Venting i am an evil disgusting, lying bitch. i destroyed someones heart and trust and i NEED to die. like now.

[deadngoresurgery]

before i start, a bit about me, im an evil person and ive been lying to some people, especially the guy i was talking with. i am a lying stupid bitch. i am not looking to gain sympathy for this post, i deserve none, i just need to vent out my thoughts because its killing me inside and the pain is unbearable. dont tell me that i still deserve my life because i know i dont, i never will. i know people will hate me. i understand, its completely justified. i just want to kill myself already so i dont hurt anyone anymore. send me d3ath thr3ats, i dont even mind. im just a horrible person.

well thats it. no more. the guy ive been talking with decided to end things with me for good. this is all my fault. i was too indecisive between two guys. yesterday, he tells me he no longer wants to see me, be with me, touch me, nothing. he feels disgusted by me. and i understand. i slept only 2 hours last night. he looked through my phone and read my chats on instagram from when i was with my ex boyfriend. he already knew i had a boyfriend at the time. so he decided to read our messages and i told him not to because it would hurt him. he felt betrayed, used, manipulated by me. and now i understand why. i couldnt fucking choose. holy fuck i regret doing any of this, it hurts so bad to think about how he's even feeling right now. he told me he didnt feel anything. but it would start hurting later. hes definitely gonna smoke to cope with what he saw. he wanted to see the whatsapp messages between me and my ex but i had deleted the chat because i felt no need to keep it since he was my ex. probably also because deep down, i didnt want him to see the chats anyway. they were way too personal. i only kept the instagram and sms ones since they were just short lived and i didnt pay much attention to it. he thought i still had feelings for my ex because i talked to him a bit before he went off to the military. i didnt have feelings for him anymore. i told him i had stopped talking with him in february, but what i had meant is that is when i stopped having feelings for him.

after that, i only talked to my ex to make sure he didnt do anything to himself (he cut himself when i tried breaking up with him and its all my fault) and to say goodbye for when he went to the military in march. so he felt lied to, and i understand. i didnt tell him. i shouldve. i dont know why i didnt. i was too much of a pussy ass coward for this. he feels like an object, like i used him for sex. i didnt only care for the sex. i just wish he knew how i was truly feeling. he thinks im lying about everything because i lied to him before, but it makes sense. i brought this upon myself. im the reason why this all happened. i had sex with my ex, then afterwards breaking up, i had sex with the guy. i lied to him and told him i didnt do it with my ex. and i did. so i confessed to him. he felt even more hurt that i lied to him. i cant believe this. this was 3 months ago when that happened with my ex. he feels used, like i just wanted him for sex. and its my fault, i couldnt control my fucking self. im hypersexual, but thats no excuse. theres no excuse for anything ive done. i wish i wasnt hypersexual. why cant i just be asexual?? why? fucking why.

i hate hoping that he'll come back because he wont. he made it clear he doesnt want to hang out with me, he doesnt wanna see me or talk to me, nothing. he'll hopefully find someone better, but i dont want him to. i want to change and be with him. i think hes the one. but lol, who am i kidding?? i already had a lot of chances to change and i never fucking did. i kept lying because thats what i am. a lying fucking slut. i dont even know why im doing this, i think its because i was too selfish. i kept wanting more and more attention, but that ended up hurting others, which is not something i wanted to do. i also wanted to help them, but my fucking selfishness went out of control. i was supposed to choose between the guy and my ex, but i waited too long and ended up hurting both of them. and now hes gone forever. its all my fault. i had fallen in love with the other guy, but i had chosen too late. he gave me 5 fucking months to choose and i didnt. it seems i was just playing around, thinking i could have them both. but no, thats not how it should be.

