How would your suicide affect others in your life?

[dogemn]

Do you somtimes worry how it will affect them?

 

[90starve]

Do you somtimes worry how it will affect them?

i do worry - i know my dad will be devastated, and that saddens me. i know that he will have to handle all my affairs, like selling my house and arranging my funeral.

in life i hate to think about this, but ultimately in death i know that it won't matter to me.

 

[SexyIncél]

It'll fuck 'em up. So they'd better treat me really fucking well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And I try making it easy. Ideally far easier than treating me unkindly

 

[crimsonpool]

my mom would probably copy me everyone else in my family would probably get over it but i dont particularly care that much really..might make my friends sad which is unfortunate but they'll probably get over it too. im not a very loved person so i dont really think about it much

 

[Tikialia]

I started off not worrying about their reactions at all but the closer I am to buying the resources for ctb the worse the guilt becomes. Then I begin imagining their faces, especially my mom finding my body... and yet that still doesn't stop me from continuing all my destructive tendencies. I'm hoping that I reach a point where I don't have to care anymore. Maybe there's still a chance to get better in my case '^^

 

[nomennescio]

my mom would probably copy me everyone else in my family would probably get over it but i dont particularly care that much really..might make my friends sad which is unfortunate but they'll probably get over it too. im not a very loved person so i dont really think about it much

Why do you think your mom would copy you? Because she will be that devastated?

 

[isthisit?]

My parents would get over it. I'll leave a message to let them know not to worry and to get over it as soon as possible.

 

[Jolene79]

My daughter is only 7, and she's not yet fully aware of how the neighborhood families / schoolmates are starting to exclude her from activities because of her 'creepy' and 'sad' Dad. The other parents don't want their kids around me, so I let me golden retriever wife manage the social stuff. It's just a matter of time before my daughter makes the connection and realizes that I am an embarrassment.

Can't get past the realization that children deserve better than growing up with a defective parent. At what point are we doing them a disservice by dragging this out?

Had I taken my life years ago, she wouldn't have even remembered me. My wife would have moved on, and would probably be with a real partner that has dreams and ambitions. Instead, I'm posting on a suicide forum on a Saturday morning while my little girl is playing Roblox and my wife is trying to find fun things to do.

My wife gave me a bowl of fruit for breakfast "to make sure that you live longer". I burst out into involuntary laughter. Then I made sure that she could log into my Discover and bank accounts. Literally trying to set her up for a life without me, and she's giving me...grapes.

I have 07/04 off from work, and she's teaching at a summer camp with my daughter on that day. Would seem like the perfect time to do it.

I just read in another post that you are Autistic. I can't believe how tough life can be for so many ND people. It isn't right or fair.
Do you think your wife knows you are so low and planning this.
I imagine it's the least of your worries but other kids' parents are dicks. It is a given across the board All parents are also embarrassing come a particular point. I bet you are a million times more interesting, with greater intelligence and depth than half of them in your neighborhood.
I really hope you find a way to get through with less suffering in your life. ( I'm atheist but like that emoji)

 

[lawlietsph]

Well nobody loves me so it wouldn't really matter. Maybe it will cause some sadness for a while but honestly they never liked who I am, so... I think they'll be sad for some time but then they'll feel a MASSIVE relief. The truth is I am just a waste of space and money to them. In my 27 years I only caused trouble by existing. They can't stand my """negativity""", I know they are even annoyed with my voice or the way I do things. They would be so much better off without me.

 

[Catastrofe]

I am very worried for my young nephews and my niece ... I am scared for the example I am giving them. The oldest is now 17, the youngest 4, they all love me very much. I love them very much too.
My best friend also will cry forever. She is the only one who knows I am suicidal and if I die I am sure she will suffer a lot.

 

[Jamesun]

Do you somtimes worry how it will affect them?

I don't really have a real idea, about my parents maybe a little bad, I feel like my girlfriend would hate me and maybe my friends will get a little sad, but I want to not think about it really.

 

[suicidalloser]

there is no one in my life. i grew through foster homes, i don't understand what it means to be cared for.

 

[Ico]

I just read in another post that you are Autistic. I can't believe how tough life can be for so many ND people. It isn't right or fair.
Do you think your wife knows you are so low and planning this.
I imagine it's the least of your worries but other kids' parents are dicks. It is a given across the board All parents are also embarrassing come a particular point. I bet you are a million times more interesting, with greater intelligence and depth than half of them in your neighborhood.
I really hope you find a way to get through with less suffering in your life. ( I'm atheist but like that emoji)

Wow! Thanks for the kind words. It still feels really weird to be speaking so honestly and open about this.

