I am a monster that must be put down to protect others.

[deathbecomesus]

My battles with life have morphed me into a sick, twisted monster. I am a horrible person. I have horrible thoughts and urges. I am doing everyone on this planet a favor by taking myself out. Rabid animals are sick. They have rabies, a disease they did not choose but got infected with from other animals with rabies. We give them mercy when we put them down and we protect everyone else and other animals too. That is what I am. I am the animal with rabies. I won't have to suffer anymore and everyone else will be safe with me gone. I am disgusted by what I have become. I have to protect everyone else from myself. And I can stop suffering too.

 

[FogFilledLife]

My battles with life have morphed me into a sick, twisted monster. I am a horrible person. I have horrible thoughts and urges. I am doing everyone on this planet a favor by taking myself out. Rabid animals are sick. They have rabies, a disease they did not choose but got infected with from other animals with rabies. We give them mercy when we put them down and we protect everyone else and other animals too. That is what I am. I am the animal with rabies. I won't have to suffer anymore and everyone else will be safe with me gone. I am disgusted by what I have become. I have to protect everyone else from myself. And I can stop suffering too.

Same. I can't seem to put myself down though. I've tried to hang for over an hour without success, tried to overdose on meds my doctors believed me allergic, and gotten locked in a psych for months after trying to (unsuccessfully) purchase a gun. I can't even get the strength to try thinking most days anymore.

 

[Pluto]

Ironically, it's very noble to focus so much on the wellbeing of others. Real monsters never have even a moment of philanthropy. On the other hand, intrusive thoughts are a horrible thing to deal with. I get them sometimes myself and it reminds me how much it sucks to lack stabilising forces like a family. We're all potential monsters if dysfunction is free to run rampant.

 

[miserableforever]

My battles with life have morphed me into a sick, twisted monster. I am a horrible person. I have horrible thoughts and urges. I am doing everyone on this planet a favor by taking myself out. Rabid animals are sick. They have rabies, a disease they did not choose but got infected with from other animals with rabies. We give them mercy when we put them down and we protect everyone else and other animals too. That is what I am. I am the animal with rabies. I won't have to suffer anymore and everyone else will be safe with me gone. I am disgusted by what I have become. I have to protect everyone else from myself. And I can stop suffering too.

Do you constantly feel this way or does it come in waves, depending on the circumstances? I'm curious cause I do too feel the rabid rage when certain things happen in my life on a regular basis, but then I snap out of it for a while. Sucks when the feeling sometimes doesn't go away and i treat my loved ones badly.
Would you like to explain what happened to you?

 

[wait.what]

Forgive me if the question's inappropriate, @deathbecomesus, but are you living in a DID system? It's the "us" at the end of your name, and the fact that it's really common to have "monster" alters of one kind of another. Usually they have some kind of protector function, even if they feel compelled to cause pain.

There are plenty of real-enough human monsters walking around out there, don't get me wrong, but most will never willingly admit to what they are, much less say that they need to be stopped.

 

[deathbecomesus]

Do you constantly feel this way or does it come in waves, depending on the circumstances? I'm curious cause I do too feel the rabid rage when certain things happen in my life on a regular basis, but then I snap out of it for a while. Sucks when the feeling sometimes doesn't go away and i treat my loved ones badly.
Would you like to explain what happened to you?

It does come in waves. It usually happens when I have been pushed to my limits by someone or several people, like when I was bullied at some of the jobs I've worked at or when I was abused. When I snap out of it, I feel disgusted and repulsed that my mind ever went to such a place in the first place. I feel like a despicable failure of a human being. My good self wants peace and wants to love everyone, even those who hurt me. But then it's like the darkness takes over sometimes and my mind turns to very bad places. I haven't physically hurt anyone but I am afraid of doing it. The thoughts and urges get so powerful sometimes. I was physically abused as a child, so the idea of hurting anyone else is repulsive and shameful. If I got abused as a child, why would I ever want to do that to anyone else? I consider myself a pacifist. Recently, someone has gone out of their way to make my life a living hell and has shown no remorse for it. They also have shown they intend on hurting other people the same way they hurt me, and I feel helpless that they are going to get away with hurting me and continue hurting other people in the same way. I feel such a horrible sense of helplessness and hopelessness regarding it. It's bringing out nasty sides of me.

Forgive me if the question's inappropriate, @deathbecomesus, but are you living in a DID system? It's the "us" at the end of your name, and the fact that it's really common to have "monster" alters of one kind of another. Usually they have some kind of protector function, even if they feel compelled to cause pain.

