Venting hurt you again (venting)

[colorlesshue]

tw // mentions of self harm , s/a , obsessive love, and just nililism?? idk if thats the word but
am i aromantic or am i incapable of feeling loved or loving correctly? i try so hard but everything makes me angry and it hurt when you said you felt like you were walking on eggshells around me when thats exactly how we make eachother feel, i love you and im dying when you die and i'm trying so hard to be a better girl for you and to be your girl but its so fucking hard when everything makes me feel like i want to cry and puke and vomit and rip myself open and grab a razor and tear so far into my thigh i can't even feel the wound anymore oh to be a deadman dumped in the side of a freeway never to be found by police until your idendity has already been gone and forgotten. i wish my rapist had ruined me and left me dead on the side of some road so i wouldn't have to hear you cry on a phonecall i wish he had ripped my vocal cords out and took them with my childhood so i wouldn't say such nasty things i love you to death and beyond and it hurts you'll never realize that i feel like this. it's not and never will be your fault im so unfixable with a short fuse and if i just had followed the plan i would be nice and dead and you wouldn't be hurt and crying over me.
i hope if i don't die by suicide i die at your hand, i hope you'll strange and kiss me and i could finally feel at peace knowing you'd be joining me shortly. it's fantasy and unrealistic but i want to die with you, but i want you to be happy when im gone and it's simply me being selfish. sometimes i wish you'd dump me or scream and batter me so i'd have a reason to kill myself
im so selfish it hurts i hate being so pitiful.

 

[TheRottingContinues]

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you've been raped. It must be really difficult to try and enjoy things after that.
Second of all, no reason of wanting to die is a "dumb" reason. Especially when it comes to your own personal feelings and thoughts. If some event or aspect of your life is enough to make you want to die, it's totally acceptable.
Third of all, you are not incapable of feeling love, receiving love, reciprocating that love, or any of that. There is no "correct" way to love another person or be loved. Love is such a complicated emotion, being so wonderful and painful at the same time, and nobody has totally figured it out. However, if you feel that you are truly aromantic, then there isn't anything wrong with that, either.
Fourth of all, I promise you that being totally open about how you feel will significantly improve your relationships. Each side has to totally understand and effectively communicate with each other. If there is no true communication, then there can't be growth.
In all honesty, reading your rant has personally helped me understand so much. I hope that you achieve whatever you want to, whether that be enjoying life or CTB.