Venting I almost died in a car accident yesterday, and I wish I did

[cececinderella]

Recently, I feel like the universe has been kind of giving me things and taking them away from me or just trying to mess with me in lots of ways. Most recent one is almost dying in a head-on collision. I had recently gotten my permit after putting it off for so long, and I was sitting with my mom in the car driving through a canyon with lots of blind spots and such. This Corvette comes speeding through on a blind corner at around 60 MPH/96 KMH, and yes, I almost died as it almost hit me head-on. My mom was at the wheel and got into a turnout just in the nick of time. A few seconds earlier, and I would not be here right now. I thought we would either fly off the road and into the river below from turning out, or we would be killed instantly. I was so shocked at it all, it happened so fast. I think this is the only time my life has literally flashed before my eyes. The only thing I could think about in that moment of silence was "Am I still alive or did I just instantly move onto the next plane of existence?" My mom started crying, freaking out, all of it. As she was asking me if I was okay, I started thinking that I wish it happened. I didn't want anything to happen to my poor mom, but I wish we got hit and only I passed, and by some miracle, my mom came out unharmed.
I ended up telling my boyfriend about this, and he was horrified. He knows I'm suicidal, as I've talked to him about it. He kept on telling me he was so relieved I was alive and that he wouldn't know what to do with himself if I died. But the only thing I wish now is that I died instantly. Life has been so hard lately. I'm preparing for mine and my little brother's graduations, to move away, go to college, etc etc. I'm overwhelmed with stress. I haven't relapsed with self harm in a long time, but I want to because I don't know how else to cope. I haven't attempted to CTB in a long time either. I'm scared to do anything related to dying, but it's all I think about anymore. I'm scared of hurting my boyfriend and family, coming off as a coward for choosing to CTB, my death being responsible for my boyfriend's hypothetical death. What I'm scared of the most is being "wasted potential" to people, whether it's for my academics or appearance or whatever.
All I wish for is that I die in some way. Life is too hard for me, and while I've just "toughed it out" for a while, it's becoming too difficult for me now. I feel like I'm only allowed to be happy if my happiness is from a distance. It feels like everything is given to me only to be taken away the second I get used to it. I wish I was 14 again and didn't realize how rough the road ahead was going to be. Anything but this.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry to hear about how you were not lucky enough to pass away like that~ :( *huggies~* I'm sure many others here including myself certainly would've wanted to as well~ >_< And I'm sorry that you're dreading college so much~ :( I did too! :( I wish I could say something nice about it, but well, I knew it'd be awful, and it was~ >_< I'd still your best to try and make it as enjoyable as you can tho~ :) in spite of all the pain involved there too~ :( it is nice that you do have a boyfriend to support you through it all tho~ :) and for the things that he and your other irl's may not be able to properly handle talking about like sewer slide, then you can come to talk to us here~ :) Welcome btw! hehe~ :)
hehe~ same on the 14 part tho~ >_< My life was much better then too and just got continually worse and worse! D:

 

[DivineSpark]

I was almost driven over by car because of stupidity and recklessness.