I just cannot take college stress. Due to abuse performance pressure is triggering me so extremely hard. I think many of my peers lack a lot of sleep currently. Many say to me yeah I will skip sleeping a lot and instead study for the exams. Yeah I am way way way too fragile for that. I prohibit me to study past 6:30 pm. Otherwise I would get ill/manic.
I just don't know what I shall do. The pressure is just so fucking extremely high. I am so scared to fail the exams no matter how much I learn. I think I have learned more than other people. I always repeat the stuff not only close to the exams.
I have another new duty. I have to write an essay. I have 1 week time. He will give us feedback but no grade. I am an extreme perfectionist and I have a lot of OCD concerning college. I have to swallow my pride and just send him a really shitty essay. I just don't have the time for that. Today was quite horrible. I just did not have any idea for the essay. I have found a very mediocre one but at least better than nothing I guess. It is either plagiarism or just a very lazy solution. But I just don't have any time for unnecessary stuff like that .I hope so much I can finish it in one day. This would be pretty good. I would love to write him in the e-mail that I don't have time for a better solution but obviously I can't write that. I feel a little bit ashamed because the essay will be so bad. He knows that I am mentally ill. And I think he considers me as smart because usually I show good performance. In reality I am not that smart I just do a lot to get good grades.
I feel so extremely overwhelmed. And for me this feeling is a huge warning sign. It often was the beginning of my manic episodes. I consider to increase the times I take Z-medication or benzos. I don't have another option. Other options would be: getting another manic episode which would probably lead to my suicide in some months when the major depression hits. The other one would be failing the exams.
I don't want to go into all details. I am very scared about doxxing otherwise I would like to give more details.
I am not sure how close I am to either a new mania or a medication addiction. I always only take the lowest dosage and after the exams I usually can stop taking them immediatly. I think I will increase them but not now. I will wait a little bit for it.
I feel so mentally fucked in general. I often explain how bad the extreme pressure is that I experience daily. Believe me it climbed a lot. It is very hard to cope with. I think I get strong suicidal thoughts as in the past. I would not commit suicide now but it is a dangerous warning sign that I get manic. I could elaborate now on the psychological mechanisms I suspect. I don't allow myself to be human. Someone who sometimes fails. Someone who is not perfect. I simply torture myself. My expectations are extreme. I have made a little bit progress in psychotherapy. But I suffer a lot. This pressure is so indescribable. I think this stems from my child abuse during studying. I think due to that I associate studying with being in a lethal situation. I think I am triggered so strongly because it resembles the survival instinct.
Most of my usual anti-manic medication fails to work. Despite the fact I really take a lot of them. The only thing that really helps is addictive medication. I am very scared about addiction. If I was benzo addicted I probably would have to ctb. My extremely vulnerable brain could never stand the withdrawal symptoms.
Yeah my life is a shit show. I am thankful I can write my emotions here. It is a good valve. I try to make the right decision. It is really hard. The pressure is insane. I try to circumvent all these horrible consequences. But damn the next semester will be way way harder. And I don't have any therapy sessions anymore. Maybe I can somehow achieve to pass the exams, not getting addicted and not getting a manic epsiode for this semester. It is really really hard but maybe not impossible. But honestly I know which content there will be in the next semester. And it will be a completely other dimension. I am so desperate. I think the next semester will cause my suicide. (a new mania, new psychosis, then major depression with extreme psychosomatic pain). I try to concentrate on the current problems but other than most of my support network I don't live in a fairy tale world. Most of them are extremely naive and they are optimistic about my future. LMAO. I wished I could be this ignorant. It would help to forget about all the torment that will happen in my future.
The worst is yet to come.
I just don't know what I shall do. The pressure is just so fucking extremely high. I am so scared to fail the exams no matter how much I learn. I think I have learned more than other people. I always repeat the stuff not only close to the exams.
I have another new duty. I have to write an essay. I have 1 week time. He will give us feedback but no grade. I am an extreme perfectionist and I have a lot of OCD concerning college. I have to swallow my pride and just send him a really shitty essay. I just don't have the time for that. Today was quite horrible. I just did not have any idea for the essay. I have found a very mediocre one but at least better than nothing I guess. It is either plagiarism or just a very lazy solution. But I just don't have any time for unnecessary stuff like that .I hope so much I can finish it in one day. This would be pretty good. I would love to write him in the e-mail that I don't have time for a better solution but obviously I can't write that. I feel a little bit ashamed because the essay will be so bad. He knows that I am mentally ill. And I think he considers me as smart because usually I show good performance. In reality I am not that smart I just do a lot to get good grades.
I feel so extremely overwhelmed. And for me this feeling is a huge warning sign. It often was the beginning of my manic episodes. I consider to increase the times I take Z-medication or benzos. I don't have another option. Other options would be: getting another manic episode which would probably lead to my suicide in some months when the major depression hits. The other one would be failing the exams.
I don't want to go into all details. I am very scared about doxxing otherwise I would like to give more details.
I am not sure how close I am to either a new mania or a medication addiction. I always only take the lowest dosage and after the exams I usually can stop taking them immediatly. I think I will increase them but not now. I will wait a little bit for it.
I feel so mentally fucked in general. I often explain how bad the extreme pressure is that I experience daily. Believe me it climbed a lot. It is very hard to cope with. I think I get strong suicidal thoughts as in the past. I would not commit suicide now but it is a dangerous warning sign that I get manic. I could elaborate now on the psychological mechanisms I suspect. I don't allow myself to be human. Someone who sometimes fails. Someone who is not perfect. I simply torture myself. My expectations are extreme. I have made a little bit progress in psychotherapy. But I suffer a lot. This pressure is so indescribable. I think this stems from my child abuse during studying. I think due to that I associate studying with being in a lethal situation. I think I am triggered so strongly because it resembles the survival instinct.
Most of my usual anti-manic medication fails to work. Despite the fact I really take a lot of them. The only thing that really helps is addictive medication. I am very scared about addiction. If I was benzo addicted I probably would have to ctb. My extremely vulnerable brain could never stand the withdrawal symptoms.
Yeah my life is a shit show. I am thankful I can write my emotions here. It is a good valve. I try to make the right decision. It is really hard. The pressure is insane. I try to circumvent all these horrible consequences. But damn the next semester will be way way harder. And I don't have any therapy sessions anymore. Maybe I can somehow achieve to pass the exams, not getting addicted and not getting a manic epsiode for this semester. It is really really hard but maybe not impossible. But honestly I know which content there will be in the next semester. And it will be a completely other dimension. I am so desperate. I think the next semester will cause my suicide. (a new mania, new psychosis, then major depression with extreme psychosomatic pain). I try to concentrate on the current problems but other than most of my support network I don't live in a fairy tale world. Most of them are extremely naive and they are optimistic about my future. LMAO. I wished I could be this ignorant. It would help to forget about all the torment that will happen in my future.
The worst is yet to come.
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