I am a sick person I deserve to die

[iwannadie]

So yea

 

[Sittichmutter]

If you are sick, you need first help and treatment.
Why do you think you deserve to die?

 

[iwannadie]

There is no help

 

[suicidesheep31]

I am sorry to hear that you are sick.
And you are suffering from it.
Feel free to express and share your thoughts here.
Nobody will judge you.

 

[iwannadie]

you will judge me anyway but ok

I am an adult who is attracted to kids and even though I have never acted on it I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and well I just want to die

 

[suicidesheep31]

It is really brave to reply honestly.
I am an INFJ, so I still don't judge you.

You say that you feel shame and embarrassment.
This means that you can distinguish between what you want to do and what it is wise and rational to do.
This is the first step.

If you feel this and express it, for me, it means that you want to prevent any harm. Is that true?

 

[JoeFailure]

you will judge me anyway but ok

I am an adult who is attracted to kids and even though I have never acted on it I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and well I just want to die

There is a different perspective there though...I can't say I know what that's like but there is a lot of strength in never acting on it. There's probably a lot of shame people have about private attractions/fetishes they have. But to know that you shouldn't act on certain ones and following through with that is actually admirable.

I don't think that attraction itself makes you a sick person. I don't think anyone can help who they're attracted to. I can imagine it must be really hard to suppress it but it sounds like you are and I can empathize with feeling suicidal about it.

It's easy to say you shouldn't feel shame from the outside...but hopefully you can let go of at least some of that. You are not following through on an attraction and born-in desires for the sake of the well-being of innocent kids. That makes you a good person, not sick.

 

[suicidesheep31]

Do you mind if I share a link with you if you want to look for help?
link

 

[Sittichmutter]

Look, there are good therapists that could help you. People feel attraction for many different things. You are clear about your attraction and is not acting. It shows that You are a sensible and cautious person who does not wish to harm anyone. You can find a loving partner that would play a role for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really awful what you are going through. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about what you're dealing with. Pedos are people too. First step is acknowledging you have an obsession with kids. You could try and delve deeper as to why you have this obsession and how it came about. It can be helped, I believe. First you have to make a distinction between kids and teens. It's nothing wrong to find 16yo attractive, of course, it's wrong to wanna have sex with her. However, finding preteen kids sexually attractive is not normal or natural. Some people find forbidden things arousing so it's not kids you find attracted to but you have some weird fetish with forbidden things or for some reason you have a fixation with kids, maybe low self-esteem or something happened when you were a kid, perhaps rejection. You need to stop porn as much as possible and minimize masturbation. Basically the same as with any kind of addiction. You need to develop healthy sexual habits. This takes time and effort and porn and lustful thinking are just gonna undermine you. Distract yourself with other things and structure your day in a way that you're occupied with other things and activities you enjoy and are productive for your health, wealth and spiritual wellbeing. You might wanna also consider therapist or seek some online help specifically for your issue but not from fellow pedos. There are people that wish you get it under control.

 

[NorseHel]

As others have said, I think your intent matters more than any innate feelings. You've identified you have a problem, and it's clear this is something you want to fix. I can't help you with this, but I sincerely believe that there's hope for you, though only you can get yourself out of this. I'm sure there's resources online, and maybe it's even possible to work with a therapist. I understand that shame will play a big part in preventing you from seeking help, but there is no shame in wanting to get better.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

First step is acknowledging you have an obsession with kid

How do you leap from "I am attracted to kids and I am embarrassed" to "you have an obsession"?

I don't think everyone with this paraphilia is guaranteed to be obsessed, just as any adult with normal adult attraction isn't guaranteed to be obsessed with sex.

I guess the forced repression plays a part in a likely obsession, though. Def a convo to be had there.

you will judge me anyway but ok

I am an adult who is attracted to kids and even though I have never acted on it I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and well I just want to die

Quite noble to admit this, since 99.9% of the population could post on social media "all pedophiles should get beaten to death with a metal baseball bat" and would receive mostly praise for that.