There are plenty of real-enough human monsters walking around out there, don't get me wrong, but most will never willingly admit to what they are, much less say that they need to be stopped.

I'm not sure. I have never been diagnosed with DID. I do have quiet BPD though, so I internalize all of my issues instead of externalizing them. For example, instead of lashing out in anger, I may withdraw and cut someone out of my life. Instead of having outbursts of sadness, I'll usually just withdraw and become isolated. I try very hard not to cause anyone emotional or physical harm. I just internalize everything (direct my negative emotions inward towards myself) and withdraw and isolate instead. I do experience very acute and noticeable personality shifts, but I always thought it was because of my BPD. I also do have mild memory gaps and dissociation that can sometimes be very severe. People in my life have noticed that my personality changes drastically on a regular basis. The way I think, feel, behave, dress, and even speak changes. My interests and values change. I have noticed that when looking at previous journals. But I think that is most likely due to the BPD.

 

[Lungz]

It does come in waves. It usually happens when I have been pushed to my limits by someone or several people, like when I was bullied at some of the jobs I've worked at or when I was abused. When I snap out of it, I feel disgusted and repulsed that my mind ever went to such a place in the first place. I feel like a despicable failure of a human being. My good self wants peace and wants to love everyone, even those who hurt me. But then it's like the darkness takes over sometimes and my mind turns to very bad places. I haven't physically hurt anyone but I am afraid of doing it. The thoughts and urges get so powerful sometimes. I was physically abused as a child, so the idea of hurting anyone else is repulsive and shameful. If I got abused as a child, why would I ever want to do that to anyone else? I consider myself a pacifist. Recently, someone has gone out of their way to make my life a living hell and has shown no remorse for it. They also have shown they intend on hurting other people the same way they hurt me, and I feel helpless that they are going to get away with hurting me and continue hurting other people in the same way. I feel such a horrible sense of helplessness and hopelessness regarding it. It's bringing out nasty sides of me.

I'm not sure. I have never been diagnosed with DID. I do have quiet BPD though, so I internalize all of my issues instead of externalizing them. For example, instead of lashing out in anger, I may withdraw and cut someone out of my life. Instead of having outbursts of sadness, I'll usually just withdraw and become isolated. I try very hard not to cause anyone emotional or physical harm. I just internalize everything (direct my negative emotions inward towards myself) and withdraw and isolate instead. I do experience very acute and noticeable personality shifts, but I always thought it was because of my BPD. I also do have mild memory gaps and dissociation that can sometimes be very severe. People in my life have noticed that my personality changes drastically on a regular basis. The way I think, feel, behave, dress, and even speak changes. My interests and values change. I have noticed that when looking at previous journals. But I think that is most likely due to the BPD.

it seems like you carry some kind of survivors guilt. compulsive thoughts are very normal and do not mean you are sick or diseased, yourejust a product of your situation . dont be so hard on yourself for the way your inner monolog works.YOU are not your thoughts, simply the observer of them.
just because you become consumed with an aggressive or unforgivable intrusive thought doesnt mean it defines you in any kind of way
i carried a lot of shame for the wway i think until i really internalized this concept . if you havent acted out on any of these compulsions,you are 100% okay and 100% normal
id say the reason youre even having these thoughts is because you feel so much shame bc of them, once you break out of the guilt they wont be so jarring and affect you so much, after this they will just fade away
i recommend you look into obsessive compulsive disorder/intrusive thoughts from childhood trauma

 

[deathbecomesus]

it seems like you carry some kind of survivors guilt. compulsive thoughts are very normal and do not mean you are sick or diseased, yourejust a product of your situation . dont be so hard on yourself for the way your inner monolog works.YOU are not your thoughts, simply the observer of them.
just because you become consumed with an aggressive or unforgivable intrusive thought doesnt mean it defines you in any kind of way
i carried a lot of shame for the wway i think until i really internalized this concept . if you havent acted out on any of these compulsions,you are 100% okay and 100% normal
id say the reason youre even having these thoughts is because you feel so much shame bc of them, once you break out of the guilt they wont be so jarring and affect you so much, after this they will just fade away
i recommend you look into obsessive compulsive disorder/intrusive thoughts from childhood trauma

Thank you. This is what I try telling myself all the time. It's just hard because I feel like I am messed up for even thinking these things. Sometimes I judge people too harshly. I kept a very detailed journal. I would make daily journal videos to help me keep track of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to learn and grow. My ex put spyware on my phone and he had to see all of that. All of my most private, intimate, worst thoughts and feelings, because these video clips were journals for myself. Things I never want to share with anyone. My paranoia, my dissociation, my mood swings, my anger, everything. I feel humiliated and disgusting. Outside of my journals, outside of my thoughts, the way I treat everyone is by treating them the best I can. But I feel like because he got to peer into my mind, now my thoughts do define me, because that's all he got to see. I treat others with love and kindness but now I feel like I am reduced to my disordered thinking and nothing more.

This morning,
I heard someone coming down the stairs.
I have been living in fear ever since I discovered the spyware. I keep fearing that at any moment, my ex will show up to kill me.
But this time was different.
I imagined my ex coming down the hallway. And I just sat here. I didn't move. I just looked. And in my imagination, he walked up to me. And I imagined he pointed a gun at my head. I said nothing. I just looked at him. And then he pulled the trigger.
It's because it is what I want now. I no longer fear death because I want to die.
I have been living with PTSD ever since what my ex did to me. Every time something feels slightly off, I am sent into panic. I feared my friend was in danger when she didn't answer right away. Every "off" email sends my heart into a flurry. I have had several full-blown panic attacks where I cried and screamed so hard, I sounded possessed.
Usually when I hear someone come downstairs unannounced, my first instinct was to hide until I confirmed it was a family member.
This time, I didn't. I just sat there. I waited. I watched. I was ready to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so painful and unbearable what you have to endure, it really is such a cruel world and it is terrible the way that some people treat others. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[unredeemable]

Sorry you're in so much pain. I relate to a lot of what you're saying. Isolation seems like the best option for me right now. It's not great, but it's better than being with someone who made my life a living hell. Hope you find some comfort soon.

 

[Lungz]

Thank you. This is what I try telling myself all the time. It's just hard because I feel like I am messed up for even thinking these things. Sometimes I judge people too harshly. I kept a very detailed journal. I would make daily journal videos to help me keep track of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to learn and grow. My ex put spyware on my phone and he had to see all of that. All of my most private, intimate, worst thoughts and feelings, because these video clips were journals for myself. Things I never want to share with anyone. My paranoia, my dissociation, my mood swings, my anger, everything. I feel humiliated and disgusting. Outside of my journals, outside of my thoughts, the way I treat everyone is by treating them the best I can. But I feel like because he got to peer into my mind, now my thoughts do define me, because that's all he got to see. I treat others with love and kindness but now I feel like I am reduced to my disordered thinking and nothing more.

This morning,
I heard someone coming down the stairs.
I have been living in fear ever since I discovered the spyware. I keep fearing that at any moment, my ex will show up to kill me.
But this time was different.
I imagined my ex coming down the hallway. And I just sat here. I didn't move. I just looked. And in my imagination, he walked up to me. And I imagined he pointed a gun at my head. I said nothing. I just looked at him. And then he pulled the trigger.
It's because it is what I want now. I no longer fear death because I want to die.
I have been living with PTSD ever since what my ex did to me. Every time something feels slightly off, I am sent into panic. I feared my friend was in danger when she didn't answer right away. Every "off" email sends my heart into a flurry. I have had several full-blown panic attacks where I cried and screamed so hard, I sounded possessed.
Usually when I hear someone come downstairs unannounced, my first instinct was to hide until I confirmed it was a family member.
This time, I didn't. I just sat there. I waited. I watched. I was ready to die.

i can 100% understand why youre carrying so much shame and anxiety after reading this. youre not messed up for thinking /anything/, you're stuck in harmful thought loops, n this is a very normal response considering your circumstances .anxiety is a harrowing thing to live with, every day, your inner monologue constantly spewing things that usually donot resonate with your actual feelings atall. i brought up ocd in my previous msg, not as a possible diagnosis, moreso in correlation to your current thinking patters, the constant 'what if' and mistrust of your 'true self'.

''Mindfulness is a useful technique for decreasing anxiety because of its emphasis on accepting your thoughts. When an intrusive thought pops up, you let it exist in your mind without providing it any weight. You experience the thought, but don't judge it, change it or try to make it go away. You wait until it passes instead of thinking it should or shouldn't be there.''

dont let such fleeting emotions and ideas hold so much weight to how you view yourself, and the world around you. believe me, i know its not as easy as 'dont let it' just try taking small steps to healthily dissociate yourself from your thoughts and give yourself a chance to recognize whn youre going into self deprecation mode lol.
from what ive read here, you seem to be a very kind, self aware person that has mistrust and shame instilled into them. FUCK whatever your ex thinks about whatever he heard in your journaling, that guy is a freakshow for invading your privacy and driving you to the point youre at. i relate to your situation A LOT,like a lot. and i really hope you, and myself are able to get through this and finally find the peace you/we deserve. <3