Help I almost shot myself. But I couldn't do it!

[methylene blue]

I hope the "help" prefix is an appropriate tag for this, even though nobody can really help by pulling the trigger for me.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 months gathering my materials for CTB via firearms. I have put a lot of thought and careful strategy into doing this.

I've been to the range a couple times and have fired several rounds. Last night I went with the intention of taking the final shot to the head. I was in a safe place, and nothing really could have gone wrong in the situation. I shot at least 10 times just to be comfortable with the gun and become less afraid of it malfunctioning.

I got on my knees behind my car and held the gun, loaded, all I needed to do was aim through my mouth into the back of my head and pull the trigger.

But I was too terrified. It's one thing to be suicidal for 10 years, decide on this method and be all gung-ho about how suicide is my solution. I became so pro-suicide but in the end it just takes one thing - actually doing it. Was I afraid the gun would malfunction and I'd blow off my hand? Was I afraid that the bullet would not do sufficient damage to my brain, I would not die immediately and I would suffer there on the ground for god knows how many minutes in a splattered pool of blood? Probably.

But this is the best method I've got. There's never going to be a 100% or even 99% guarantee that it will cause instant death with no pain. But that doesn't matter. What I need is to stop fearing the risk. I'm so afraid of not dying immediately and experiencing tremendous suffering for a few minutes or even seconds.

Maybe forcing myself to do it by sending messages to people, texts or what not, saying that I'm about to CTB? Then I would have to do it in a panic that someone would be on their way to stop me. I don't want to have to do that. I just want to overcome the fear. Plenty of people have pulled the trigger.

I don't want to go on any longer, any thoughts?

 

[not.happy201]

Try taking some pills, like benzo anti-depressants or something (?) One of the users uses Zofran, to help overcome the fear of CTB. I'm sure it can all be done. I've heard of German soldiers being under the influence of hard drugs, when they were fighting in WW2, and it made them fearless.

In my opinion, you shouldn't do anything hasty, therefore contacting people before trying to harm yourself, is a not the best idea. If you call people and tell them everything, and then you decide to postpone your CTB, or if you will fail, then you might have to end up in an unpleasant situation where people will try to do unpleasant and forceful things to keep you alive, as everyone will worry that you will succeed at CTB in the future.

What are the chances of a good shooting range gun malfunctioning if it hasn't happened to you already? The chances are probably less than 1%. The chances of a malfunctioning gun while trying to take a single shot to your head, are probably so low, that you shouldn't worry about it.

I think that brain very rarely accepts the fact that suicide is right for you. A few days a go, I saw a video of woman hanging herself, and she was very determined and very calm. Believe it or not, but, when she was hanging in the air, she was trying to stop the suicide process, she tried to take the the rope off her neck, but she couldn't. Her survival instinct was automatically telling her to hold onto life. But, does it mean that she made a bad decision of killing herself, or does it mean that she had second thoughts about suicide? Nobody knows, except her. I say, she did the right thing, and she was brave.

It's up to you my friend.. For me, there are many different death scenarios that I would accept at any time and any day during this period of my life. You can wake me up in the middle of the night, and ask me if I want to sacrifice my life for a friend or a family member, or even a stranger, and I would agree to that, every single fricking time.

 

[Taki]

I envy your gun access. But as people here always say, when you're ready you do it. Maybe you didn't want to?

 

[TAW122]

What @not.happy201 said sums it up pretty well. I do want to add that your survival instinct is something that is hard to overcome and it is different for everyone, some people's SI is much greater than their actual courage, and vice versa. However, one thing is clear though. Sometimes there is no way to 100% overcome the SI, but given the right circumstances, you may be able to override it enough even just temporary, to get that perfect moment to just pull the trigger and then everything will end in a fraction of a second.

Also, the firearm is a method I would trust without fail, especially when I have the right weapon(s). A pistol with a 9mm hollowpoint is more than sufficient, a .357 magnum round from a revolver would be sufficient, and of course, 00 buckshot from a 12 gauge would more than be overkill (which is what I have). I would not worry too much about failing one shot from your weapon since the chances as so low that you have a greater chance of getting into a car accident than the weapon malfunctioning.

 

[dmsdnd18]

Two people that i know that shot themselves were both in highly emotional states and had been drunk. Of those, one i know for a fact had not been actively planning but rather acted impulsively.

I think the planning gives in to the anxiety of going through with it. I know it would be easier for me to ctb on impulse versus overthinking everything. But of course, that could lead to misshaps. Drinking or taking something else may help ease the fear though

 

[Wayfaerer]

I can safely say that if you bought the gun and ammo at a brick-and-mortar store then the chances of it blowing up in your hands is a flat 0%.

 

[methylene blue]

What @not.happy201 said sums it up pretty well. I do want to add that your survival instinct is something that is hard to overcome and it is different for everyone, some people's SI is much greater than their actual courage, and vice versa. However, one thing is clear though. Sometimes there is no way to 100% overcome the SI, but given the right circumstances, you may be able to override it enough even just temporary, to get that perfect moment to just pull the trigger and then everything will end in a fraction of a second.

Also, the firearm is a method I would trust without fail, especially when I have the right weapon(s). A pistol with a 9mm hollowpoint is more than sufficient, a .357 magnum round from a revolver would be sufficient, and of course, 00 buckshot from a 12 gauge would more than be overkill (which is what I have). I would not worry too much about failing one shot from your weapon since the chances as so low that you have a greater chance of getting into a car accident than the weapon malfunctioning.

CVA Wolf Muzzleloader https://www.muzzle-loaders.com/cva-wolftm-stainless-pr2110s.html

with 2 IMR white hot pellets, a 209A primer,
and Barnes T-EZ 50cal 250grain sabots (copper, CA legal) https://www.muzzle-loaders.com/bullets/barnes-tez-bullets-250-grain.html
for bullets.

Sound surefire? Will my equipment suffice?

I know it's been 2 months since this post but I didn't read through many of the replies. From Dec 17, 2019 until now I've been in a methamphetamine relapse, and I've started recovery, have a week clean, but still have this SI going through my head which prevented me from going through with this CTB method. I would have gone for the Maverick 12 Gauge with the 00 slugs but I didn't want to risk failing the background test.