Do you have strong urges? Is it impossible for you to imagine living by obstaining from all sexual encounters?

 

[iwannadie]

IMHO pedos don't deserve to live and that includes me

The world is a better place without them/me

 

[VoidDesirer22]

and maybe it's even possible to work with a therapist. I

I seriously wonder if this is possible. I wonder if admiting it in any capacity out loud would feel impossible.
Try to imagine the absolute dread of being seen as an inherient monster just for how you were born.
Must be absolutely fking stressful.

Maybe therapists are barred by law to not disclose information about their clients... But oh boy, you really have to question the power of that law.
People can admit suicidality and become forcibly confined. It's a tough world out there even without having such abnormal sexual attractions.

IMHO pedos don't deserve to live and that includes me

The world is a better place without them/me

Have you always thought this?

 

[Al_stargate]

How do you leap from "I am attracted to kids and I am embarrassed" to "you have an obsession"?

'I wanna kill myself' would make me think he has an obsession with kids, most likely. I don't think I have to make much of a 'leap' here.

I guess the forced repression plays a part in a likely obsession, though. Def a convo to be had there.

I agree with that. Repressing anything will just make it way worse.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

IMHO pedos don't deserve to live and that includes me

The world is a better place without them/me

The only people who don't deserve to live are those who commit harm against others.
An abnormal sexual attraction your brain was wired with does not make you a monster from the starting line.
Just as people imagining hitting their kids when they have tantrums, but would never dare act it out for real, are not monsters.

'I wanna kill myself' would make me think he has an obsession with kids, most likely. I don't think I have to make much of a 'leap' here.

Maybe you're right. I have been on this forum for so long now I've forgotten how unusual it is to think about suicide this much.

 

[Al_stargate]

An abnormal sexual attraction your brain was wired with

Not sure if I would make that assumption. People indulge in lust themselves. It's like saying to a fat person that he was wired to eat junk food and live unhealthy. Nobody would say that. It takes effort to make right choices and after that it's autopilot. Also when people are 'wired', it gives them an excuse to not change.

 

[Cathy Ames]

IMHO pedos don't deserve to live and that includes me

The world is a better place without them/me

Well... you didn't choose to be that way, I'm sure of it. Seems as though if you NEVER ACT ON IT and can still find a way to have a worthwhile life, the world can be a better place with you in it. I expect you would need some outside help to accomplish those things, though.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Not sure if I would make that assumption. People indulge in lust themselves. It's like saying to a fat person that he was wired to eat junk food and live unhealthy. Nobody would say that. It takes effort. Also when people are 'wired', it gives them an excuse to not change.

But then we are in the territory of homsexual to straight conversion camps being a reasonable thing.

It is a wiring. Sexual attraction to children isn't something you can relearn by force, just as being LGBTQIA+ is not something you can relearn.

But unlike being LGBTQIA+, being attracted to children is a huge no-no, so morally there are no excuses for the pedophile to put themselves in more situations with children or whatever. The lust may be coercive, but there are conscious strategies that could minimize it. Life isn't all about sex, afterall.
There are many ways to neutralize urges, and OP would have to figure that out if they decide not to ctb.

Eating junk food isn't sexual attraction, so I don't agree with that comparison at all.

 

[sharky]

Im conflicted on this because obviously there's no "cure" and many pedophile people are major risks to society, especially if not in therapy. At same time I feel sympathy because if you are at heart a good person but are wired this way, the hatred inflicted on yourself must be immense.

 

[iwannadie]

Indeed I hate myself very much
But I don't want to hurt kids, just myself

 

[Cathy Ames]

Did you check out that link?

 

[Al_stargate]

It is a wiring. Sexual attraction to children isn't something you can relearn by force, just as being LGBTQIA+ is not something you can relearn.

