derpyderpins
In the Service of the Queen
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1,852
I'm 16, looking up at the stars on the front lawn; I'm 18 wandering campus at 2am; I'm 24 at another campus looking for the best place to jump in front of a train... Always afraid everything is going to unravel at any second. Angry that I'm not accepted, or doing as well as I want, or getting looked at.
Now I've bought a house with a great woman who loves me. I'm getting praised at my new job. And I feel like I'm back looking at the stars again, unable to sleep and worried about . . . I don't know, everything I guess. If I were talking to someone else in my situation I'd have nice encouraging things to say.
But for me, I just think I'm inadequate. I'm fooling everyone, and it will all fall apart. I don't deserve anything. I'm really a nuisance. I'm dead weight. I can't change or control anything, I just avoid confrontation. It was right when I was rejected in my career, or at school, or with women. I lean on my intellect but I won't put the work in. I'll slip up, get quiet, get lazy, alienate people, and be left alone. What I have now will fall apart, too.
I know that's not rational. It's me being too hard on myself. But knowing that doesn't make the thoughts stop. I always slip back into that same feeling of being a scared young man.
Now I've bought a house with a great woman who loves me. I'm getting praised at my new job. And I feel like I'm back looking at the stars again, unable to sleep and worried about . . . I don't know, everything I guess. If I were talking to someone else in my situation I'd have nice encouraging things to say.
But for me, I just think I'm inadequate. I'm fooling everyone, and it will all fall apart. I don't deserve anything. I'm really a nuisance. I'm dead weight. I can't change or control anything, I just avoid confrontation. It was right when I was rejected in my career, or at school, or with women. I lean on my intellect but I won't put the work in. I'll slip up, get quiet, get lazy, alienate people, and be left alone. What I have now will fall apart, too.
I know that's not rational. It's me being too hard on myself. But knowing that doesn't make the thoughts stop. I always slip back into that same feeling of being a scared young man.
