what money I have left available to me. I've been selling all the things I've gotten over my life, but the easy things to sell ran out.. I've begun racking up credit card debt, and I'm just buying stupid stuff .. bandages to cover my gross dermatophagia fingers, alcohol, weed, cigarettes, incense, video games I can't even bring myself to play..
A few people have genuinely tried to meet and be here for me, but I don't know how to be close to anyone.. how could I be close to anyone when all I care about is getting high, punishing myself, and hopefully soon, finally out of here. I don't know how to show interest in anyone. I'm not even interested in the things I used to adore.
I wish I knew how to casually communicate, so I could chat with someone when I felt lonely, but it's too much to handle.
I don't have a sense of identity other than the things I've talked about here.
I'm very autistic.
I never had parents that taught me things or had a relationship with me.
I never grew up with friends.
I think I'm borderline or potentially antisocial.
I'm extremely paranoid.
How could I hope to have a positive experience with anyone?
I feel I am going crazy from the isolation.
I've always been isolated, but my agoraphobia has gotten so terrible, and I barely leave my house, unless it's walking alone to the nearby stores.
I'm chained to this house. I'm not able to drive, not with my ADHD keeping me from ever knowing what to focus on in what order, autism and having issues with finer motor controls, specifically in my fingers and legs, I'd jerk the wheel or slam the pedal, and all my other issues compound making it impossible.
I can't sustain myself. I'm such a horrible leech stealing so much of my grandparents money by living here and needing to be given all my necessities. They act happy to do it.. I don't like that one bit...
They seem content with me as I am. Though I believe they're somewhat concerned what I'm going to do when they leave themselves. I'm unsure. We don't talk much at all. We never have.
My mom and grandparents are all strangers to me. I've wanted to be closer to them. I've tried to be, but growing up they've all allowed and excused my slightly younger brother to do heinous things to me.
I say excused, but it's more accurate to say they don't believe he's done the things I've said he has, and when they do they don't really do anything about it. The best example I can briefly give is the first time he tried to stab to me death. We were around 8 and 9. I told my grandparents and all they could say was "he'd not do that, he's my brother," and they left it at that as far as I know. I could go so I'm depth into why he's terrible, but there's so much.. in short he's violent, beats people, neglects both his kids, very impulsive.
He made my life hell. I was his biggest target every day every year until around highschool. At that point I'd already given up on my family, being a real person, ever being loved, ever having a chance.
I remember trying to plot my death as a 10 year old.
I feel so small and insignificant. I know I am... I'm not a good person I don't think.
I see truly good people, how they think and care, convey their thoughts, and their sincerity while doing so, and I don't think that's me at all, despite so many claiming otherwise.
I'm tired of being disgusted with how I look.
I've always been disgusted with my body.
I've tried to transition my gender. I have, and did when I was 18, I'm 24 now.
Mostly everyone refers to me as a woman, even strangers. I don't know if they can tell.
It's not helped though. I hate how sunken and dark my eyes are. My skin is covered in blemishes, cuts, bruises, yellow sploches, birthmarks, stretch marks. My tummy is fat, and the rest of me is skin and bones from my eating disorder. My shoulders are wide.
My voice is abhorrent. I rarely can speak a sentence without my voice cutting out on me. I used to be so much better with speaking years ago. I hate how my body is acting and reacting to not having access to hormones for the past 16 months after having been on them for 5 years.
I miss my ex girlfriend/ best friend immensely. She was the only person I ever met that didn't feel like a chore talking to or being around, very much much the opposite. It was the only time I ever had a relationship of my own in any way.
I'd never been close to anyone before like so. I'd also never felt anything other than stagnation and decline before meeting her.
I had a job. I was learning to talk to my coworkers I'd ignored for years. I was making online friends. I got my license and wanted to try learning to drive again.
Unfortunately things didn't last.
I wasn't a good friend or partner, always anxious, paranoid, and being very overwhelming with how I spoke.
Even if I was, they likely wouldn't have lasted. I don't even know what exactly happened, but things just slowly died and she gave up on Life bit by bit, being forced to sacrifice pieces of herself from it all being too much.
I had nothing good to offer her.
She had nothing good to offer me.
With her gone all I had left were the pieces.
I tried to keep them. I liked who she helped me be, but they faded and all been overwritten with the original me.
I had nothing left I cared to keep. I made my coworkers not like me anymore, and I got bullied out of my job by my boss that hated me. I threw away all my online friends because I didn't care about life anymore.
I quit my job. why earn money. I'm going nowhere. I'm not wanted here. I'm terrible at what I do. My boss had been trying to get me out all year and my coworkers were the only thing stopping her.
