NSFW How would I go about sexual relationships if I'm an active self harmer?

[Cauliflour]

Active as in there's always fairly fresh scars on at least one of my arms. I asked like a year ago and people said that people don't usually care about self harm scars, but I've been consistently self harming for years and the thought of revealing my scars is like pulling up my top and revealing my tits: really personal stuff that I wouldn't wanna just show anyone. Alright then, play the long game. Problem is: what if I do play the long game and I reveal that I'm an active self harmer? Any sane person would be disturbed and that would cause some issues. Also what if they ask why I cut myself? Then I'd have to reveal my disturbed mental state, or at least a part of it. This is the only place I've admitted to my masochistic thoughts because if I admitted to these in real life then I'm setting myself up to get my ass raped by some toxic little bitch who will use that as a way to cause some serious issues. Also I'm vain and masochists have a certain reputation to them and I don't wanna be seen as some pathetic little sex slave from some cheesy porno. I can't keep wearing sleeves when doing sex stuff, that'll be too suspicious. It's a shame, it's so fun rubbing against the scars while they're all raised and healing...

I'm also not sure if I even can do that kind of stuff properly anymore cause my sex drive is pretty pathetic. Pretty embarrassing but I can't even remember the last time I touched myself, the thoughts are that infrequent. Well I mean, it's not like I have a squeaky clean mind, it's more like they're not intense enough to warrant having to take control to deal with them. I don't take any medication and I'm young so the only thing I can think of is some subconsious thing regarding the potential of me having depression (but being too stubborn to actually get diagnosed). That or the autism got to them and shot it out back with the rest of my emotions (actually makes me a bit worried about falling in love cause romance is one of the the only emotions I can still feel clearly).

I have dreams of finding someone who will be the one to fill that space in my heart and agree to do some of the twisted shit I dream about without crossing any boundaries (although I do sometimes have dreams of myself getting raped because my self worth is shitty like that lol). There's nothing I can find online that fits into whatever flavour I am, in fact sapphic BDSM porn is some of the over the top cheesiest shit you can find, which really isn't helping my feelings towards the matter but hey, what can ya do. If I had figured this out earlier then I would've pushed this back to the darkest depths of my mind and force myself to forget about it (it's worked before, would reccomend) but it's impossible to do that with this cause it's so tied to my mental health that it's forever stuck as part of me. I should just cut my losses and live my life forever alone but damn it I'm lonely. I've never been in a relationship cause I suck ass when it comes to talking to girls so I'm at university age and still nothing. It's becoming an obsession at this point: if I don't get this lust sorted out soon then I'm gonna become something dangerous I fear. Tbh maybe I deserve to get raped lol. It's gonna happen, it's moreso a matter of when. My bet is when I start opening my mouth and yap. All I can hope is that the abuser doesn't have herpes or some shit. That and they're female. I'd probably hang myself within that week if I was forced to be straight ahahaha

 

[desiderium]

I don't mean to come off really fucking strong right out of the gate, but I can't believe that another person has the same sick, masochistic thoughts when it comes to self-harm. Scars are so pretty, they're fun to touch, and they're my favorite accessory to see on another human being. There's something so intimate about wounds on the human body, you know? They're far more fascinating than someone's personality or their body itself. Scars and wounds are the doorway straight to their soul, and I find them beautiful. Hypnotizing, even. They fulfill some sick satisfaction of mine, even when they're inflicted on my own vessel by my own hand.

Unfortunately, not many people see scars or self-inflicted injuries in that light. You have to roll the dice and gamble when it comes to a sexual partner, or take the loss and wear sleeves. You might be able to get away with lying, by saying they're old (if you let them fade), but there's no way of telling how a person will react when they see them. Especially fresh ones. You'll probably have to try and determine their reaction by bringing up similar topics or getting an emotional read off of them (which can be difficult, as a fellow autistic person). Sometimes you meet someone who seems a little off the rocker, and that's about as close as you can get to hoping that a partner is just as deranged as you are.

Other than that, sleeves are the only sure-fire way of avoiding the situation. Unless you're the type of person who likes to see others' reactions regardless of what they may be.

 

[fadedghost]

goth club? meet someone there, no one will care?