if i could back in time to 3 months ago, i wouldve beat myself up. i wouldve stabbed her in the fucking back, ripped open her guts and slit her throat to prevent her from lying to these guys. i didnt deserve any of them. my feelings got way out of control and i lied to both of them to keep them around. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i cant even imagine how hes feeling. devastated and heartbroken, after finding out i lied to him. he doesnt believe hes special, he doesnt believe hes good enough, he felt ignored by me, because i was doing shit with my ex. i destroyed his feelings for my own selfishness. hes gonna feel an insane amount of hurt for this. and i knew he had his own mental issues. and guess what? he still tried to help me despite all this. and this is how i fucking repay him? im an evil cunt who cant control my feelings or boundaries and thats why i hurt others. i didnt fucking mean to, i didnt. but i did. nothing will change or erase that fact. theres no hope for me. my parents raised a stupid fucking daughter. they shouldve aborted me. the guy would ghost me a lot, but he wished i would talk to him or call him during that time. but i didnt think hed ever wanna see me. but i deserved that. any kind of hurt he put onto me was 100% deserved. i deserve the worst. and he still wishes me the best. he said he still somehow loved me. i was talking with my ex early march before he left to the military to say goodbye and i didnt fucking tell him. why the fuck didnt i. that hurt him. i saw it in his eyes. holy fucking shit, seeing his eyes and lips curl like puppy doll eyes and his voice breaking just fucking broke me. and now he finally left me for good. "ive always loved you, vee". that was the last thing he told me before leaving. he didnt yell, anything. he just looked so numb. he was still nice to me. cared about me. i cared about him too, but other shit got in the fucking way.

he looked numb, he looked so fucking hurt and betrayed. seeing him like that is ingrained in my mind and will forever haunt me. god i wish i could take his pain away. reverse everything i ever fucking did. i would take the pain of him and my ex in an instant. i deserve it. i had given him my phone and he deleted his own contact off my phone, he deleted the pictures of him and me off my phone and laptop, my only comfort. i also remember i had 2 screenshots of some sexual text messages between me and him because it was messages of him and because im a hypersexual fucking slut. and he felt that i only wanted him for sex. i really did not. i wish he knew that. but itll never happen. he'll never believe me again. he has no reason to whatsoever. i love him so much. i genuinely did. i didnt want his body only. he was one of the only ones that actually ever fucking cared for me. he made me feel like i was actually worth something. i felt alive. but i was still attached to my ex and wasnt ready for the relationship, so this bullshit happened because of me. i am a monster, i just destroy people. i couldnt control myself and theres no excuse for that. none. zero.

so i just want to kill myself now. i dont care, i just want to end my worthless pathetic life. i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i cant stand to see him with someone else. i need to know the quickest way, like a gun, but i unfortunately dont have access to one. if someone can DM me and give me solutions to how i can end it quickly, please do. i need to die. i cant bear this guilt i feel, its destroying me. i physically cannot do any of my tasks in school, i cant stop thinking about this situation, what the future will be like. no, i cant do this. im scared of what i might do again. i could go out of control. i fucking hate myself more that anybody on this earth. i had such a fucking unstable relationship all because of me. and i hate that i fear being alone. WHY??? what the fuck?? i hate this shit so much. i hate my shit life. i need to die. now.

 

[ironrain]

No platitudes. I'm a bitch too, high five.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

No platitudes. I'm a bitch too, high five.

yeah, i cant do this. i cant stand this. i wish i was never a bitch. fuck my life

 

[idkwhattodoman]

Hi, I think we are in similar situations. I recently cheated on my ex and it has been destroying me. I think first removing all of your ex from you life and going no contact will help. Any photos or things that remind you of the relationship need to go, or get put out of sight. Relationships are like addictions. While we are used to having it we can see the negatives of the relationship but as soon as we aren't able to have it anymore we only see the positives of them.
Secondly understanding why you did what you did. What inside of you wasn't happy. What gave you the reason to do this to someone. I suggest journaling or audio journaling what you really feel was wrong and keep track on your growth. Not only about the cheating but the other aspects of the relationship you want to improve. For me a lot of stuff manifested from being deeply insecure.

You will eventually need to see that this person wasn't perfect either. Don't put him on a pedestal. Even if he was an amazing dude he still had flaws, you will feel overwhelmed thinking you lost someone flawless. Become the person you see him deserving being with, not for him but for yourself. So that when the next person comes along you can be ready. Try to give the loss some purpose so its not just a loss for nothing. Idk I hope this kind of makes sense, Im still in the thick of it too so if you'd like to talk about it let me know.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

Hi, I think we are in similar situations. I recently cheated on my ex and it has been destroying me. I think first removing all of your ex from you life and going no contact will help. Any photos or things that remind you of the relationship need to go, or get put out of sight. Relationships are like addictions. While we are used to having it we can see the negatives of the relationship but as soon as we aren't able to have it anymore we only see the positives of them.
Secondly understanding why you did what you did. What inside of you wasn't happy. What gave you the reason to do this to someone. I suggest journaling or audio journaling what you really feel was wrong and keep track on your growth. Not only about the cheating but the other aspects of the relationship you want to improve. For me a lot of stuff manifested from being deeply insecure.

