During my last appoinment my therapist wanted to compliment me. He said I am a strong person. I think he had 2 arguments for it. I am still fighting despite the fact 2 therapists gave up hope on me. And I am often pretending in front of other people that I would be fine despite the fact I am not doing well.
I rather don't necessarily think that I am a strong person. I rather think I am mentally extremely fucked on a level many people barely can comprehend. My will to fight has several reasons. Pathological behavior, extreme desperation and an environment which demands it from me. The pathological aspect is very huge. I am extremely neurotic and I have a lot of OCD. My therapist does not even acknowledge I have OCD but I don't need his diagnosis to know this about me. Maybe you could argument my obsessive behavior could also be explained with psychosis/bipolar. It is really hard to differentiate I will probably never know the truth.
I more or less can't really give up. My brain needs to cling to hope in order not to become extremely depressive. The last time I fully gave up resulted in a mixed-manic depressive episode. And after that episode I felt way better. This time was extremely insane/torturous. I won't endure that once again. This does not mean I won't ctb. But the next time I give up I will probably kill myself. I think my bipolar disorder proceeds in circles. Currently I show manic symptoms. I have a lot of energy. I have set me this goal with college and now it is almost imposssible for me to stop that goal. I have analyzed this quite often. My recovery attempt (to go to college) could result in another mania/psychosis. And after the last episode I had extreme psychosomatic pain. If this returns I have to kill myself. So the situation is quite cynically. I am not doing all of this because I am a strong person. I am rather absolutely cornered and I have the feeling the more cornered I become the more determined I will be to exit this life when it becomes unbearable.
I sometimes still make jokes with people despite the fact I am enduring a mental hell. I think my therapist found that admirable. It is more cyncism to be honest. I am always the butt of the joke and the cherry on the top of my nightmarish life is the suicide at the end of it. I am aware about the situation that my life is fully fucked. A part of me says I barely have something to lose (which is not fully true though - the situation can always get worse.) But I rather experience this as a bonus round. My life is quite intensive. Sometimes it is quite thrilling. But not really in a positive way. It is rather a fight for survival which is a very existential experience. Always having my own suicide in my mind. Trying to enjoy the money which I have as long as I can. I sometimes have the feeling my life is already over. Due to the fact that the hope to get an happy end is very tiny. But I am still alive. I still experience things. Mostly bad things but at least I have currently no psychosomatic pain which I really appreciate.
I think I am quite a mental wreck. My whole thinking is pathological. Everything. Maybe I am too much analyzing. But this analyzing could also be seen as a result of delusional disorder. For example I am analyzing social interactions on an extreme level. I can remember details of some conversations from several years ago. Some of them are quite often in my mind. My obsession with politics is very likely pathological. Maybe it could be Asperger or a result of my psychosis. My obsession with suicide. My obsession with studying. My obsession what other people think of me. The fact that I am a control freak. The fact that I am thinking way too much about David Foster Wallace and other people who have ctb.
Don't forget my obsession concerning my weight.
I am kind of proud I can deceive other people to let them think I was mentally stable. I trained that with my therapist and I made real progress. There was a time you could see straightaway that I am not fully sane. But to that time I was in extreme mental pain for more than 2,5 years.
I am pretty broken. My whole obsession what other people think of me fuels my attempts to act as if I was doing okay. I am so obsessive that I would do anything so that my outer appearance is fine. It really decreases my last remaining life quality. But I would rather die than to quit my obsessions. Many of my obsessive behaviors take unbelievable (torturous) willpower. I am in a bad mental state but these obsessions often make things way worse. I am proud of my effort but I more or less already lost the fight. I think the only way I can endure this fight is my knowledge that I can kill myself when the plan backfires. The hope for peace and no more pain is really big. As long as I live I will always be a prisoner of my mind. But admittedly there are days with less pain. For example during vaccation. But there is a huge extreme imbalance of good and bad things in my life.
I rather don't necessarily think that I am a strong person. I rather think I am mentally extremely fucked on a level many people barely can comprehend. My will to fight has several reasons. Pathological behavior, extreme desperation and an environment which demands it from me. The pathological aspect is very huge. I am extremely neurotic and I have a lot of OCD. My therapist does not even acknowledge I have OCD but I don't need his diagnosis to know this about me. Maybe you could argument my obsessive behavior could also be explained with psychosis/bipolar. It is really hard to differentiate I will probably never know the truth.
I more or less can't really give up. My brain needs to cling to hope in order not to become extremely depressive. The last time I fully gave up resulted in a mixed-manic depressive episode. And after that episode I felt way better. This time was extremely insane/torturous. I won't endure that once again. This does not mean I won't ctb. But the next time I give up I will probably kill myself. I think my bipolar disorder proceeds in circles. Currently I show manic symptoms. I have a lot of energy. I have set me this goal with college and now it is almost imposssible for me to stop that goal. I have analyzed this quite often. My recovery attempt (to go to college) could result in another mania/psychosis. And after the last episode I had extreme psychosomatic pain. If this returns I have to kill myself. So the situation is quite cynically. I am not doing all of this because I am a strong person. I am rather absolutely cornered and I have the feeling the more cornered I become the more determined I will be to exit this life when it becomes unbearable.
I sometimes still make jokes with people despite the fact I am enduring a mental hell. I think my therapist found that admirable. It is more cyncism to be honest. I am always the butt of the joke and the cherry on the top of my nightmarish life is the suicide at the end of it. I am aware about the situation that my life is fully fucked. A part of me says I barely have something to lose (which is not fully true though - the situation can always get worse.) But I rather experience this as a bonus round. My life is quite intensive. Sometimes it is quite thrilling. But not really in a positive way. It is rather a fight for survival which is a very existential experience. Always having my own suicide in my mind. Trying to enjoy the money which I have as long as I can. I sometimes have the feeling my life is already over. Due to the fact that the hope to get an happy end is very tiny. But I am still alive. I still experience things. Mostly bad things but at least I have currently no psychosomatic pain which I really appreciate.
I think I am quite a mental wreck. My whole thinking is pathological. Everything. Maybe I am too much analyzing. But this analyzing could also be seen as a result of delusional disorder. For example I am analyzing social interactions on an extreme level. I can remember details of some conversations from several years ago. Some of them are quite often in my mind. My obsession with politics is very likely pathological. Maybe it could be Asperger or a result of my psychosis. My obsession with suicide. My obsession with studying. My obsession what other people think of me. The fact that I am a control freak. The fact that I am thinking way too much about David Foster Wallace and other people who have ctb.
Don't forget my obsession concerning my weight.
I am kind of proud I can deceive other people to let them think I was mentally stable. I trained that with my therapist and I made real progress. There was a time you could see straightaway that I am not fully sane. But to that time I was in extreme mental pain for more than 2,5 years.
I am pretty broken. My whole obsession what other people think of me fuels my attempts to act as if I was doing okay. I am so obsessive that I would do anything so that my outer appearance is fine. It really decreases my last remaining life quality. But I would rather die than to quit my obsessions. Many of my obsessive behaviors take unbelievable (torturous) willpower. I am in a bad mental state but these obsessions often make things way worse. I am proud of my effort but I more or less already lost the fight. I think the only way I can endure this fight is my knowledge that I can kill myself when the plan backfires. The hope for peace and no more pain is really big. As long as I live I will always be a prisoner of my mind. But admittedly there are days with less pain. For example during vaccation. But there is a huge extreme imbalance of good and bad things in my life.
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