Yeah...I just was diagnosed with ASD and ADD a few months ago, after nearly 36 years of being subjected to (seemingly) every medication in existence for 'depression' and 'anxiety'. To be perfectly honest, my wife was more relieved with the diagnosis than I was. Part of me was still clinging to the hope that this sensory and social nightmare was treatable, even after all of these years. Unfortunately, all of this is baked into my brain...and will never be any different. There are no resources for 'high functioning' adults, and most people are like "Stop lying about being Autistic. My nephew is on the spectrum, and you are nothing like him". It's weird, but the most common reaction I've received from folks is borderline hostility. At least I have a few accomodations at work now (I can work from home every once in a while).

The silver lining to the diagnosis is that my wife writes off a lot of my current behavior (not being able to get out of bed, profound sadness, etc) as 'autistic burnout'. The poor woman doesn't have a clue what I'm planning, which is why I still have my freedom. She's blissfully unaware, and is actually just wrapping birthday presents as I'm typing this.

Yesterday, I was able to get her to install all of the banking / financial apps on her phone and confirm that she can log into all of the accounts necessary to keep the bills paid. I've been aggressively saving these past few years, and there's enough equity in our home that she can go for years before having to make sacrifices. Sure, she complains about the lack of family vacations or new cars, etc. Ultimately, I hope she understands that I've been doing my best to keep them solvent after my death.

Sometimes, I wish that there was an app like tinder for zealous folks with firearms and folks like me. This would be so much easier for everyone if there was a 'tragic accident' that took my life. I have an abundance of life insurance policies that I've taken out over the years to cover my family. If there was a way to depart this life while keeping those benefits intact, I would do it right now without hesitation.

On Wednesday, I was a victim of road rage. This dude in a pickup truck just cut me off in traffic, then 'brake checked' me several times until he finally stopped and got out of his car. I did the same, and he started threatening me. My first question to him was, 'Do you have a gun? Like on you right now?". He responded with something like, "You're going to find out". I cannot explain the calmness and relief that overcame me in that moment. Tears started to well up in my eyes, and I guess he decided that I was effectively intimidated. When he turned around to leave, I lost my shit and started yelling for him to come back. I can imagine that it must have seemed crazy to him.

Joined this site the same day. Guess that was the sign I was looking for. In the face of potential death, I was actually the most unencumbered that I've been in years.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

It will devastate my family, that part is very hard on me.

 

[Lamentice]

I don't worry about it enough for it to be a deterrent.

 

[Darkover]

it's not my problem

 

[liljeep]

I don't imagine anyone feeling much of anything if I actually did it. They may think of me every so often but ultimately they will forget me.

 

[enough of this]

I honestly don't know that anyone would even notice.

 

[mazzy]

I live with roommates, three to be exact. One of which I am very close to and she would be very effected. I mean we are just one wall apart and we spend most of our time together. The other two would be pissed because I can no longer pay rent haha. No sure if they'd be sad tho, they rarely talk to me, communicate things to me, or acknowledge me. As for my family, my dad would feel it's his fault as he had multiple ctb attempts back in 2020. As for my mother…I can't even stand to think of how she would react. I know she loves me. Which makes ctb hard for me, she's already been thru so much I wouldn't want to put her thru losing her only daughter. I have a brother who would be affected too but he's weird with emotions, I honestly don't know how he would feel. As for my extended family I've never even met any of them, so it wouldn't be to hard on them since we've never even had a connection (apologies for typos, I'm at work so I don't have time to proofread)
I do have a best friend who I have a grossly toxic friendship with but I wouldn't trade her for the world. We've cut with eachother, she's cut me, I've cut her, done drugs together (nothing hardcore), we both kind of fueled each others EDs but we love eachother. If I died, she would ctb. Vice versa lol.

 

[dory]

I use to over think it a lot then i just realized why feel guilty over something that would bring me peace

 

[Jolene79]

Wow! Thanks for the kind words. It still feels really weird to be speaking so honestly and open about this.

Yeah...I just was diagnosed with ASD and ADD a few months ago, after nearly 36 years of being subjected to (seemingly) every medication in existence for 'depression' and 'anxiety'. To be perfectly honest, my wife was more relieved with the diagnosis than I was. Part of me was still clinging to the hope that this sensory and social nightmare was treatable, even after all of these years. Unfortunately, all of this is baked into my brain...and will never be any different. There are no resources for 'high functioning' adults, and most people are like "Stop lying about being Autistic. My nephew is on the spectrum, and you are nothing like him". It's weird, but the most common reaction I've received from folks is borderline hostility. At least I have a few accomodations at work now (I can work from home every once in a while).