You will eventually need to see that this person wasn't perfect either. Don't put him on a pedestal. Even if he was an amazing dude he still had flaws, you will feel overwhelmed thinking you lost someone flawless. Become the person you see him deserving being with, not for him but for yourself. So that when the next person comes along you can be ready. Try to give the loss some purpose so its not just a loss for nothing. Idk I hope this kind of makes sense, Im still in the thick of it too so if you'd like to talk about it let me know.

Hi, thank you for being honest. Ive been in your situation in the past, the shit I did was no excuse but it came from some things that happened to me as a teen...

Im going to therapy right now. And youre right, now thinking about it, he did have some flaws, like lack of communication. But I still believed he was the one. I still love him. I regret everything I did. And sure, we can DM to talk about it further. Thank you :)

 

[idkwhattodoman]

Hi, don't know if Im able to DM yet. Maybe if you send I can respond? Glad you are going to therapy, it definitely helps. I know a lot of things come from CPTSD, hopefully we can put in the work to make it better.

I still think I lost the one, and every morning I wake with this sense of dread that my life will never be better then it was. Even though I know during the relationship there were things I had hesitations about. I wish I could explain or show how much love or willingness to change to her, but if I really want to respect her wishes I know I just have to leave her alone.

 

[Spongiform]

Nobody deserves anything. Good or bad. It's a made up concept.

There's one thing that stood out to me from your story. You said you had 5 months and you still couldn't choose. I think that means neither one of them were the right choice. It doesn't take that long to know when someone is the one. Probably still early on enough in the relationship that you were overlooking all the negatives and red flags but deep down part of you knew it wasn't right.

I might be wrong but that's my take on it.

tl;dr you fucked up, it sucks, life goes on. Don't try to date multiple people at the same time next time. Been on both sides of that myself and it's a bad idea.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"If you feel guilty, then it's a sign you are a good person, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves as righteous." ~Suncha

 

[Zizouaax]

cheating is disgusting

 

[deadngoresurgery]

cheating is disgusting

i know it is. its some horrible shit to do. i regret every bit of it

 

[Zizouaax]

i know it is. its some horrible shit to do. i regret every bit of it

i would be so happy if i had someone that love me

 

[Mirrors]

Hey, been here too. You're not evil, you're a human being who made a mistake and hurt someone else emotionally. You're not the first one to be in this situation, you won't be the last, and even if the pain it's causing is overwhelming, it's not something to lose your life over. It's also not something you deserve abuse over, from your exs or anyone else. Cut out the noise, it'll only make you spiral more. You may never forgive yourself, but you will learn how to live with this and use it as a lesson (even one that feels terrible) that helps you shape yourself into the person you want to be.

It's an incredible positive step that you're in therapy and that it seems to be doing good things for you. Keep that up. Heal your own heart first before you take on the burden of another's. Other people's love and desires do not have to define you.

I'm proud of you for being able to be this transparent and honest about something that makes you feel terrible about yourself. I hope that in time, the tears dry, and you can start to pick yourself up out of this hole. All of my love to you.

 

[lastowl]

before i start, a bit about me, im an evil person and ive been lying to some people, especially the guy i was talking with. i am a lying stupid bitch. i am not looking to gain sympathy for this post, i deserve none, i just need to vent out my thoughts because its killing me inside and the pain is unbearable. dont tell me that i still deserve my life because i know i dont, i never will. i know people will hate me. i understand, its completely justified. i just want to kill myself already so i dont hurt anyone anymore. send me d3ath thr3ats, i dont even mind. im just a horrible person.

well thats it. no more. the guy ive been talking with decided to end things with me for good. this is all my fault. i was too indecisive between two guys. yesterday, he tells me he no longer wants to see me, be with me, touch me, nothing. he feels disgusted by me. and i understand. i slept only 2 hours last night. he looked through my phone and read my chats on instagram from when i was with my ex boyfriend. he already knew i had a boyfriend at the time. so he decided to read our messages and i told him not to because it would hurt him. he felt betrayed, used, manipulated by me. and now i understand why. i couldnt fucking choose. holy fuck i regret doing any of this, it hurts so bad to think about how he's even feeling right now. he told me he didnt feel anything. but it would start hurting later. hes definitely gonna smoke to cope with what he saw. he wanted to see the whatsapp messages between me and my ex but i had deleted the chat because i felt no need to keep it since he was my ex. probably also because deep down, i didnt want him to see the chats anyway. they were way too personal. i only kept the instagram and sms ones since they were just short lived and i didnt pay much attention to it. he thought i still had feelings for my ex because i talked to him a bit before he went off to the military. i didnt have feelings for him anymore. i told him i had stopped talking with him in february, but what i had meant is that is when i stopped having feelings for him.

after that, i only talked to my ex to make sure he didnt do anything to himself (he cut himself when i tried breaking up with him and its all my fault) and to say goodbye for when he went to the military in march. so he felt lied to, and i understand. i didnt tell him. i shouldve. i dont know why i didnt. i was too much of a pussy ass coward for this. he feels like an object, like i used him for sex. i didnt only care for the sex. i just wish he knew how i was truly feeling. he thinks im lying about everything because i lied to him before, but it makes sense. i brought this upon myself. im the reason why this all happened. i had sex with my ex, then afterwards breaking up, i had sex with the guy. i lied to him and told him i didnt do it with my ex. and i did. so i confessed to him. he felt even more hurt that i lied to him. i cant believe this. this was 3 months ago when that happened with my ex. he feels used, like i just wanted him for sex. and its my fault, i couldnt control my fucking self. im hypersexual, but thats no excuse. theres no excuse for anything ive done. i wish i wasnt hypersexual. why cant i just be asexual?? why? fucking why.

i hate hoping that he'll come back because he wont. he made it clear he doesnt want to hang out with me, he doesnt wanna see me or talk to me, nothing. he'll hopefully find someone better, but i dont want him to. i want to change and be with him. i think hes the one. but lol, who am i kidding?? i already had a lot of chances to change and i never fucking did. i kept lying because thats what i am. a lying fucking slut. i dont even know why im doing this, i think its because i was too selfish. i kept wanting more and more attention, but that ended up hurting others, which is not something i wanted to do. i also wanted to help them, but my fucking selfishness went out of control. i was supposed to choose between the guy and my ex, but i waited too long and ended up hurting both of them. and now hes gone forever. its all my fault. i had fallen in love with the other guy, but i had chosen too late. he gave me 5 fucking months to choose and i didnt. it seems i was just playing around, thinking i could have them both. but no, thats not how it should be.

if i could back in time to 3 months ago, i wouldve beat myself up. i wouldve stabbed her in the fucking back, ripped open her guts and slit her throat to prevent her from lying to these guys. i didnt deserve any of them. my feelings got way out of control and i lied to both of them to keep them around. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i cant even imagine how hes feeling. devastated and heartbroken, after finding out i lied to him. he doesnt believe hes special, he doesnt believe hes good enough, he felt ignored by me, because i was doing shit with my ex. i destroyed his feelings for my own selfishness. hes gonna feel an insane amount of hurt for this. and i knew he had his own mental issues. and guess what? he still tried to help me despite all this. and this is how i fucking repay him? im an evil cunt who cant control my feelings or boundaries and thats why i hurt others. i didnt fucking mean to, i didnt. but i did. nothing will change or erase that fact. theres no hope for me. my parents raised a stupid fucking daughter. they shouldve aborted me. the guy would ghost me a lot, but he wished i would talk to him or call him during that time. but i didnt think hed ever wanna see me. but i deserved that. any kind of hurt he put onto me was 100% deserved. i deserve the worst. and he still wishes me the best. he said he still somehow loved me. i was talking with my ex early march before he left to the military to say goodbye and i didnt fucking tell him. why the fuck didnt i. that hurt him. i saw it in his eyes. holy fucking shit, seeing his eyes and lips curl like puppy doll eyes and his voice breaking just fucking broke me. and now he finally left me for good. "ive always loved you, vee". that was the last thing he told me before leaving. he didnt yell, anything. he just looked so numb. he was still nice to me. cared about me. i cared about him too, but other shit got in the fucking way.

he looked numb, he looked so fucking hurt and betrayed. seeing him like that is ingrained in my mind and will forever haunt me. god i wish i could take his pain away. reverse everything i ever fucking did. i would take the pain of him and my ex in an instant. i deserve it. i had given him my phone and he deleted his own contact off my phone, he deleted the pictures of him and me off my phone and laptop, my only comfort. i also remember i had 2 screenshots of some sexual text messages between me and him because it was messages of him and because im a hypersexual fucking slut. and he felt that i only wanted him for sex. i really did not. i wish he knew that. but itll never happen. he'll never believe me again. he has no reason to whatsoever. i love him so much. i genuinely did. i didnt want his body only. he was one of the only ones that actually ever fucking cared for me. he made me feel like i was actually worth something. i felt alive. but i was still attached to my ex and wasnt ready for the relationship, so this bullshit happened because of me. i am a monster, i just destroy people. i couldnt control myself and theres no excuse for that. none. zero.

so i just want to kill myself now. i dont care, i just want to end my worthless pathetic life. i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i cant stand to see him with someone else. i need to know the quickest way, like a gun, but i unfortunately dont have access to one. if someone can DM me and give me solutions to how i can end it quickly, please do. i need to die. i cant bear this guilt i feel, its destroying me. i physically cannot do any of my tasks in school, i cant stop thinking about this situation, what the future will be like. no, i cant do this. im scared of what i might do again. i could go out of control. i fucking hate myself more that anybody on this earth. i had such a fucking unstable relationship all because of me. and i hate that i fear being alone. WHY??? what the fuck?? i hate this shit so much. i hate my shit life. i need to die. now.

I get you! I have hurted the person I love the most in my life who is the most amazing human being, my ex. I have deeply hurted others by being a cheater and a liar, chaotic, manipulative monster. The regret and guilt do not let me live. But the worst is the pain of losing the most important person in my life, this literally left me dead inside, destroyed, me and the void keeps getting worst. Feeling their disgust and rejection kills me. I was using people to reach my goals and I was compulsive, didn't stop to think about their feelings. I don't want to cause more trauma so I want to die in a way that looks accidental. I am a monster, I need to stop existing.

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

nobody should lie to you n say you dont deserve to have him leave you for your lies and manipulation but i understand the feeling of being a user and harming those who have liked me, so you arent alone

 

[qtk5436]

I've never been in a relationship so I can't exactly give advice, but you already admitted you made a mistake and you want to change. That says a lot about you, you'd actually work on yourself instead of just not caring like most people. Even though it hurts like hell I think you can get through this and learn from it. Whether you manage to reconnect or find someone new you won't be alone forever.

 

[tomame]

im a evil disgusting faggot fuck. who has ruined lives. an absolute monster.

you aren't alone

 

[deadngoresurgery]

i would be so happy if i had someone that love me

yeah, im sorry. i really hope that eventually, someone will truly love you for you :D
i have every faith in that. i hope you dont stop trying to find love. and my advice is to be careful who you fall for. dont wanna end up with someone like me.

Hey, been here too. You're not evil, you're a human being who made a mistake and hurt someone else emotionally. You're not the first one to be in this situation, you won't be the last, and even if the pain it's causing is overwhelming, it's not something to lose your life over. It's also not something you deserve abuse over, from your exs or anyone else. Cut out the noise, it'll only make you spiral more. You may never forgive yourself, but you will learn how to live with this and use it as a lesson (even one that feels terrible) that helps you shape yourself into the person you want to be.

It's an incredible positive step that you're in therapy and that it seems to be doing good things for you. Keep that up. Heal your own heart first before you take on the burden of another's. Other people's love and desires do not have to define you.

I'm proud of you for being able to be this transparent and honest about something that makes you feel terrible about yourself. I hope that in time, the tears dry, and you can start to pick yourself up out of this hole. All of my love to you.

thank you so much. it means a lot. i have identified that there is unresolved trauma with me and am going to therapy to try and resolve it. in the past, i never thought that what happened to me was really important, but looking back, its affecting me. so hopefully, getting that resolved will be a start in trying to better myself. i really dont wanna hurt anyone anymore. i never wanted to, but i still did. but thank you so much. i wish you the best!