I had nowhere else to go but further into my toxic feelings of blaming everyone, drug use, now I've been smoking for 8 or so months, and I went back to death being my only future. I wasn't going to get out of this alone ever. My family can't help me, mostly because of me. I don't want their help either. I can't help but think bad things about them.I don't care enough to get better for them. They're not nothing to me, but they don't really add much to my life at all. I think it's possible they do add something, but I don't know what it is, but it's nowhere near enough, nor do I want it. I'd have done anything to make her happy and fix our lives so we could be ourselves together and figure everything out one step at a time.
I didn't care about drugs or cigarettes or bad habits, or staying jobless. I'd have done everything to change, but not without her.
I try to piece together my life, but it is a haze. I can't remember so much. It's hard to place any of it in a timeline. It's hard to feel like it's all happened to me.
I couldn't hope to help anyone truly understand how I've grown to be so small and pathetic.
I feel so distraught and lost in the aftermath of my life. I feel like I've only let everyone down...
Abandoning my little nephew is the hardest part of dying. I don't understand why he seems to adore me specifically. All I do is play with him like everyone else. Im praying he won't ever remember me as he grows older. When I was 2 a family member I supposedly really loved was murdered, and I have no recollection of her at all. I really hope it's the same for him...
I get so overwhelmed with how energetic he is, and how it must be me that plays with him. I hate how even he makes me feel so shitty, I get irritated and just want to isolate myself in my bedroom until I die, and then I see his face, hear his laugh, and he's just rolling his little monster truck over me ignoring how utterly wrong I am,and Im reminded of how gross I am as a person.
I have no choice but to watch him when he comes, and I adore him. I want to watch him. All I can do is hold in the bad feelings and try to give him what he deserves and believes I am. I've been doing this so long with everyone, and I've grown too tired to keep on the mask. I want to keep it on. I like my self more with it, but it's shattering.
I can only put it in for him, barely, poorly, not for long ..
I'm tired of rotting in this bedroom.. I've almost experienced my entire life through a screen in here. I'm ready to die as soon as I can.
I'm unsure of what I'm hoping saying this will accomplish, but just maybe it feels a tiny bit less lonely that way. None of this is in any order, just loose topic on my mind.
I've tried to keep a routine, but I can't keep one. Being around people overwhelms me so much that I stop doing anything. I don't blame them, but I don't know how to live with others. My grandmother retired recently, and I've felt so overwhelmed being stuck around her, soon, in a few months, it'll be the same with my grandfather.
I want company and solitude at the same time. I hate being watched or judged, even kindly. I overthink everything when someone, or even an animal, is nearby. I just want to work in peace without expectations. I'm exhausted with my own mind.
No place, no thing, no one feels right for me. Like I'm always a visitor wherever I go.
There undeniably are beautiful places, people, and things in this world, but none of them make me feel familiar or like I belong.
I'm so terrified of having new, overwhelming, or bad experiences, that I rather experience nothing or the same things over and over again alone in my room.
I'm scared how destructive I am being with my health. How little I truly care. I'm scared, but I don't care..
I'm being very destructive with what money I have left available to me. I've been selling all the things I've gotten over my life, but the easy things to sell ran out.. I've begun racking up credit card debt, and I'm just buying stupid stuff .. bandages to cover my gross dermatophagia fingers, alcohol, weed, cigarettes, incense, video games I can't even bring myself to play..
A few people have genuinely tried to meet and be here for me, but I don't know how to be close to anyone.. how could I be close to anyone when all I care about is getting high, punishing myself, and hopefully soon, finally out of here. I don't know how to show interest in anyone. I'm not even interested in the things I used to adore.
I wish I knew how to casually communicate, so I could chat with someone when I felt lonely, but it's too much to handle.
I don't have a sense of identity other than the things I've talked about here.
I'm very autistic.
I never had parents that taught me things or had a relationship with me.
I never grew up with friends.
I think I'm borderline or potentially antisocial.
I'm extremely paranoid.
How could I hope to have a positive experience with anyone?
I feel I am going crazy from the isolation.
I've always been isolated, but my agoraphobia has gotten so terrible, and I barely leave my house, unless it's walking alone to the nearby stores.
I'm chained to this house. I'm not able to drive, not with my ADHD keeping me from ever knowing what to focus on in what order, autism and having issues with finer motor controls, specifically in my fingers and legs, I'd jerk the wheel or slam the pedal, and all my other issues compound making it impossible.
I can't sustain myself. I'm such a horrible leech stealing so much of my grandparents money by living here and needing to be given all my necessities. They act happy to do it.. I don't like that one bit...
They seem content with me as I am. Though I believe they're somewhat concerned what I'm going to do when they leave themselves. I'm unsure. We don't talk much at all. We never have.
My mom and grandparents are all strangers to me. I've wanted to be closer to them. I've tried to be, but growing up they've all allowed and excused my slightly younger brother to do heinous things to me.
