SuicideByBelt
Student
- Sep 18, 2019
- 142
I wasn't doing very well in high school. At 15, my mother pushed me to drop out of school for community college, but I wanted to change from the private school to the public school. I was bullied at school and unsafe at home. I was screamed at regularly and pushed for it.
I changed schools. It was a better environment for me and it was a disaster but I kept resisting my mother's attempts to kick me out of school - because I believed leaving school means you failed at life. I kept conflicting with my parents and getting counsellors to intervene to speak for my interests.
I left school with no qualifications.
At 18, I was suicidal. My mother didn't believe me, went "boo-hoo you have it so tough" when I was on antidepressant withdrawals, refused to support me for medication, tried to push me to stop taking them without any medical assistance. A counsellor saw the situation getting out of hand and had to intervene.
I did one art course I didn't want to do. I was screamed at for asking to change.
Left that, did a university preparation course. My mother threatened to cancel this course on me - pretending she has any control over my life. I was very destructive and hurtful for others, I seeked out toxic sites for information on how to navigate life. Was hurtful, immature, lost a lot of friends. In one class, I was texting a support text number. The teacher didn't want me texting in class, took me out of the class to ask why I won't stop, I told her I was texting a counsellor about suicidal ideation, and she ended the class and took me to hospital.
I passed first semester of university preparation, then failed the second twice.
After that, 20 was the age anyone can go. My mother pushed me into another art degree I didn't want to do. I did a year of it confused, left after a year. I was being targeted online and it affected me more intensely than the average person. An ongoing repetitive obsession. People were falsely accusing me on crimes over Facebook. I would feel intense emotions and leave class early to go home, struggle to sleep. My counsellor got sick of me, dismissed my concerns, called me autistic. I later learned a counsellor isn't qualified to make an assessment like that and I believe this was a malpractice.
When I asked for a diagnosis after being called autistic, they referred me to a facility. The facility asked for my story, I told them, and they said "sorry, we only deal with serious situations." This means I never was able to find out who I am.
Started a degree I wanted to do at 21. Cheated my way through the year.
Then I got depressed and dropped out. Spent a year on the welfare, with intense trauma from my past experiences. Welfare recommended me to a supermarket job so I did that in 2019. I kept talking to myself, was very depressed, couldn't cope with it. Eventually they had to take me hospital because I was very suicidal and they could sense it. I did door to door sales for a few weeks then left. Being called autistic, I found depressing statistics around autism (unemployment, suicidal ideation, divorce, etc.) and it made me feel hopeless, I found incel forums which reinforced these feelings.
While I was on the welfare and working at the supermarket, I cut off contact with my mother. My sister thought I was blaming her and "not being an adult" but I disagree. My sister has gotten vicious over it. My sister is blindly ignoring clear wrongdoing. Even if I graduated by now, I'd still have issues with her and a desire to cut her off.
My mother felt like she failed as a mother and was very upset. My mother and father recognise wrongdoing, but it is mainly because me cutting off family caused distress. All my mother would think about is how she lost her son and it upset her.
Did a year of uni online, got the paper I missed in my time before.
Then in second year but not sure if I should be doing this because I cheated in the first. And in general I just feel like a total disaster and failure.
I'm 25 and experiences from high school and 15 years old still affect me. Trauma blows, man.
I feel a great deal of annoyance at myself. I repeatedly fought for opportunities, then spoiled them when I got them. I put no effort towards school or university, and often was very destructive and hurtful. I have justified reason to be angry at my parents, but when the pain softens, I'm left with a disappointment in myself. I screwed my life up. I got every opportunity I fought for and screwed it up.
I also know what needs to be done. I would need to come to terms with what has happened, accept it, accept I can't change. Accepting the past will be a daily challenge that gets easier over time. I will need to accept life will always be challenging and I will always be a bit neurotic — talking to myself, consistent ruminations on past experiences and people from my past, a slight degree of social awkwardness/strangeness — but regular challenges with neurosis would not make you uncommon. Understand while your parents fucked you over, they do support you know and corrected their wrongs - there are many parents who wouldn't be willing to.
I would need to start my Computer Science degree from scratch. Either admit to my university the situation, while willing to take any potential blowback or bad marks I get, or start over at another university. Do not spend time focusing on what you could or couldn't have done, but instead just rigorously and persistently focus on the task at hand.
It then raises the question of if I can be bothered starting a degree from scratch. To some degree, even if I know the answers to my problems, there is a big part of me that can't be bothered.
I haven't been able to study effectively and couldn't cope with full-time work, so that renders me useless in the world.
Anyway. It is late and I wanted to get my feelings out there.
