nevergoodenough91
Really trying to discover what is going on
- Jun 20, 2023
- 61
When I say you im talking about my own experience of reality, dont get pissed at me for telling you what anything is. Saying you is just how I speak. Im only expressing myself. If you have a real response I appreciate that. You dont have to say a word if you dont want to. My word, as I have come to know over the years means NOTHING to other people. So it should have no effect on you. Im just a fool. As useless as a piece of trash that wont decompose for thousands of years. I am a ghost to practically everyone I meet. So treat my opinion and expereinces as such.
Ive been given the worst gift I could ever ask for in being autistic. It gives you the ability to possibly achieve anything you want in relation to a skill or technical understanding. I can figure out anything if I have enough time, but I cannot control what I work on because its all motivated by my interests. Which I do not choose. Just like everything else in life it is given to you, and all you can do is observe. Trying to interfere with events may or may not work but your genetically informed solutions combined with little tactics you have picked up can only reach so far. Because of my autism, a great problem has come to me that I have no idea if ill ever overcome it. All solutions to it are all plastic, surface level, fake, and masquerading as the true cure to this issue. This issue being that who fucking cares if I can have any skill. Meaning lies in the interactions between human beings. All of mine fail fail fail fail fail over and over. Im not going to be specific about it, you should understand the hyperbole. I cant make sense of any form of human communication other than speech itself. Everything is made to be technically interpreted not intuitivley understood. I absolutley hate it because this leads me to be repeatedly stabbed by an enemy I cannot identify.
This issue is met with the solutions of "learn social skills", "try to copy these things other people do" "just do this and that". All of that is complete nonsense because that is all glorified masking. For normal people who are not autistic, social interactions are as natural as walking, eating and sleeping. You can teach people to swim but they will never be fish. Thats the situation im in with this.
Trying to appear normal with my current ability to mask already exhausts me to a degree where I cannot sustainably have social interactions with people other than living a hermit esque life. Its possible to live in that way, but does a prisoner truly live? I dont care if the wind of my interests take me into the direction of the ultimate material success, it means nothing. Wealth many years ago as a king means nothing compared to the average citizen today. In the future everyone could be living in what today is seen as ultimate wealth. Skills are so fun wow ive learned so many over and over again im definitnley not completley bored of the process or anything. You die in a certain amount of years, who cares what you accumulate, who cares about the perfect moment if its only for a small instant. Who cares if its all deviod of all nourishing meaning. How much does a rock floating in space mean to you?
Humans dont care how much you explain yourself to them, they dont care about any small possibility or give mercy for those who are different. (apart from a small few who I greatly appreaciate) they all judge based on thier own benchmark of standards and if you dont meet that, you are met with the harshest of thier judgement avalible to them in that moment. Its just the natural way of things. Lions and tigers are brutal predators. I wish I could adapt to have actual normal facial and bodily expressions, and be able to understand other peoples. I wish I could communicate with other people without them hating me and looking at me as if I am some sort of sick and diseased human, unlike everyone else. I wonder if this is at all possible. I hate how alien I am, how wrong I am, how disturbing I am, how maladaptive I am.
I know peace and I can have it, but its extremely boring and unsatisfying to me because a fire rages within me of greif, feelings of being cheated and wronged, unfulfilled, robbed, like my heart has a hole in it that someone else ripped out. I feel like I am owed a normal social expereince and harmony with other people. I am as nice as possible, never lie, always keep others secrets, always there to listen and solve others problems. I feel like I am owed this completley other dimension of social expereince and life that I am locked out of. I feel like someone took this away from me, and the negative social interactions and experiences I have are just a reflection of them taunting at me and laughing. Especially when people realize how bad I really am at being social and then proceed to infantalize me.
Is this a foolish desire born of pain?
Ive been given the worst gift I could ever ask for in being autistic. It gives you the ability to possibly achieve anything you want in relation to a skill or technical understanding. I can figure out anything if I have enough time, but I cannot control what I work on because its all motivated by my interests. Which I do not choose. Just like everything else in life it is given to you, and all you can do is observe. Trying to interfere with events may or may not work but your genetically informed solutions combined with little tactics you have picked up can only reach so far. Because of my autism, a great problem has come to me that I have no idea if ill ever overcome it. All solutions to it are all plastic, surface level, fake, and masquerading as the true cure to this issue. This issue being that who fucking cares if I can have any skill. Meaning lies in the interactions between human beings. All of mine fail fail fail fail fail over and over. Im not going to be specific about it, you should understand the hyperbole. I cant make sense of any form of human communication other than speech itself. Everything is made to be technically interpreted not intuitivley understood. I absolutley hate it because this leads me to be repeatedly stabbed by an enemy I cannot identify.
This issue is met with the solutions of "learn social skills", "try to copy these things other people do" "just do this and that". All of that is complete nonsense because that is all glorified masking. For normal people who are not autistic, social interactions are as natural as walking, eating and sleeping. You can teach people to swim but they will never be fish. Thats the situation im in with this.
Trying to appear normal with my current ability to mask already exhausts me to a degree where I cannot sustainably have social interactions with people other than living a hermit esque life. Its possible to live in that way, but does a prisoner truly live? I dont care if the wind of my interests take me into the direction of the ultimate material success, it means nothing. Wealth many years ago as a king means nothing compared to the average citizen today. In the future everyone could be living in what today is seen as ultimate wealth. Skills are so fun wow ive learned so many over and over again im definitnley not completley bored of the process or anything. You die in a certain amount of years, who cares what you accumulate, who cares about the perfect moment if its only for a small instant. Who cares if its all deviod of all nourishing meaning. How much does a rock floating in space mean to you?
Humans dont care how much you explain yourself to them, they dont care about any small possibility or give mercy for those who are different. (apart from a small few who I greatly appreaciate) they all judge based on thier own benchmark of standards and if you dont meet that, you are met with the harshest of thier judgement avalible to them in that moment. Its just the natural way of things. Lions and tigers are brutal predators. I wish I could adapt to have actual normal facial and bodily expressions, and be able to understand other peoples. I wish I could communicate with other people without them hating me and looking at me as if I am some sort of sick and diseased human, unlike everyone else. I wonder if this is at all possible. I hate how alien I am, how wrong I am, how disturbing I am, how maladaptive I am.
I know peace and I can have it, but its extremely boring and unsatisfying to me because a fire rages within me of greif, feelings of being cheated and wronged, unfulfilled, robbed, like my heart has a hole in it that someone else ripped out. I feel like I am owed a normal social expereince and harmony with other people. I am as nice as possible, never lie, always keep others secrets, always there to listen and solve others problems. I feel like I am owed this completley other dimension of social expereince and life that I am locked out of. I feel like someone took this away from me, and the negative social interactions and experiences I have are just a reflection of them taunting at me and laughing. Especially when people realize how bad I really am at being social and then proceed to infantalize me.
Is this a foolish desire born of pain?
