Help How would I go about forcing two alcoholic parents to stop their habits 100% with little to no consequences?

[LetMeBeSad]

Accept the fact that there is nothing you can do. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Regardless of what you or anyone else believes, you don't have any power over your parents drinking. I doubt they have any power over it. They will only change when they are ready to change.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Your parents are adults too, I think they make their own choices and it would be hard to change them, especially as their kid. If they respected their kids more they probably would think more about the impact of their choices anyway. I wish you luck anyway but I think you could consider moving out. My perspective on family is very skewed though since mine were abusive so being away from them in the best thing ever for me personally. Good luck!

Well it's hard for me to move out, especially now so I gotta force them in the meantime. I won't rest til I have a solution.

Accept the fact that there is nothing you can do. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Regardless of what you or anyone else believes, you don't have any power over your parents drinking. I doubt they have any power over it. They will only change when they are ready to change.

Nah, not gonna happen. I'm gonna make them listen to me and they're gonna fucking like it

 

[LetMeBeSad]

[/QUOTE="AnHeroTransGirl, post: 2252209, member: 70891"

Nah, not gonna happen. I'm gonna make them listen to me and they're gonna fucking like it

[/QUOTE]

It's OK. Most people have to learn it the hard way. Just prepare your heart for potential disappointment.

I always wondered if the booze was more important to my father than his family. I tried many things to get him to stop. All I got was that feeling of abandonment when he chose the alcohol over us. I'm not alone either. Pretty much every drunk has a story where their family tried to stop them and failed. There's an entire 12 step group for families of alcoholics called alanon.

Good luck in your efforts though. I don't have any suggestions that don't come without consequences. Also, it's hard to know what consequences you could be facing without context. For example, my father was a violent drunk. So when I tipped his beer fridge over, smashing most of the bottles in it, he beat the shit out of me and went out for more beers. Didn't stop him at all and I paid a price.

 

[casual_existence]

Well short of kidnapping them and forcing them to stop cold turkey (you did say you hate them but really in order to do anything morally deficient you actually have to feel indifferent towards them like see them as animals or something) you won't get anywhere. They basically have to figure it out on their own.

Now I'm curious. You do chores for them? Are you forced to do them or do you just do it?

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

[/QUOTE="AnHeroTransGirl, post: 2252209, member: 70891"

Nah, not gonna happen. I'm gonna make them listen to me and they're gonna fucking like it

It's OK. Most people have to learn it the hard way. Just prepare your heart for potential disappointment.

I always wondered if the booze was more important to my father than his family. I tried many things to get him to stop. All I got was that feeling of abandonment when he chose the alcohol over us. I'm not alone either. Pretty much every drunk has a story where their family tried to stop them and failed. There's an entire 12 step group for families of alcoholics called alanon.

Good luck in your efforts though. I don't have any suggestions that don't come without consequences. Also, it's hard to know what consequences you could be facing without context. For example, my father was a violent drunk. So when I tipped his beer fridge over, smashing most of the bottles in it, he beat the shit out of me and went out for more beers. Didn't stop him at all and I paid a price.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah but my plan is to make them quit

Well short of kidnapping them and forcing them to stop cold turkey (you did say you hate them but really in order to do anything morally deficient you actually have to feel indifferent towards them like see them as animals or something) you won't get anywhere. They basically have to figure it out on their own.

Now I'm curious. You do chores for them? Are you forced to do them or do you just do it?

I mean I can't kidnap someone I live with, so maybe something on the same level as that? Also I'm pretty sure if I don't do the chores I never asked for/for the house I had no choice to live in, I'd be homeless.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Yeah but my plan is to make them quit.

How?

The only way I can see for you is to tell them how it makes you feel. After that, it's up to them.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

First off, I'm terribly sorry you're suffering from alcoholic parents. My dad was an alcoholic and it really fucked me up during my adolescence. It's really unfair for you to have to endure.

Secondly, I've worked in fields related to substance abuse treatment, have studied addiction thoroughly, and worked with many people who have problem drinking. So I know quite a bit about it.

The most honest answer which is probably not what you want to hear is that you don't. You are very unlikely to change their behaviour yourself and taking on the responsibility to change them will end up emotionally taxing you and hurting you more in the long run. The best course is to create as much space between yourself and their drinking.

The only thing you can do is encourage them to seek formal treatment programs or services. Asides from this, what you can do to protect yourself is learn self-advocacy skills including boundary setting. An example of a boundary could be that you will not be in the same room as them if they are drinking. Your context/mileage for these boundaries may vary, but the more you can set and consistently follow, the better.

Seeking support from community resources such as al-anon, a social worker, therapist, etc. to provide you with resources and act as an adult where your parents inevitably won't – due to their problem drinking – is also recommended. A stable, mature adult figure goes a long way, especially when we were denied this as children/youth. I.e., especially when we never got to see what actual adulting looks like.

If your parents ever become physically violent towards you (I only say this as I don't know them) get out of there and seek formal help asap.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

How?