I'm seeing a General Practitioner to talk about diagnosis. Hope it can help me understand myself and how to navigate the world better.
I changed schools. It was a better environment for me and it was a disaster but I kept resisting my mother's attempts to kick me out of school - because I believed leaving school means you failed at life. I kept conflicting with my parents and getting counsellors to intervene to speak for my interests.
I left school with no qualifications.
At 18, I was suicidal. My mother didn't believe me, went "boo-hoo you have it so tough" when I was on antidepressant withdrawals, refused to support me for medication, tried to push me to stop taking them without any medical assistance. A counsellor saw the situation getting out of hand and had to intervene.
I did one art course I didn't want to do. I was screamed at for asking to change.
Left that, did a university preparation course. My mother threatened to cancel this course on me - pretending she has any control over my life. I was very destructive and hurtful for others, I seeked out toxic sites for information on how to navigate life. Was hurtful, immature, lost a lot of friends. In one class, I was texting a support text number. The teacher didn't want me texting in class, took me out of the class to ask why I won't stop, I told her I was texting a counsellor about suicidal ideation, and she ended the class and took me to hospital.
I passed first semester of university preparation, then failed the second twice.
After that, 20 was the age anyone can go. My mother pushed me into another art degree I didn't want to do. I did a year of it confused, left after a year. I was being targeted online and it affected me more intensely than the average person. An ongoing repetitive obsession. People were falsely accusing me on crimes over Facebook. I would feel intense emotions and leave class early to go home, struggle to sleep. My counsellor got sick of me, dismissed my concerns, called me autistic. I later learned a counsellor isn't qualified to make an assessment like that and I believe this was a malpractice.
When I asked for a diagnosis after being called autistic, they referred me to a facility. The facility asked for my story, I told them, and they said "sorry, we only deal with serious situations." This means I never was able to find out who I am.
Started a degree I wanted to do at 21. Cheated my way through the year.
Then I got depressed and dropped out. Spent a year on the welfare, with intense trauma from my past experiences. Welfare recommended me to a supermarket job so I did that in 2019. I kept talking to myself, was very depressed, couldn't cope with it. Eventually they had to take me hospital because I was very suicidal and they could sense it. I did door to door sales for a few weeks then left. Being called autistic, I found depressing statistics around autism (unemployment, suicidal ideation, divorce, etc.) and it made me feel hopeless, I found incel forums which reinforced these feelings.
While I was on the welfare and working at the supermarket, I cut off contact with my mother. My sister thought I was blaming her and "not being an adult" but I disagree. My sister has gotten vicious over it. My sister is blindly ignoring clear wrongdoing. Even if I graduated by now, I'd still have issues with her and a desire to cut her off.
My mother felt like she failed as a mother and was very upset. My mother and father recognise wrongdoing, but it is mainly because me cutting off family caused distress. All my mother would think about is how she lost her son and it upset her.
Did a year of uni online, got the paper I missed in my time before.
Then in second year but not sure if I should be doing this because I cheated in the first. And in general I just feel like a total disaster and failure.
I'm 25 and experiences from high school and 15 years old still affect me. Trauma blows, man.
I feel a great deal of annoyance at myself. I repeatedly fought for opportunities, then spoiled them when I got them. I put no effort towards school or university, and often was very destructive and hurtful. I have justified reason to be angry at my parents, but when the pain softens, I'm left with a disappointment in myself. I screwed my life up. I got every opportunity I fought for and screwed it up.
I also know what needs to be done. I would need to come to terms with what has happened, accept it, accept I can't change. Accepting the past will be a daily challenge that gets easier over time. I will need to accept life will always be challenging and I will always be a bit neurotic — talking to myself, consistent ruminations on past experiences and people from my past, a slight degree of social awkwardness/strangeness — but regular challenges with neurosis would not make you uncommon. Understand while your parents fucked you over, they do support you know and corrected their wrongs - there are many parents who wouldn't be willing to.
I would need to start my Computer Science degree from scratch. Either admit to my university the situation, while willing to take any potential blowback or bad marks I get, or start over at another university. Do not spend time focusing on what you could or couldn't have done, but instead just rigorously and persistently focus on the task at hand.
It then raises the question of if I can be bothered starting a degree from scratch. To some degree, even if I know the answers to my problems, there is a big part of me that can't be bothered.
I haven't been able to study effectively and couldn't cope with full-time work, so that renders me useless in the world.
Anyway. It is late and I wanted to get my feelings out there.
I'm seeing a General Practitioner to talk about diagnosis. Hope it can help me understand myself and how to navigate the world better.
