I have been contemplating and setting dates for ctb. I have my means (sn). But i keep on thinking about the pain i will give to my family. They don’t deserve it, but it is too painful for me to stay. And especially having been through all this shit i would never wish it upon anyone, let alone my own family. I am in such a dilemma this shit sucks.
torimandy
Fear is the mind killer
- Aug 3, 2020
- 146
Nimbus
Hanging on is hard
- Dec 2, 2019
- 211
I absolutely understand this dilemma. I have been mulling it over for more than a year now. I know I'm not going to get better and will just deteriorate further. Despite having people who love me, I can't bear to see them pour their resources into supporting me and trying to "help" me when it would be for nothing. Even the doctors don't know how to help me anymore. It breaks my heart to know how much I'll hurt my beloved family. But I keep reminding myself that it's the best thing for all of us, all things considered.
Either way it's still incredibly hard. Emotions fight the logical choice I must make.
mlmc045
Member
- Dec 6, 2020
- 87
Firstly, I’m sorry life is treating you terribly. I really hope you find your peace
I really struggle with this too.
At the end of the day, you cannot live just to appease the people around you. You have to choose to live for yourself, and I believe living for any other reason will not bring you contentment. You have to decide if that’s a life you’re willing to live.
My family cannot wrap their heads around the fact I want to die and I know it hurts them. There are times I have resented my parents for bringing me into the world, for forcing me to stay alive for them. I wish they would let me go, but I can’t even express that I’m having suicidal thoughts without being guilt tripped. I know they want to help, but they can’t. I’ve struggled with the idea that I’m selfish, and also that they’re selfish. I feel like it’s unfair of them to force me to live an existence I never asked for in the first place. Ultimately, we’re all going to die eventually anyway, may as well save ourselves the pain of enduring life for many more years.
After my first attempt (which was after many years of being suicidal anyway because I didn’t want to hurt my family) my mum said if I kill myself, she won’t survive. The aftermath of the first attempt was so heartbreaking, it ironically made me even more suicidal. It took me SO long in the first place to come to terms with going through with it the first time, and I felt SO guilty after failing and seeing the pain it brought that I thought I wouldn’t ever try again. However, I did find reassurance in seeing that my family are resilient, as they have been through various life events. Time heals, unless you’re constantly living in torment.
That was at the start of this year and over time, my suicidality has gone up and down. I almost attempted again recently (with a more full-proof plan) but I was disrupted that evening by a friend, who didn’t know what I was planning to do. It made me put my plans on hold for a bit, and now I’m not sure when I’ll go through with it. I don’t really want to ruin the holidays, so probably early in the New Year. While I love my family, I do still plan to go through with CTB.
In terms of dealing with the issue of causing family/friends pain, I found peace in writing my goodbye notes, hoping they would bring some level of comfort to my loved ones. Or at least help them understand, even if they couldn’t while I was alive. I deserve understanding. I knew the notes probably wouldn’t help, so I asked them to forgive me (in writing - they had no idea I was preparing to try again). I told them it was nobody’s fault and explained that battling my mind was not a fight I could win, no matter how hard I tried, and the pain was too unbearable.
I bought goodbye presents, and a few months ago, I was gifted a kitten that surprisingly my whole family adore, so I think she’ll bring them comfort in my absence. I can’t expect them to not grieve, but I hope they feel better knowing I’m finally at peace and not constantly hurting.
While losing a loved one is painful, that pain doesn’t last forever usually. It gets easier with time and my family cannot relate to being suicidal. They love life and think/feel very differently to the way I do. I’m sure they’ll continue enjoying life after I’m gone, even if it stings a bit initially.
Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea. I’m not sure if that helped at all with your dilemma, I’m sorry if it didn’t. Feel free to message if you ever want someone to listen❤️
I really struggle with this too.
At the end of the day, you cannot live just to appease the people around you. You have to choose to live for yourself, and I believe living for any other reason will not bring you contentment. You have to decide if that’s a life you’re willing to live.
My family cannot wrap their heads around the fact I want to die and I know it hurts them. There are times I have resented my parents for bringing me into the world, for forcing me to stay alive for them. I wish they would let me go, but I can’t even express that I’m having suicidal thoughts without being guilt tripped. I know they want to help, but they can’t. I’ve struggled with the idea that I’m selfish, and also that they’re selfish. I feel like it’s unfair of them to force me to live an existence I never asked for in the first place. Ultimately, we’re all going to die eventually anyway, may as well save ourselves the pain of enduring life for many more years.
After my first attempt (which was after many years of being suicidal anyway because I didn’t want to hurt my family) my mum said if I kill myself, she won’t survive. The aftermath of the first attempt was so heartbreaking, it ironically made me even more suicidal. It took me SO long in the first place to come to terms with going through with it the first time, and I felt SO guilty after failing and seeing the pain it brought that I thought I wouldn’t ever try again. However, I did find reassurance in seeing that my family are resilient, as they have been through various life events. Time heals, unless you’re constantly living in torment.
That was at the start of this year and over time, my suicidality has gone up and down. I almost attempted again recently (with a more full-proof plan) but I was disrupted that evening by a friend, who didn’t know what I was planning to do. It made me put my plans on hold for a bit, and now I’m not sure when I’ll go through with it. I don’t really want to ruin the holidays, so probably early in the New Year. While I love my family, I do still plan to go through with CTB.
In terms of dealing with the issue of causing family/friends pain, I found peace in writing my goodbye notes, hoping they would bring some level of comfort to my loved ones. Or at least help them understand, even if they couldn’t while I was alive. I deserve understanding. I knew the notes probably wouldn’t help, so I asked them to forgive me (in writing - they had no idea I was preparing to try again). I told them it was nobody’s fault and explained that battling my mind was not a fight I could win, no matter how hard I tried, and the pain was too unbearable.
I bought goodbye presents, and a few months ago, I was gifted a kitten that surprisingly my whole family adore, so I think she’ll bring them comfort in my absence. I can’t expect them to not grieve, but I hope they feel better knowing I’m finally at peace and not constantly hurting.
While losing a loved one is painful, that pain doesn’t last forever usually. It gets easier with time and my family cannot relate to being suicidal. They love life and think/feel very differently to the way I do. I’m sure they’ll continue enjoying life after I’m gone, even if it stings a bit initially.
Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea. I’m not sure if that helped at all with your dilemma, I’m sorry if it didn’t. Feel free to message if you ever want someone to listen❤️
Woah. This felt really heartfelt. You are so good with words. Pity life brought you to this. You seem like a very considerate person, i really hope you find peace.
I think everyone of us felt that. This is so true,very well said.
It’s not about them being able to help me, it’s about me killing myself hurting them.
For the record, they would help me if they could but They can’t help me and from what it looks like, no one else can either.
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This is well stated. If the family is unwilling or unable to help, then it is unfair for them to expect you to overcome the difficulty and live. In many cases, the family is willing but unable. That leaves you with the decision.
An example demonstrating that my family is unwilling to help: I recently took myself to the inpatient unit because I wanted to have intensive monitoring by a psychiatrist for several days, to assure myself that I'd tried various angles before CTB. The staff at the hospital said that I needed for a family member to pick me up so that I could leave at the end of my stay. All family members refused to help, because to help was inconvenient to them. I extend this to mean that my mental health issues are inconvenient to them—well, the issues are certainly much more inconvenient to me, so I get to choose whether to endure them further. So the family may be sad for a bit after I die, but the cost to me would be greater if I lived. (A friend eventually picked me up.)
mlmc045
Member
- Dec 6, 2020
- 87
That’s very sweet of you, I feel like I just have a lot to say and this is the first ‘safe space’ I’ve found. It’s really hard choosing between the pain you feel and the pain you will bring. Sorry we meet under these circumstances, sending love and light❤️
I think about this often too. They don't deserve it, they deserve peace.
But don't I as well?
But don't I as well?
Meditation guide
Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 4,978
I think leaving a note explaining that the depression was so unbearable you couldn't stand it and this is what you wanted is all you can do.