Bunni'sLullaby
iterum occurremus ultra saturni circulis
- Dec 3, 2023
- 33
My husband committed CBT a few months ago. I have struggled with my own mental health for over a decade; this has only exacerbated it. I have considered for months about how I don't want to be alive anymore. I have notes on my phone of means, method, where, how, etc. Because I can't bring myself to do it yet, I've been relapsing via self-harm, as childish as it feels. I dreamed about him again. It felt so real; he felt so real. I could feel the heat of his skin; I could hear his voice. I wrapped my arms around him, felt my face in the small place that resided between his shoulder and his neck. Oh my, the beauty in those freckles that rested on his shoulder blade; the ones that perfectly resembled the Big Dipper constellation during the spring; the same constellation that uncannily occurred during the astronomical Spring--during his birth month. I don't remember the last time I felt so happy, so content--so okay. Any more, I feel either empty and entirely disconnected from what has happened or I feel so overcome by grief that I'm not sure how I am supposed to go on.
I've been trying to find reasons to hold on: family, his sister, my doctoral dissertation. But, everything feel meaningless. As a 5'1, 104lb female, I've been trying to be considerate of my physical physique, if I did get to a point I seriously made efforts toward doing anything. I've been stalking the threads on SS for weeks now.
My first idea is driving off somewhere. There's a secluded park near my home; at night, no-one would be there. I considered covering all the windows, laying in the backseat of my car, placing a note in the window to call 911/I have goodbye notes in a specific drawer and using a .357 with JHP. Of course, a .357 is more powerful, with more recoil, and it can be difficult to shoot one-handed; so, despite how much I hate guns (especially after my husband's death), I know it can be helpful to look at practicing at a gun range). I've been told how a LCR .38 special +P uses less powder, is lighter, and has less recoil than a .357 but has a similar degree of power (aka could do the job). I'm sure by the time I fired, recoil wouldn't be an issue; however, I wouldn't want to f*** up. I also read not to use a snub. My husband CBT'd via firearm. I found him. I can never forget it; the way he looked, smelt, felt. Never. So, I haven't been able to bring myself to the idea of placing the gun in my mouth (though I've read that's the best way). Never aim under the chin. With this, I've noted that you want to place it behind the ear (or through; in a way that can directly hit the brainstem (as I want this to be as instant as possible; my husband shot above both ears with a federal round, and all I am terrified of is that he just laid there until he passed; though, if he did just lay there; I feel I deserve the same fate). I don't want it to be a complete disaster for my family afterwards (though none but my sister-in-law is nearby). I've looked into how big of a hole an .357 or .38 would leave. I can understand how being under the influence could become so easily a part of the choice to do what he did. He had been drinking when he made the choice to leave. I'm tired of coming home alone; he has become intertwined in everything I think about and everything I see.
I have also read that carbon monoxide is less damaging, less painful, but can potentially take a little while or can cause some potentially distressing symptoms via loss of oxygen over time, which could possibly be countered by sleeping medications. Since this requires a sealed space and may take a few hours, I would need to either entirely seal off my small home (w/ a planned note for neighbors to notify police) or to go out in the woods (where I know I wouldn't be disturbed). I have notes as to how do this, but I'm worried I wouldn't get it right and I would screw it up (though my worry also lies around SI, anyways).
I have also liked the idea of SN as it is painless and not really too distressing. Though, I know it will require a little time, too. I read not to drink alcohol (to reduce risk of vomiting) and to use things that help numb your mouth/throat (primarily due to the taste). The biggest thing is not to vomit; to fast ahead of time; don't drink anything. I know this method also requires a lot of timing; however, you won't have to worry about much if you do it right or lose consciousness. If I screw it up, the effects could be reversible as so I/people around me won't be screwed afterwards. While this has become my more preferred method (as for loved ones and lack of potential pain), gaining access to everything you need is a major issue. But, I would like to figure out a way to do so before it risks becoming illegal (U.S. location).
Advice?
I've been trying to find reasons to hold on: family, his sister, my doctoral dissertation. But, everything feel meaningless. As a 5'1, 104lb female, I've been trying to be considerate of my physical physique, if I did get to a point I seriously made efforts toward doing anything. I've been stalking the threads on SS for weeks now.
My first idea is driving off somewhere. There's a secluded park near my home; at night, no-one would be there. I considered covering all the windows, laying in the backseat of my car, placing a note in the window to call 911/I have goodbye notes in a specific drawer and using a .357 with JHP. Of course, a .357 is more powerful, with more recoil, and it can be difficult to shoot one-handed; so, despite how much I hate guns (especially after my husband's death), I know it can be helpful to look at practicing at a gun range). I've been told how a LCR .38 special +P uses less powder, is lighter, and has less recoil than a .357 but has a similar degree of power (aka could do the job). I'm sure by the time I fired, recoil wouldn't be an issue; however, I wouldn't want to f*** up. I also read not to use a snub. My husband CBT'd via firearm. I found him. I can never forget it; the way he looked, smelt, felt. Never. So, I haven't been able to bring myself to the idea of placing the gun in my mouth (though I've read that's the best way). Never aim under the chin. With this, I've noted that you want to place it behind the ear (or through; in a way that can directly hit the brainstem (as I want this to be as instant as possible; my husband shot above both ears with a federal round, and all I am terrified of is that he just laid there until he passed; though, if he did just lay there; I feel I deserve the same fate). I don't want it to be a complete disaster for my family afterwards (though none but my sister-in-law is nearby). I've looked into how big of a hole an .357 or .38 would leave. I can understand how being under the influence could become so easily a part of the choice to do what he did. He had been drinking when he made the choice to leave. I'm tired of coming home alone; he has become intertwined in everything I think about and everything I see.
I have also read that carbon monoxide is less damaging, less painful, but can potentially take a little while or can cause some potentially distressing symptoms via loss of oxygen over time, which could possibly be countered by sleeping medications. Since this requires a sealed space and may take a few hours, I would need to either entirely seal off my small home (w/ a planned note for neighbors to notify police) or to go out in the woods (where I know I wouldn't be disturbed). I have notes as to how do this, but I'm worried I wouldn't get it right and I would screw it up (though my worry also lies around SI, anyways).
I have also liked the idea of SN as it is painless and not really too distressing. Though, I know it will require a little time, too. I read not to drink alcohol (to reduce risk of vomiting) and to use things that help numb your mouth/throat (primarily due to the taste). The biggest thing is not to vomit; to fast ahead of time; don't drink anything. I know this method also requires a lot of timing; however, you won't have to worry about much if you do it right or lose consciousness. If I screw it up, the effects could be reversible as so I/people around me won't be screwed afterwards. While this has become my more preferred method (as for loved ones and lack of potential pain), gaining access to everything you need is a major issue. But, I would like to figure out a way to do so before it risks becoming illegal (U.S. location).
Advice?
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where gun laws are more Liberal. Instead I'm in the uk
