Maybe I am posting too many rate this or that threads. But noone is obliged to read or interact with them.
These scales or often not that precise. For more accuracy there had to be definitions. For me this would be more work. But due to less restrictions the people can better express their feelings maybe. Maybe to give your reasoning why you chose that number. Why exactly this and not another one? And what is means to you.
For me the rating of this year is heavily influenced by the comparison with past years. So the scale does not apply to an average life with average life quality. Maybe to a small extent but mostly it is a comparison of my past years.
On a scale 1-10. 1 is extremely horrible and horror like 24/7 with barely any breaks.
So 2018 was a 1. My second psychosis, extreme psychosomatic pain, acute suicidality, clinic stays, extreme nightmarish pain and suffering
So 2019 was a 1,5. A little bit less pain but so many humiliations, still extreme pain, extreme desperation with very desperate attempts to get a grip on myself again. Being fired despite the fact my extreme hard work that I put in. And the result was people spit in my face for it. (metaphorically)
So 2020. A 2,5. The desperation led to a mixed bipolar episode. I am not sure whether this is fully correct but it makes the most sense retrospectively. The mixed epsiode was extremely painful. I was severely agitated. I was this the two prior years already. But the impulse to find a way to get a stable income increased in an extreme way. The pressure I put on myself went through the roof and became kind of extremely insane high. Two therapists gave me up. My friends were very concerned because when I met them I had verbal diarrhea. To be honest I feel so sorry for myself that I had to go through all of this pain. Why was this year still better? The mixed episode resulted in the end of my severe psychosomatic pain. Though when I realize how much insanely extreme pain I went through my determination to kill myself after the next psychosis/ mania increases a lot. The pain was unimaginable and I just cannot cope with this shit again. It lasted so fucking long. Admittedly I did not take the proper medication for a long time which increased the pain for sure. But I fear the medication will not prevent a new epsiode forever. But medication is for sure one of my biggest hopes.
So 2021 a 4. First attempt to work failed completely. Though I was very thankful that the psychosomatic pain and agitation disappeared. Started university again. I almost left college a couple of times because I felt mentally very manic. But I stabilized. And I am thankful my therapists supported me during that time.
So 2022. I think a 4,5. No agitation, no psychosomatic pain. I could stop some medication (slowly) with very nasty side effects which increased my life quality. I am very happy that I could quit them without relapsing. I am extremely self-disciplined in college which is good for my grades but bad for my life quality. I still think compared to people with average lives my life quality is very bad. But for me there is progress for sure compared to the nightmare years that I described prior in this post. However there is always this extreme anxiety that this unimaginable pain returns. I prepare my suicide for that. I am so anxious that all of this repeats. I ruminate daily that I might be able to postpone a relapse but I think sooner or later there will be probably one. I worry a lot. Also about my financials, the health of my mom. Her death would also force me to commit suicide very quickly. I could not go on with college without her financial aid.
So I could imagine 2023 might be the year of my suicide. I think it is not that likely. But not impossible for sure. The stroke of my mom was frightening as fuck. She seemingly does not want to change her life. I sometimes have the feeling my life is a time bomb. But this metaphor is not perfect. I try to fix things. I try to improve but then suddenly another bad thing happens which I could not anticipate (of course also not prevent).
I did not imagine this thread became so long. But that's it.
I hope for the best but I try to be prepared for the worst. Not sure if that motto is really healthy but that's my approach to life.
These scales or often not that precise. For more accuracy there had to be definitions. For me this would be more work. But due to less restrictions the people can better express their feelings maybe. Maybe to give your reasoning why you chose that number. Why exactly this and not another one? And what is means to you.
For me the rating of this year is heavily influenced by the comparison with past years. So the scale does not apply to an average life with average life quality. Maybe to a small extent but mostly it is a comparison of my past years.
On a scale 1-10. 1 is extremely horrible and horror like 24/7 with barely any breaks.
So 2018 was a 1. My second psychosis, extreme psychosomatic pain, acute suicidality, clinic stays, extreme nightmarish pain and suffering
So 2019 was a 1,5. A little bit less pain but so many humiliations, still extreme pain, extreme desperation with very desperate attempts to get a grip on myself again. Being fired despite the fact my extreme hard work that I put in. And the result was people spit in my face for it. (metaphorically)
So 2020. A 2,5. The desperation led to a mixed bipolar episode. I am not sure whether this is fully correct but it makes the most sense retrospectively. The mixed epsiode was extremely painful. I was severely agitated. I was this the two prior years already. But the impulse to find a way to get a stable income increased in an extreme way. The pressure I put on myself went through the roof and became kind of extremely insane high. Two therapists gave me up. My friends were very concerned because when I met them I had verbal diarrhea. To be honest I feel so sorry for myself that I had to go through all of this pain. Why was this year still better? The mixed episode resulted in the end of my severe psychosomatic pain. Though when I realize how much insanely extreme pain I went through my determination to kill myself after the next psychosis/ mania increases a lot. The pain was unimaginable and I just cannot cope with this shit again. It lasted so fucking long. Admittedly I did not take the proper medication for a long time which increased the pain for sure. But I fear the medication will not prevent a new epsiode forever. But medication is for sure one of my biggest hopes.
So 2021 a 4. First attempt to work failed completely. Though I was very thankful that the psychosomatic pain and agitation disappeared. Started university again. I almost left college a couple of times because I felt mentally very manic. But I stabilized. And I am thankful my therapists supported me during that time.
So 2022. I think a 4,5. No agitation, no psychosomatic pain. I could stop some medication (slowly) with very nasty side effects which increased my life quality. I am very happy that I could quit them without relapsing. I am extremely self-disciplined in college which is good for my grades but bad for my life quality. I still think compared to people with average lives my life quality is very bad. But for me there is progress for sure compared to the nightmare years that I described prior in this post. However there is always this extreme anxiety that this unimaginable pain returns. I prepare my suicide for that. I am so anxious that all of this repeats. I ruminate daily that I might be able to postpone a relapse but I think sooner or later there will be probably one. I worry a lot. Also about my financials, the health of my mom. Her death would also force me to commit suicide very quickly. I could not go on with college without her financial aid.
So I could imagine 2023 might be the year of my suicide. I think it is not that likely. But not impossible for sure. The stroke of my mom was frightening as fuck. She seemingly does not want to change her life. I sometimes have the feeling my life is a time bomb. But this metaphor is not perfect. I try to fix things. I try to improve but then suddenly another bad thing happens which I could not anticipate (of course also not prevent).
I did not imagine this thread became so long. But that's it.
I hope for the best but I try to be prepared for the worst. Not sure if that motto is really healthy but that's my approach to life.
Last edited:
