I am not acute suicidal for the moment. (You could think that when reading the title - I don't want attention for it.)
Not sure if this is a warning sign of a new psychosis. I am rather taking more emergency medication. I have currently a lot of pressure and stress. Today I was really early awake. This is always a warning sign for mania or psychosis. I had "shame" or "embarassing" flashbacks. Over things that happened 3-5 years ago. 2 weeks ago something embarassing happened to me. This triggered something inside myself. It was not that embarassing like a 4/10. Maybe even less. But I cannot stop thinkig about it. And when I think about it it reminds of a lot of embarassing shit that happened during my mania or psychosis in the past. I thought I would have overcome it. But the past is catching up with me.
Today I take an extra sleeping medication. Being early awake is very dangerous for me. It always makes me manic.
I have these shame flashbacks even during the day. I am a person who is very sensitive about shame it has to do with my abuse. I think I always felt embarassed when I got beaten up. I try to make me think it is not that important what other people think. But it simply does not work. I try really a lot to lessen the impact. It partly stops me from being productive which is pretty bad. Always when I have these shame flashbacks I try to comfort me by saying I gonna kill myself. I repeat that over and over. I use different terms. Like commiting suicide or offing myself. (I think I am not fully sane tbh). I always think of times when I openly talked about it with professionals. And I partly hope in these moments that this repeating will make it become true. But my main point is probably restoring my honor.
Yeah these thoughts are not very healthy. Even despite these thoughts I am far away from being pro-suicide. I try to avoid my suicide. It always a very ambivalent feeling. But this is the only thing that comforts me during these shame attacks.
Not sure if this is a warning sign of a new psychosis. I am rather taking more emergency medication. I have currently a lot of pressure and stress. Today I was really early awake. This is always a warning sign for mania or psychosis. I had "shame" or "embarassing" flashbacks. Over things that happened 3-5 years ago. 2 weeks ago something embarassing happened to me. This triggered something inside myself. It was not that embarassing like a 4/10. Maybe even less. But I cannot stop thinkig about it. And when I think about it it reminds of a lot of embarassing shit that happened during my mania or psychosis in the past. I thought I would have overcome it. But the past is catching up with me.
Today I take an extra sleeping medication. Being early awake is very dangerous for me. It always makes me manic.
I have these shame flashbacks even during the day. I am a person who is very sensitive about shame it has to do with my abuse. I think I always felt embarassed when I got beaten up. I try to make me think it is not that important what other people think. But it simply does not work. I try really a lot to lessen the impact. It partly stops me from being productive which is pretty bad. Always when I have these shame flashbacks I try to comfort me by saying I gonna kill myself. I repeat that over and over. I use different terms. Like commiting suicide or offing myself. (I think I am not fully sane tbh). I always think of times when I openly talked about it with professionals. And I partly hope in these moments that this repeating will make it become true. But my main point is probably restoring my honor.
Yeah these thoughts are not very healthy. Even despite these thoughts I am far away from being pro-suicide. I try to avoid my suicide. It always a very ambivalent feeling. But this is the only thing that comforts me during these shame attacks.