I get you! I have hurted the person I love the most in my life who is the most amazing human being, my ex. I have deeply hurted others by being a cheater and a liar, chaotic, manipulative monster. The regret and guilt do not let me live. But the worst is the pain of losing the most important person in my life, this literally left me dead inside, destroyed, me and the void keeps getting worst. Feeling their disgust and rejection kills me. I was using people to reach my goals and I was compulsive, didn't stop to think about their feelings. I don't want to cause more trauma so I want to die in a way that looks accidental. I am a monster, I need to stop existing.

yes i feel you. i thought i was alone in this here, but seeing that im not actually gives me a bit of hope. and yeah, just the pain of making them feel hurt and losing them just hurts me so much. it twists my stomach, makes my heart sink and feel empty, just like those ive hurt. i dont know what to do about it. i hope you can heal from it though :)

 

[Feldsparc]

I have done worse. I cheated multiple times. I had undiagnosed bpd but thats no excuse. I did the unthinkable to my husband and destroyed our family. I don't even deserve to die because that's just passing on my pain to those whom I've already betrayed. I'm a terrible person who falls in love easily. My love has no value

 

[Zizouaax]

na u guys crazy monsters

 

[ImInPain]

before i start, a bit about me, im an evil person and ive been lying to some people, especially the guy i was talking with. i am a lying stupid bitch. i am not looking to gain sympathy for this post, i deserve none, i just need to vent out my thoughts because its killing me inside and the pain is unbearable. dont tell me that i still deserve my life because i know i dont, i never will. i know people will hate me. i understand, its completely justified. i just want to kill myself already so i dont hurt anyone anymore. send me d3ath thr3ats, i dont even mind. im just a horrible person.

well thats it. no more. the guy ive been talking with decided to end things with me for good. this is all my fault. i was too indecisive between two guys. yesterday, he tells me he no longer wants to see me, be with me, touch me, nothing. he feels disgusted by me. and i understand. i slept only 2 hours last night. he looked through my phone and read my chats on instagram from when i was with my ex boyfriend. he already knew i had a boyfriend at the time. so he decided to read our messages and i told him not to because it would hurt him. he felt betrayed, used, manipulated by me. and now i understand why. i couldnt fucking choose. holy fuck i regret doing any of this, it hurts so bad to think about how he's even feeling right now. he told me he didnt feel anything. but it would start hurting later. hes definitely gonna smoke to cope with what he saw. he wanted to see the whatsapp messages between me and my ex but i had deleted the chat because i felt no need to keep it since he was my ex. probably also because deep down, i didnt want him to see the chats anyway. they were way too personal. i only kept the instagram and sms ones since they were just short lived and i didnt pay much attention to it. he thought i still had feelings for my ex because i talked to him a bit before he went off to the military. i didnt have feelings for him anymore. i told him i had stopped talking with him in february, but what i had meant is that is when i stopped having feelings for him.

after that, i only talked to my ex to make sure he didnt do anything to himself (he cut himself when i tried breaking up with him and its all my fault) and to say goodbye for when he went to the military in march. so he felt lied to, and i understand. i didnt tell him. i shouldve. i dont know why i didnt. i was too much of a pussy ass coward for this. he feels like an object, like i used him for sex. i didnt only care for the sex. i just wish he knew how i was truly feeling. he thinks im lying about everything because i lied to him before, but it makes sense. i brought this upon myself. im the reason why this all happened. i had sex with my ex, then afterwards breaking up, i had sex with the guy. i lied to him and told him i didnt do it with my ex. and i did. so i confessed to him. he felt even more hurt that i lied to him. i cant believe this. this was 3 months ago when that happened with my ex. he feels used, like i just wanted him for sex. and its my fault, i couldnt control my fucking self. im hypersexual, but thats no excuse. theres no excuse for anything ive done. i wish i wasnt hypersexual. why cant i just be asexual?? why? fucking why.

i hate hoping that he'll come back because he wont. he made it clear he doesnt want to hang out with me, he doesnt wanna see me or talk to me, nothing. he'll hopefully find someone better, but i dont want him to. i want to change and be with him. i think hes the one. but lol, who am i kidding?? i already had a lot of chances to change and i never fucking did. i kept lying because thats what i am. a lying fucking slut. i dont even know why im doing this, i think its because i was too selfish. i kept wanting more and more attention, but that ended up hurting others, which is not something i wanted to do. i also wanted to help them, but my fucking selfishness went out of control. i was supposed to choose between the guy and my ex, but i waited too long and ended up hurting both of them. and now hes gone forever. its all my fault. i had fallen in love with the other guy, but i had chosen too late. he gave me 5 fucking months to choose and i didnt. it seems i was just playing around, thinking i could have them both. but no, thats not how it should be.

