i am a coward

[thefaunasystem]

I went to my location today with every intention of going up in the lift and walking straight off the side without hestitation but i guess my SI got the better of me. I know the fall would kill me; my body wouldn't be pretty but it would do the job. 8 storey car park, about 75-90m high

I have been feeling so low and hopeless about the prospect of anything getting any better but somehow I can't pull the trigger metaphorically speaking. I feel like such a coward. I know its what I want; I've thought about it so much but the act of jumping just seems so scary.

I bought what I thought was SN and took it with the 24 hour regime from this forum and it did nothing, which is why I've decided I have to jump instead. I wish it had worked, it would have been a much better way to go and at this rate I'm going to have to go for suspension which was a really unpleasant sensation when I tried it in the past. Hanging there and shaking was so scary and then waking up to police isn't something I feel like I can forget and I'm too scared of that happening again to try it again.

It was so easy to take the SN. I felt at peace, like I'd done the right thing. Except it turned out to not be SN, it just made me sick once. I'm so angry at myself for not being able to do anything so violent. I just want to feel peace.

 

[ma0]

I feel like that as well, I just know that this world has nothing for me but it's only when I try to act on my desires that I suddenly freeze up. It's natural, although I wish it weren't.

Hope you're able to find peace in whatever way that may be for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wish for peace as well, I hope that you find the relief from suffering you search for.