I was under the impression that I'd lose consciousness within 30 seconds, however that did not occur. I was left hanging and gasping for air, waiting to pass out.
I truly found pleasure in the idea that I was being strangulated and wanted it to continue. Due to my Bipolar Disorder, mania causes me to feel euphoria during such events. Even recalling that moment, my body begins buzzing with joy.
I have no idea how I was able to knock down the pullup bar.
Due to the adrenaline and me being drunk, I do not have memory of the occurrence. All I remember is that I hung myself, and knocked it down somehow. I wish I could give further details but I do not remember anything.
But for me to be able to knock down such a sturdy and heavy pullup bar, I must have truly been desperate and used every muscle fiber and brain cell in my body in attempt to bring it down and untie my noose.
Next time, there will be no failure. I am going to anchor my pullup bar with over 200 pounds of weight. I will allow myself to strangle to death if need be. It will truly be a painful, nonpeaceful way to go. But I am an evil person, and have done many horrible things that would make all of you hate me, so I am certain I deserve this fate.
Unless I can find a way to pass out in 30 seconds, I will die via strangulation rather than hypoxia.
Why I am so determined to die, even via strangulation? Because there is no happy ending for me. There is no universe where I would be given a peaceful ending whether through natural death, or suicide. Being diagnosed with severe Bipolar Disorder, "peace" is not compatible with my natural existence. The volatility of mania makes the concept of peace impossible.
It is statistically proven that 20% of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, will die by suicide. We cannot escape our fates. I weep for my brethren!
As a testament to my erratic existence, I will die a horrible death via strangulation. Truthfully, I hope to pass out far before I strangle, as I have a suffocation phobia. But I cannot predict what will happen.
I have spent all 27 years of my life — searching for peace, and vehemently running from any semblance of pain, all while giving pain unto others during my manic periods. My exes, treating then poorly, abusing them. I have done horrible things to animals, to children during my youth, to family, to vulnerable people. Lies, deceit, psychological experimentation; I attempted to spread my fascist regime, and garner absolute submission from the masses. I proclaimed myself a God among humanity because I was deemed myself to have divine intellect.
Now it is time to face retribution through my impending execution. If I truly am a God as I claim, I should be able to bear such an agonizing death. In order to prove to myself, my essence of "Godhood", and atone for the cumulative pain I have inflicted.
Death by strangulation is the only suitable mode of repentance.
Unlike many of you who are good Samaritans, I am evil and ridden with narcissism and grandiosity. So not feel melancholy, feel gratitude that my death will yield a net positive outcome to humanity.
I will not die from "depression and hopelessness" just as many here have. No, my death will be due to "mania". I am doing this to prove my Godhood to myself, if I cannot succeed then I would be a fool to proclaim myself a God, and would have to rescind such a title. I cannot do that.
That would be worse than death itself. I will die with ardor! I will die in euphoric hysteria. I cannot even believe it is possible to feel this amazing, if I could make you feel what I feel currently you would beg to trade places indefinitely. A feeling a thousand times more euphoric than fentanyl, or any drug. Almost as if a deity is engulfing my soul with its light and warmth.
All humans are bounded by bioevolutionary directives in order to ensure their own survival. The fact that some primal instinct is attempting to exert control over my behavior to force survival repulses me. To think, me, an intellectual gentleman who has attained absolute ego dissolution would be controlled by some primate brain is the most egregiously insulting thought conceivable, and unforgivable. That is why I am going to kill my body out of spite. Yes! "I" will prevail victorious!
I truly found pleasure in the idea that I was being strangulated and wanted it to continue. Due to my Bipolar Disorder, mania causes me to feel euphoria during such events. Even recalling that moment, my body begins buzzing with joy.
I have no idea how I was able to knock down the pullup bar.
Due to the adrenaline and me being drunk, I do not have memory of the occurrence. All I remember is that I hung myself, and knocked it down somehow. I wish I could give further details but I do not remember anything.
But for me to be able to knock down such a sturdy and heavy pullup bar, I must have truly been desperate and used every muscle fiber and brain cell in my body in attempt to bring it down and untie my noose.
Next time, there will be no failure. I am going to anchor my pullup bar with over 200 pounds of weight. I will allow myself to strangle to death if need be. It will truly be a painful, nonpeaceful way to go. But I am an evil person, and have done many horrible things that would make all of you hate me, so I am certain I deserve this fate.
Unless I can find a way to pass out in 30 seconds, I will die via strangulation rather than hypoxia.
Why I am so determined to die, even via strangulation? Because there is no happy ending for me. There is no universe where I would be given a peaceful ending whether through natural death, or suicide. Being diagnosed with severe Bipolar Disorder, "peace" is not compatible with my natural existence. The volatility of mania makes the concept of peace impossible.
It is statistically proven that 20% of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, will die by suicide. We cannot escape our fates. I weep for my brethren!
As a testament to my erratic existence, I will die a horrible death via strangulation. Truthfully, I hope to pass out far before I strangle, as I have a suffocation phobia. But I cannot predict what will happen.
I have spent all 27 years of my life — searching for peace, and vehemently running from any semblance of pain, all while giving pain unto others during my manic periods. My exes, treating then poorly, abusing them. I have done horrible things to animals, to children during my youth, to family, to vulnerable people. Lies, deceit, psychological experimentation; I attempted to spread my fascist regime, and garner absolute submission from the masses. I proclaimed myself a God among humanity because I was deemed myself to have divine intellect.
Now it is time to face retribution through my impending execution. If I truly am a God as I claim, I should be able to bear such an agonizing death. In order to prove to myself, my essence of "Godhood", and atone for the cumulative pain I have inflicted.
Death by strangulation is the only suitable mode of repentance.
Unlike many of you who are good Samaritans, I am evil and ridden with narcissism and grandiosity. So not feel melancholy, feel gratitude that my death will yield a net positive outcome to humanity.
I will not die from "depression and hopelessness" just as many here have. No, my death will be due to "mania". I am doing this to prove my Godhood to myself, if I cannot succeed then I would be a fool to proclaim myself a God, and would have to rescind such a title. I cannot do that.
That would be worse than death itself. I will die with ardor! I will die in euphoric hysteria. I cannot even believe it is possible to feel this amazing, if I could make you feel what I feel currently you would beg to trade places indefinitely. A feeling a thousand times more euphoric than fentanyl, or any drug. Almost as if a deity is engulfing my soul with its light and warmth.
All humans are bounded by bioevolutionary directives in order to ensure their own survival. The fact that some primal instinct is attempting to exert control over my behavior to force survival repulses me. To think, me, an intellectual gentleman who has attained absolute ego dissolution would be controlled by some primate brain is the most egregiously insulting thought conceivable, and unforgivable. That is why I am going to kill my body out of spite. Yes! "I" will prevail victorious!
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