Discussion I always hurt the ones who never hurt me.

[heraclitus23]

My mother was hurt when she found out about my alcoholism/addiction (I'm in recovery - at least she lived to see that). The first girl I ever really loved, I got drunk and pulled into a one-nght stand. My wife is hurt watching my being sad at missing so much, of throwing away so much by being with her. I had a close friend - the only person I've really been open and shared with - and let them down. Went a bit crazy, went to make a river-leap and lost courage: just cut them off, closed down all channels of communication. My mother is dead; the girl has her own life, a good one; my wife I act out some form of "good husband" normality. My friend? I'm scared to try to open channels again.

There is something inside of me which cannot help but hurt people, even though I try to treat everyone well, to support and succour them, to be a good person.

Is this a trait we all share, I wonder? We all have gifts, abilities which should enrich our lives and the lives of those around us but which just seem to poison our environment. Good people living unfortunate lives.

Then there's a feedback loop - I hurt someone, I want to hurt myself. Emotional self-abuse, self-harming. I've left bruises, bite marks, the pain is still insufficient.

All I want is a quiet, easy end. When I can, I'm going to a beach with cornbags: the night-night method, my eyes closing on the sea and horizon.

Thank you, all and everyone, for being here.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.
I've really hurt my father due to alcohol, becoming a NEET and wanting to ctb but now he's really happy because he knows I'm doing my best to keep on living.

However, it's not easy. I dunno how longer I'll be able to keep on "fighting" :(

Whatever happens, wish you the best!!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[heraclitus23]

I can relate.
I've really hurt my father due to alcohol, becoming a NEET and wanting to ctb but now he's really happy because he knows I'm doing my best to keep on living.

However, it's not easy. I dunno how longer I'll be able to keep on "fighting" :(

Whatever happens, wish you the best!!

Hugs,

Matt

Luckily my father died before I hit the skids - in some way, his death precipitated my fall. Every day is (in some way) a victory qnd I congratulate you - like you though, getting tired (too tired to see, feel like I'm knocking on Heaven's door.....);

Wishing you the best, a strong sobriety and long, fulfilling recovery.

 

[whywere]

HI fellow global family member. I know I have good AND bad traits and have done really good things and some NOT so good, also. We all ARE a complex biological set of atoms and no one is the same and even and even ourselves vary day to day. I have tried, I am 65 years young, to glean through my life what I have done that is not too great and try and modify my not only behavior BUT my outlook in general. Ok, so you have had some issues in your past, they are in your past, like it or not they can not be changed. Go forward, looking in the past ONLY for guidance in your future with your lovely wife and you. I used to beat myself up terribly and one day i can to the conclusion that I was beating myself up about things that I could never change. So i took guidance from my past and moved forward, knowing where some of my pitfalls were. YOU are a VERY kind, thoughtful and gentle soul, just look how you wrote your post. YOU WILL do great, and the global family is here to help YOU along the way to a better future.

ALSO, WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide our new global family member!!!!! Like my post to you right now, the global family is here to help you with love, care, empathy, understanding, kindness and SUPPORT! You are NEVER EVER alone now, you have all of us to help! Everyone here has been so nice and thoughtful and supportive to me and that is my wish for you! Again, WELCOME!! Walter ( yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony)

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's just the way we are as humans, we cannot stop causing pain to others even know we don't intend to. Self harm can be a physical release to stop our mental pain, even know it isn't good for us, it can help us cope. I find death to be a relief too, it is the end of this existence and all the pain. I wish you the best.

 

[spoiledapplepie]

I always think of that phrase 'hurt people hurt people' and it's such a painful thing, but it really is true. Sometimes you just get to a place where it's like your pain is just like some hurricane around you. I'm so sorry you're going through such pain and for what it's worth I hope things are able to get better. I think at the heart of it all you can really do is to try find ways to patch yourself up and focus on your turmoil.

 

[Pookie]

Is it perhaps a pre-emptive strike? (You hurt people first before they hurt you because you're scared of getting hurt yourself?) Could it be due to your self-hatred, that when people try to get close to you, you reject them because in a way you're protecting them from your hurtful actions?

It does seem you have a conscience and that you're sorry you've hurt these people.

 

[heraclitus23]

Is it perhaps a pre-emptive strike? (You hurt people first before they hurt you because you're scared of getting hurt yourself?) Could it be due to your self-hatred, that when people try to get close to you, you reject them because in a way you're protecting them from your hurtful actions?

It does seem you have a conscience and that you're sorry you've hurt these people.

You are so right. Also, there is a feeling of being unworthy - drive people away before they desert me. Sometimes the more I care the more of a bastard I am.

HI fellow global family member. I know I have good AND bad traits and have done really good things and some NOT so good, also. We all ARE a complex biological set of atoms and no one is the same and even and even ourselves vary day to day. I have tried, I am 65 years young, to glean through my life what I have done that is not too great and try and modify my not only behavior BUT my outlook in general. Ok, so you have had some issues in your past, they are in your past, like it or not they can not be changed. Go forward, looking in the past ONLY for guidance in your future with your lovely wife and you. I used to beat myself up terribly and one day i can to the conclusion that I was beating myself up about things that I could never change. So i took guidance from my past and moved forward, knowing where some of my pitfalls were. YOU are a VERY kind, thoughtful and gentle soul, just look how you wrote your post. YOU WILL do great, and the global family is here to help YOU along the way to a better future.

ALSO, WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide our new global family member!!!!! Like my post to you right now, the global family is here to help you with love, care, empathy, understanding, kindness and SUPPORT! You are NEVER EVER alone now, you have all of us to help! Everyone here has been so nice and thoughtful and supportive to me and that is my wish for you! Again, WELCOME!! Walter ( yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony)

Thank you Walter: I'm only a few years behind you. Wish we'd had this support when we were younger - drugs, alcohol............looking to fil the hole in the doughnut. Society and understanding / support is what we need.