if i could back in time to 3 months ago, i wouldve beat myself up. i wouldve stabbed her in the fucking back, ripped open her guts and slit her throat to prevent her from lying to these guys. i didnt deserve any of them. my feelings got way out of control and i lied to both of them to keep them around. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i cant even imagine how hes feeling. devastated and heartbroken, after finding out i lied to him. he doesnt believe hes special, he doesnt believe hes good enough, he felt ignored by me, because i was doing shit with my ex. i destroyed his feelings for my own selfishness. hes gonna feel an insane amount of hurt for this. and i knew he had his own mental issues. and guess what? he still tried to help me despite all this. and this is how i fucking repay him? im an evil cunt who cant control my feelings or boundaries and thats why i hurt others. i didnt fucking mean to, i didnt. but i did. nothing will change or erase that fact. theres no hope for me. my parents raised a stupid fucking daughter. they shouldve aborted me. the guy would ghost me a lot, but he wished i would talk to him or call him during that time. but i didnt think hed ever wanna see me. but i deserved that. any kind of hurt he put onto me was 100% deserved. i deserve the worst. and he still wishes me the best. he said he still somehow loved me. i was talking with my ex early march before he left to the military to say goodbye and i didnt fucking tell him. why the fuck didnt i. that hurt him. i saw it in his eyes. holy fucking shit, seeing his eyes and lips curl like puppy doll eyes and his voice breaking just fucking broke me. and now he finally left me for good. "ive always loved you, vee". that was the last thing he told me before leaving. he didnt yell, anything. he just looked so numb. he was still nice to me. cared about me. i cared about him too, but other shit got in the fucking way.

he looked numb, he looked so fucking hurt and betrayed. seeing him like that is ingrained in my mind and will forever haunt me. god i wish i could take his pain away. reverse everything i ever fucking did. i would take the pain of him and my ex in an instant. i deserve it. i had given him my phone and he deleted his own contact off my phone, he deleted the pictures of him and me off my phone and laptop, my only comfort. i also remember i had 2 screenshots of some sexual text messages between me and him because it was messages of him and because im a hypersexual fucking slut. and he felt that i only wanted him for sex. i really did not. i wish he knew that. but itll never happen. he'll never believe me again. he has no reason to whatsoever. i love him so much. i genuinely did. i didnt want his body only. he was one of the only ones that actually ever fucking cared for me. he made me feel like i was actually worth something. i felt alive. but i was still attached to my ex and wasnt ready for the relationship, so this bullshit happened because of me. i am a monster, i just destroy people. i couldnt control myself and theres no excuse for that. none. zero.

so i just want to kill myself now. i dont care, i just want to end my worthless pathetic life. i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i cant stand to see him with someone else. i need to know the quickest way, like a gun, but i unfortunately dont have access to one. if someone can DM me and give me solutions to how i can end it quickly, please do. i need to die. i cant bear this guilt i feel, its destroying me. i physically cannot do any of my tasks in school, i cant stop thinking about this situation, what the future will be like. no, i cant do this. im scared of what i might do again. i could go out of control. i fucking hate myself more that anybody on this earth. i had such a fucking unstable relationship all because of me. and i hate that i fear being alone. WHY??? what the fuck?? i hate this shit so much. i hate my shit life. i need to die. now.

If you truly are this evil person you think you are, do you really deserve the freedom of death or do you instead deserve the suffering of life and having to live with your actions?

That's pretty distorted but helps sometimes, if you are truly unsalvageable and pure evil (highly doubt is true and is likely the mental illness lying to you, which can feel very real. Yes, I know you messed up, but it is not as horrendous as you feel it is). If you really believe you are this evil person, do you not deserve the punishment of having to sit with all of these unbearable emotions and pain?

(By the way, if your brain starts finding another excuse for why you should still die, that's a pretty good sign it's been lying to you in the first place and just trying to find justifications for ending things). You can always try to do better tomorrow, and you will likely fail a lot of times but you can still be successful some days. I truly wish you the best.