Venting Hurts more then the usual tonight

[Raskolnikov's Axe]

The numb feeling of greyish pain is almost always present, however tonight it actually hurts. My chest is burning and I am straining to cry, unfortunately I cannot.

This is plain cruel. My Mind has a habit of replaying every painful memory over and over again when I'm in pain. It's like it's shaming me. I honestly don't know are people who proclaim to be close to me stupid or liars. Does nobody see that the only thing I can do to help myself is to stop living.

Every one of these memories is one of failure, rejection. I wonder, if someone knew how I feel most of the time would they still consider suicide wrong. I just failed. Im a failed experiment and it's cruel to keep me alive. Arguably the worst of the features inbuilt in my body is the fact that I refuse to die. I don't fear death but screwing it up and losing bodily autonomy.

I realize that none of what I'm writing makes sense but I'm just doing it to try and stop the pain. I tried to indulge myself with my usual time wasters. Nothing helps tonight. I am aware of myself in all my failure.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry to hear all of that, I can relate in numerous ways. You are Not alone, even though it may feel like it.

Everything you said makes perfect sense to me, Thank you for sharing. Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen, ♥

 

[SeeminglyFine]

One thing that helped me when i experience intense tightnese in my chest and the inability to cry is something called bioenergetic meditation/grounding by elliott hulse, feels awakward but cathartic

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be torture feeling trapped here and it must be really tiring what you have to endure. Those who view suicide as being 'wrong' are insane to me, as it could never be. None of us should feel forced to stay here and have to exist for a second longer than we wish to, but of course actually leaving this world can certainly be something that is very difficult unfortunately. If only the option was there to just choose to never wake again then that would be ideal.