Venting I am ashamed of who I am

[darkdarkdark]

I am just very emotionally unstable right now.(english is not my first language too)

I can't picture myself tomorrow.
Or even few seconds from now.
I have this emotional turmoil almost every night(it's night time here)
And I just can't get myself together.

I was sexually harassed by my boss last year.
I had worked there for four days and had to quit bc I didn't want to get my body touched by someone else.
I sued him and at first the police listened to me and like he admitted that he touched me but was not intended to sexually insult me.
Then the police and the prosecutor focused more on the fact that he insisted that it was not intentional.
Now he can sue me back for falsely accusing him.

I have ruined relationship with my friends, too. I only have a handful of friends left.
I lost my job. They didn't want to have me.
I was constantly late to work and couldn't focus on work.
I know. What a lazy dipshit who cannot even clean up her own mess.

My parents are ashamed of me, I am a financial and emotional burden to them.
I did get hospitalized once but that didn't help that much.

The doctor said that since I've had my depression for a very long time it is hard to cure because it became solidified.

... I really wish I could get my hands on SN so that I'd be free from everything that is happening in my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you are going through, this world certainly is such a hellish place and it's understandable wishing to be free from it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[heyrabu]

I was sexually harassed years ago when i was still a middle schooler, so I can relate to your pain to some extend.. i've been very depressed since then, I often regretting about "why i haven't ctb all these years?" Because trust me, it get worse. My self esteem never really recovered since then.

Calm yourself a little, drink some water, take a deep breath, don't be too hurried at trying to ctb, it increases the possibility of it failing if you don't prepare for it beforehand. I wish you the best

 

[starbright2155]

I have struggled with the large majority of difficulties you've mentioned. Bad things happening to you does not equate to being a bad person, or a person with moral failings.

What exactly did your doctor say regarding your "solidified" depression? Did they offer any treatment?

Do what you can to meet your immediate needs, AKA food, water, shelter, and sleep.