The silver lining to the diagnosis is that my wife writes off a lot of my current behavior (not being able to get out of bed, profound sadness, etc) as 'autistic burnout'. The poor woman doesn't have a clue what I'm planning, which is why I still have my freedom. She's blissfully unaware, and is actually just wrapping birthday presents as I'm typing this.

Yesterday, I was able to get her to install all of the banking / financial apps on her phone and confirm that she can log into all of the accounts necessary to keep the bills paid. I've been aggressively saving these past few years, and there's enough equity in our home that she can go for years before having to make sacrifices. Sure, she complains about the lack of family vacations or new cars, etc. Ultimately, I hope she understands that I've been doing my best to keep them solvent after my death.

Sometimes, I wish that there was an app like tinder for zealous folks with firearms and folks like me. This would be so much easier for everyone if there was a 'tragic accident' that took my life. I have an abundance of life insurance policies that I've taken out over the years to cover my family. If there was a way to depart this life while keeping those benefits intact, I would do it right now without hesitation.

On Wednesday, I was a victim of road rage. This dude in a pickup truck just cut me off in traffic, then 'brake checked' me several times until he finally stopped and got out of his car. I did the same, and he started threatening me. My first question to him was, 'Do you have a gun? Like on you right now?". He responded with something like, "You're going to find out". I cannot explain the calmness and relief that overcame me in that moment. Tears started to well up in my eyes, and I guess he decided that I was effectively intimidated. When he turned around to leave, I lost my shit and started yelling for him to come back. I can imagine that it must have seemed crazy to him.

Joined this site the same day. Guess that was the sign I was looking for. In the face of potential death, I was actually the most unencumbered that I've been in years.

Ah this is so heartbreaking. I'm not autistic myself but have gone through this with someone very close to me. If you don't 'look' and 'act' Autistic enough, you're not going to be supported by some. I wonder if the realisation of this new diagnosis has just pushed you over. I am not in your shoes but I feel your pain. I'm on alot of groups anonymously inc. those for ND peeps. I feel things are changing and ND people are becoming more aware in droves. I hope this makes life easier for future generations.
I imagine Road rage guy wet himself sensing that you didn't give a stuff. Another absolute idiot. It's so unfair isn't it. I really don't want to die but I'm so afraid by my dramatically progressing health challenges I just prey something would take me out like you also hoped. It would be so much easier that way.
The lengths you have gone to to not leave your family in financial crap is so admirable. Even in your utter despair you are doing that. I wish so much for something to ease your suffering.

 

[LunarCharm]

if we're dead, what's the point in worrying?

half of the people in our life only know maybe half of us anyway, the majority only having ever met me, Toby.
and 9 times out of 10, people never get to know me beyond a vague greeting.
Our death may make some family sad, but that is the extent of it.
and when we're gone, we will be incapable of seeing them experience that sadness, so it doesn't matter to us.

 

[NoHorizon]

My family will be devastated and it breaks my heart to think about that.

My friends will be sad for a bit but probably be fine in time. I have one close friend it will really hurt but he's quite resilient so I hope he'll be OK.

My manager at work will be happy.

 

[sometimes.sometimes]

I feel like it would be a very mixed reaction. I know that some wouldn't shed a tear while others might shed one. The only one that would be majorly affected to the point it makes me a little sad is my grandma, but that is it.

At the end of the day, though, everyone will get over it at some point and move on with their lives.

 

[socio]

I guess..? But at the same time, I'll be dead. Nothing would affect me when I'm dead, no? Maybe I'm selfish, but that's what I can take on this.

Plus, they will, one day, die as well.. their suffering would only be temporary.

 

[sadscotsman]

My dad is genuinely the only person who would care. I think my mum would be happy if I died. Maybe not happy, maybe just relieved? Idk. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that she's just a transphobe and doesn't actually hate me, but I know she doesn't care about me and that we have a shit relationship. There's literally nobody else who would care. That's why I'll probably wait until my dad dies to CTB, at least spare him from the pain, his life has been hard enough.

 

[CigaretteAesthetics]

i hope no one cares or notices. but that's not the case.
everyone who likes me will be hurt, and everybody who hated me will laugh

 

[eternal_peace]

I used to worry about it, but i'm a selfish person, i can't deal with people, with most people i have conversations with i hate them, almost everyone makes me want to rip my hair out and slowly break all the limbs in my body, i'm a selfish and jealous person and envy everybody around me, i hate people so no, i don't care how it would affect them.