I say excused, but it's more accurate to say they don't believe he's done the things I've said he has, and when they do they don't really do anything about it. The best example I can briefly give is the first time he tried to stab to me death. We were around 8 and 9. I told my grandparents and all they could say was "he'd not do that, he's my brother," and they left it at that as far as I know. I could go so I'm depth into why he's terrible, but there's so much.. in short he's violent, beats people, neglects both his kids, very impulsive.
He made my life hell. I was his biggest target every day every year until around highschool. At that point I'd already given up on my family, being a real person, ever being loved, ever having a chance.
I remember trying to plot my death as a 10 year old.
I feel so small and insignificant. I know I am... I'm not a good person I don't think.
I see truly good people, how they think and care, convey their thoughts, and their sincerity while doing so, and I don't think that's me at all, despite so many claiming otherwise.
I'm tired of being disgusted with how I look.
I've always been disgusted with my body.
I've tried to transition my gender. I have, and did when I was 18, I'm 24 now.
Mostly everyone refers to me as a woman, even strangers. I don't know if they can tell.
It's not helped though. I hate how sunken and dark my eyes are. My skin is covered in blemishes, cuts, bruises, yellow sploches, birthmarks, stretch marks. My tummy is fat, and the rest of me is skin and bones from my eating disorder. My shoulders are wide.
My voice is abhorrent. I rarely can speak a sentence without my voice cutting out on me. I used to be so much better with speaking years ago. I hate how my body is acting and reacting to not having access to hormones for the past 16 months after having been on them for 5 years.
I miss my ex girlfriend/ best friend immensely. She was the only person I ever met that didn't feel like a chore talking to or being around, very much much the opposite. It was the only time I ever had a relationship of my own in any way.
I'd never been close to anyone before like so. I'd also never felt anything other than stagnation and decline before meeting her.
I had a job. I was learning to talk to my coworkers I'd ignored for years. I was making online friends. I got my license and wanted to try learning to drive again.
Unfortunately things didn't last.
I wasn't a good friend or partner, always anxious, paranoid, and being very overwhelming with how I spoke.
Even if I was, they likely wouldn't have lasted. I don't even know what exactly happened, but things just slowly died and she gave up on Life bit by bit, being forced to sacrifice pieces of herself from it all being too much.
I had nothing good to offer her.
She had nothing good to offer me.
With her gone all I had left were the pieces.
I tried to keep them. I liked who she helped me be, but they faded and all been overwritten with the original me.
I had nothing left I cared to keep. I made my coworkers not like me anymore, and I got bullied out of my job by my boss that hated me. I threw away all my online friends because I didn't care about life anymore.
I quit my job. why earn money. I'm going nowhere. I'm not wanted here. I'm terrible at what I do. My boss had been trying to get me out all year and my coworkers were the only thing stopping her.
I had nowhere else to go but further into my toxic feelings of blaming everyone, drug use, now I've been smoking for 8 or so months, and I went back to death being my only future. I wasn't going to get out of this alone ever. My family can't help me, mostly because of me. I don't want their help either. I can't help but think bad things about them.I don't care enough to get better for them. They're not nothing to me, but they don't really add much to my life at all. I think it's possible they do add something, but I don't know what it is, but it's nowhere near enough, nor do I want it. I'd have done anything to make her happy and fix our lives so we could be ourselves together and figure everything out one step at a time.
I didn't care about drugs or cigarettes or bad habits, or staying jobless. I'd have done everything to change, but not without her.
I try to piece together my life, but it is a haze. I can't remember so much. It's hard to place any of it in a timeline. It's hard to feel like it's all happened to me.
I couldn't hope to help anyone truly understand how I've grown to be so small and pathetic.
I feel so distraught and lost in the aftermath of my life. I feel like I've only let everyone down...
Abandoning my little nephew is the hardest part of dying. I don't understand why he seems to adore me specifically. All I do is play with him like everyone else. Im praying he won't ever remember me as he grows older. When I was 2 a family member I supposedly really loved was murdered, and I have no recollection of her at all. I really hope it's the same for him...
I get so overwhelmed with how energetic he is, and how it must be me that plays with him. I hate how even he makes me feel so shitty, I get irritated and just want to isolate myself in my bedroom until I die, and then I see his face, hear his laugh, and he's just rolling his little monster truck over me ignoring how utterly wrong I am,and Im reminded of how gross I am as a person.
I have no choice but to watch him when he comes, and I adore him. I want to watch him. All I can do is hold in the bad feelings and try to give him what he deserves and believes I am. I've been doing this so long with everyone, and I've grown too tired to keep on the mask. I want to keep it on. I like my self more with it, but it's shattering.
I can only put it in for him, barely, poorly, not for long ..
I'm tired of rotting in this bedroom.. I've almost experienced my entire life through a screen in here. I'm ready to die as soon as I can.
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