My opinion is that pedophilia is a perversion, not something one is born with. It wouldn't make any sense from an evolutionary stance, when gay and trans does have science behind it and IMO good explanation from evolutionary perspective. Can show videos on youtube. But I'm not an expert on it, it's just my opinion. However, I think being pedo is a mental rogue state and needs to be treated for the sake of an individual and society. I think lust or persuit of pleasure plays a big part here, just like how some people have lust for junk food or alcohol or gambling. Pedos have a huge sense of excitement when indulging in such fantasies indicating they can't control lust just like addicts of any kind. That's why I think some sort of addiction treatment program could work. Alcohol addicts also tell themselves they're wired that way, it's in their family etc., when we know nobody is wired to be alcoholic. Proned yes, genetically, mentally or however, and I believe some people are more proned to being a pedo because of some personal traits, cultural heritage, genes or whatever.

 

[Cathy Ames]

not something one is born with. It wouldn't make any sense from an evolutionary stance, when gay and trans does have science behind it and IMO good explanation from evolutionary perspective.

Interesting. In about five minutes on google, I found that there are experts who think the opposite. They did studies on men in prison for acting on it. They found enough physical traits in common (such as left handedness and being shorter than average) to suggest biological roots. They did MRIs and found differences in their brains. Overall, they think what they found so far indicates that it might be related to something that happens to them while still in utero.

Here is one article that talks about it.

Many researchers taking a different view of pedophilia

Many researchers taking a different view of pedophilia

webcache.googleusercontent.com

Among the most compelling findings is that 30% of pedophiles are left-handed or ambidextrous, triple the general rate. Because hand dominance is established through some combination of genetics and the environment of the womb, scientists see that association as a powerful indicator that something is different about pedophiles at birth.

"The only explanation is a physiological one," said James Cantor, a leader of the research.

Interesting. In about five minutes on google, I found that there are experts who think the opposite. They did studies on men in prison for acting on it. They found enough physical traits in common (such as left handedness and being shorter than average) to suggest biological roots. They did MRIs and found differences in their brains. Overall, they think what they found so far indicates that it might be related to something that happens to them while still in utero.

Here is one article that talks about it.

Many researchers taking a different view of pedophilia

Many researchers taking a different view of pedophilia

webcache.googleusercontent.com

Among the most compelling findings is that 30% of pedophiles are left-handed or ambidextrous, triple the general rate. Because hand dominance is established through some combination of genetics and the environment of the womb, scientists see that association as a powerful indicator that something is different about pedophiles at birth.

"The only explanation is a physiological one," said James Cantor, a leader of the research.

Here's another article that talks about the biology (among other things).

Preying on Children: The Emerging Psychology of Pedophiles (Published 2019)

Images of child sex abuse have reached a crisis point on the internet. Now, science is beginning to shed light on why people abuse children in the first place.

www.nytimes.com

Wow, that gift link looks really bad. I hope it works.

 

[GentleJerk]

IMHO pedos don't deserve to live and that includes me

The world is a better place without them/me

Indeed I hate myself very much
But I don't want to hurt kids, just myself

I think the world is definitely a better place without pedophilia. I have zero tolerance for it as a father. If you cannot change and you hate yourself because of it, that is understandable and must be very tough to live with. I'm sorry you are going through that.

Rather than killing, the best thing is to destroy pedophilia itself if possible. Try everything in your power to get help and completely eliminate all traces of it.

If that's not possible, the next best thing is to segregate yourself from society, out of compassion for children. For their safety and your own. I'm serious. It would not be too much to consider living like a recluse/hermit if you have to, and have your food delivered etc. Many fine Japanese people live long and happy lives like this, monks too.

I know you say you don't want to hurt kids and haven't acted on it, and I would love to be able to give you the benefit of the doubt, but every pedophile says that in the beginning. It's always a possibility if you have those feelings and thoughts, and it's not a risk ever worth gambling.