The only way I can see for you is to tell them how it makes you feel. After that, it's up to them.

Any means necessary

First off, I'm terribly sorry you're suffering from alcoholic parents. My dad was an alcoholic and it really fucked me up during my adolescence. It's really unfair for you to have to endure.

Secondly, I've worked in fields related to substance abuse treatment, have studied addiction thoroughly, and worked with many people who have problem drinking. So I know quite a bit about it.

The most honest answer which is probably not what you want to hear is that you don't. You are very unlikely to change their behaviour yourself and taking on the responsibility to change them will end up emotionally taxing you and hurting you more in the long run. The best course is to create as much space between yourself and their drinking.

The only thing you can do is encourage them to seek formal treatment programs or services. Asides from this, what you can do to protect yourself is learn self-advocacy skills including boundary setting. An example of a boundary could be that you will not be in the same room as them if they are drinking. Your context/mileage for these boundaries may vary, but the more you can set and consistently follow, the better.

Seeking support from community resources such as al-anon, a social worker, therapist, etc. to provide you with resources and act as an adult where your parents inevitably won't – due to their problem drinking – is also recommended. A stable, mature adult figure goes a long way, especially when we were denied this as children/youth. I.e., especially when we never got to see what actual adulting looks like.

If your parents ever become physically violent towards you (I only say this as I don't know them) get out of there and seek formal help asap.

Again, I hate my parents so what's off the table for a so-called "professional" is not off the table for me.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Any means necessary

Again, I hate my parents so what's off the table for a so-called "professional" is not off the table for me.

In that case you could murder your parents. But then you probably wouldn't have a house.

I mean it. You're not going to get them to stop drinking without actually resorting to violence, extortion, etc. - if they won't stop by their own volition.

If you resort to these means, you will likely end up with far worse problems than your parents drinking. Despite the drinking potentially being solved

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

In that case you could murder your parents. But then you probably wouldn't have a house.

I mean it. You're not going to get them to stop drinking without actually resorting to violence, extortion, etc. - if they won't stop by their own volition.

If you resort to these means, you will likely end up with far worse problems than your parents drinking. Despite the drinking potentially being solved

I mean I don't plan on murdering them. But extortion could work. I've been yearning to gain some sort of control and was even thinking of making a thread about getting the control I deserve for dealing with them for years

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I mean I don't plan on murdering them. But extortion could work. I've been yearning to gain some sort of control and was even thinking of making a thread about getting the control I deserve for dealing with them for years

Do you have something that you could hold over their heads?

Also, I have asked the question a couple of times but, got no answer from you. Are your parents capable of repaying your actions in kind? It's an important question because you asked for a consequence free, way to do this.

So if you are going to use violence or blackmail, and the parents are capable of violence or blackmail themselves, then you might be in for much bigger problems.

For example, if I was an abusive alcoholic and the child I don't like tried to blackmail me, I might just have you committed. Tell police you've been threatening to kill people and yourself. When they got there, I could put on a really great act as a parent and the cops will swallow it, hook, line, and sinker. Might even do some self harm and blame it on you. That will not only let me strike back at you but, it would also diminish the power of the blackmail material because, who is going to believe a crazy person that is a threat to other people and themselves?

Do they have anything they can hold over you? Do people in your life know you're Trans? Because a parent that really disliked you might return a blackmail attempt by outing you.

If you are going to follow through with this, you will need to be expecting the responses. Extortion and blackmail is like playing chess. You need to anticipate your opponents next moves and plan your counter moves. And even if you plan really well, it all might still crash in on you.

You are trying to leverage and hurt people. Hurt people strike back. You better make sure you have multiple plans and have thought out there potential responses very well. Or you are still heading for disappointment, or worse.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Do you have something that you could hold over their heads?

Also, I have asked the question a couple of times but, got no answer from you. Are your parents capable of repaying your actions in kind? It's an important question because you asked for a consequence free, way to do this.

So if you are going to use violence or blackmail, and the parents are capable of violence or blackmail themselves, then you might be in for much bigger problems.

For example, if I was an abusive alcoholic and the child I don't like tried to blackmail me, I might just have you committed. Tell police you've been threatening to kill people and yourself. When they got there, I could put on a really great act as a parent and the cops will swallow it, hook, line, and sinker. Might even do some self harm and blame it on you. That will not only let me strike back at you but, it would also diminish the power of the blackmail material because, who is going to believe a crazy person that is a threat to other people and themselves?

Do they have anything they can hold over you? Do people in your life know you're Trans? Because a parent that really disliked you might return a blackmail attempt by outing you.

If you are going to follow through with this, you will need to be expecting the responses. Extortion and blackmail is like playing chess. You need to anticipate your opponents next moves and plan your counter moves. And even if you plan really well, it all might still crash in on you.

You are trying to leverage and hurt people. Hurt people strike back. You better make sure you have multiple plans and have thought out there potential responses very well. Or you are still heading for disappointment, or worse.

Unfortunately not. Violence yes but blackmail no. Plus there's the whole "getting away with it" aspect.