Huge backslide on my recovery journey. I regret not killing myself

[justkenisfine]

I'm having a big relapse right now and I just want everything to be over. I've been in venlafaxine for a while which is my third antidepressant and it was finally something that *worked*. I've been in therapy off and on for years now and I'm feeling comfortable with my therapist after all that time. I'm queer and have for the first time ever other queer friends who love and support me everything was going so fucking well but it's just over now. The magic of all of that is over and I still feel the same way I've felt since I was a teenager.

A few months back I had the opportunity to overdose on a massive amount of medicine I was hoarding but I was too stupid and too much of a pussy to actually do it. A faculty member of my university found out about my suicide plan and was calling me every day to get rid of the pills. I remember dissolving them in a coke bottle in the dorm shower rooms and thinking "if I drank this instead of flushing it this would all be over" but I didn't and now I feel like an idiot. A few months after that I had finally reached my date and I had all of the materials to gas myself in my car but I still couldn't bring myself to do it and ended up voluntarily committing myself which ended up being a huge mistake.

Now it's summer break from college and I'm back at my parents house and I can't take it anymore. It's only a month in but I just can't do this. I have everything I could want, a loving family, good friends, a partner, a job, all of it but every fucking day I come home from work and spend the rest of the day thinking of ctb. Why can't I enjoy anything in my life? Why was I put on this Earth, born into such amazing circumstances, stumbled ass backwards into everything I could ever dream of and still don't feel even an ounce of happiness. The spark is just completely gone now and I can't get it back. I can't wait to end things I'm so fucking tired of this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that overdosing is the most reliable method anyway, but of course it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free from it all and I get why you'd regret still being here, existing really is so dreadful and tiring, I understand that it's awful when existing just gets worse. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[LittleJem]

OP are you on the max dose of venlaflaxine? My friend is on the max dose. She does have a bigger will to live than me.

My opinion/experience is that only a working medication can make things better. It's really hard and really crappy.

Another med/a higher dose might buy you more time.

 

[Regen]

Do you feel more depressive since you are back in your familys house? I needed several years to realize that beeing in contact to my family makes me very depressive.

Having a backslide in your recovery does not mean you are not in the right way and it does not mean you cant get better in future. Take a rest and then go forward.

 

[MrDarkness]

If your thinking it about it every day, and can't follow through, I'm the same, but maybe I can't do it is due to have some reason to be here, think about your partner. Why would they do without you, I understand it's your choice, best of luck