If you became some sort of Hikikomori then your pedophilia will be safely contained and unable to produce possible harm to others. But you must never partake in anything like CP as that is involving yourself directly with the abuse of children and creating the prerequisite conditions for it to exist.

And if you are considering suicide, there are many people on this site who are considering the same thing for reasons that are less understandable to me than yours. I think we should offer you alternative options and support, but remain understanding if that is what you want.

*Disclaimer* The opinions of GentleSoul do not reflect the opinions of SS or it's members.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

My opinion is that pedophilia is a perversion, not something one is born with. It wouldn't make any sense from an evolutionary stance, when gay and trans does have science behind it and IMO good explanation from evolutionary perspective. Can show videos on youtube. But I'm not an expert on it, it's just my opinion. However, I think being pedo is a mental rogue state and needs to be treated for the sake of an individual and society. I think lust or persuit of pleasure plays a big part here, just like how some people have lust for junk food or alcohol or gambling. Pedos have a huge sense of excitement when indulging in such fantasies indicating they can't control lust just like addicts of any kind. That's why I think some sort of addiction treatment program could work. Alcohol addicts also tell themselves they're wired that way, it's in their family etc., when we know nobody is wired to be alcoholic. Proned yes, genetically, mentally or however, and I believe some people are more proned to being a pedo because of some personal traits, cultural heritage, genes or whatever.

I know you're not an expert and it is your opinion. You really don't have to mention this.

It is a sexual orientation, not only a perversion. If I hadn't already lost my faith in humans being able to meaningfully change their minds, rather than succumbing to confirmation bias, I'd pursue this discussion further.

If you became some sort of Hikikomori then your pedophilia will be safely contained and unable to produce possible harm to others

I like your comment, but you say the above and then immediately say "But you must never partake in anything like CP ". But, like, being a shut-in has fairly large chances of turning a socially-healthy person who has pedophilia, into a social recluce with little left to lose.
Which might be what a pedophile is doomed to feel an alarming majority of the time anyway, but no use speeding it up.

If there is a solution besides ctb, it doesn't seem to be locking oneself inside with internet access and potential dark web access.
Tbh what you probably want is for them to be in prison without either internet access or access to children in any form, but then ctb with N is actually much more desirable.

 

[Al_stargate]

It is a sexual orientation, not only a perversion.

It's definitely a perversion, pedos are attracted the same to grown people not just kids. You could make a point that some are more prone due to whatever. Anyway, you are smart and I like exchanging opinions with you, don't take it the wrong way.

 

[Cathy Ames]

pedos are attracted the same to grown people not just kids.

I'm not sure this is necessarily correct. Maybe sometimes, but not always. Again, based on my five minutes with google plus hitting the link someone else gave.

If there is a solution besides ctb, it doesn't seem to be locking oneself inside with internet access and potential dark web access.
Tbh what you probably want is for them to be in prison without either internet access or access to children in any form, but then ctb with N is actually much more desirable.

There should be a way to be away from children and not use CP (but still have some internet access, though) without being in prison. Prison is horrible. Think of a different solution than prison, please.

 

[Red Scare]

It is a sexual orientation

I take great offense to this as someone who is part of the lgbt community.

Suggesting someone's fetish is somehow like my sexual orientation is very upsetting, and I get mad when people say that their fetishes, including bdsm, are somehow the same as my sexual orientation. It's not. Don't compare the two. It's really that simple.

OP ought to get help. There are professionals who specialize in treating people like him. Chemical castration is still a possibility, although some of those people have been known to still prey on children afterwards, so that seems to suggest to me it's not entirely sexual. There is a predator element there, similar to how a rapist will rape someone because they want to feel the power and control.

Was the op sexually abused as a child? They don't say, that would explain a lot. They are traumatized, and now want to live out their trauma by hurting other kids, or something like that. A realization like that with a therapist and working through the trauma could be possible. But then here I am on SS saying that my trauma is more than I can handle, and I want to ctb, so I definitely understand the op wanting to die, if they can't live with themselves.