How will it Affect My Son?

[Tanks2122]

Hi all,

I'll keep this short. I strongly believe that my wife and 2 year old son will be better off without me. For this reason, looking at the bigger picture, I'm not too worried about making this decision.

My question is - how much will it screw them up mentally if I did it sooner, rather than later? At the age of 2, by the time they have grown up, will they be able to process it without being messed up?

My thought is that it's probably something better done sooner rather than later, and that any negative consequences will only become more severe as time passes.

Appreciate your thoughts.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Not to be rude, but I don't think you should ctb if you have a small child. It will mess them up for life no matter what you do. When you decide to have a child you are deciding to devote your life to them until at least adulthood. You ctbing is just going to traumatize them.

If you wanted to ctb so badly then you shouldn't have had a kid. I understand that I might be coming off as a bit cold in saying this but it's true. Ctbing despite having a child, especially a very young, who relies on you is one of the only times in which suicide is actually a selfish decision.

If you still want to ctb, then at least wait until their adult living on their own.

 

[Tanks2122]

Not to be rude, but I don't think you should ctb if you have a small child. It will mess them up for life no matter what you do. When you decide to have a child you are deciding to devote your life to them until at least adulthood. You ctbing is just going to traumatize them.

If you wanted to ctb so badly then you shouldn't have had a kid. I understand that I might be coming off as a bit cold in saying this but it's true. Ctbing despite having a child, especially a very young, who relies on you is one of the only times in which suicide is actually a selfish decision.

If you still want to ctb, then at least wait until their adult living on their own.

I hadn't really thought about it like that.

Even when I believe that me being gone would have a positive affect over his life?

I've had the thoughts for a long time, but they've got worse recently in the past few years, so the decision to have the child came before the suicidal thoughts.

 

[straydog]

May I ask why you think your wife and son would be better off without you? You don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable, but it could be helpful to discuss those feelings with someone either here or elsewhere.

You son will be impacted, though no one can know how and with what severity. I'm not saying this to guilt you, to make you feel even worse, or to push some bullshit pro-lifer agenda - it is simply the truth and something you'll have to reconcile. It's possible that after years your son could come to accept that you left this life not because you didn't love him or because he did something wrong but because you were in unbearable pain and couldn't keep going, but getting to that point will be far from easy or painless for him. It may be easier for him to process when he's well into adulthood, but grief is something you never truly recover from; you just learn to live with the hurt, as best you can.

It would be worth searching online for stories from people whose parents CTB when they were young for more specific insight.

 

[dreamingofrest]

I agree with the above person about looking up stories online from people who have had a parent CTB while they were very young. I can't say how it will affect your family, and I don't know why you think they would be better off without you, but I'm glad you're at least asking these questions and thinking about how this could affect your kid… and your wife too.

 

[cursedcure]

if/whenever you decide to do it, leave your kid notes, letters, trinkets, something to hold on to…. there will never be a right time to ctb esp when you have a young family. you decide when, but make sure to leave them something to remember you by, rn they are very young so they might be confused about what is going on if you do it soon, but they will wonder when they grow up. the mother will also suffer deeply and this will probably affect the kid too. there is no true solution. you will suffer possibly forever (idk your damage/reason to ctb) which most likely cause some trauma. or you CTB and there will be trauma as well. it's an inevitably. i don't know what to wish you expect good luck and follow your heart

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hadn't really thought about it like that.

Even when I believe that me being gone would have a positive affect over his life?

I've had the thoughts for a long time, but they've got worse recently in the past few years, so the decision to have the child came before the suicidal thoughts.

Even if you believe it will have a positive affect on his life it likely won't. The death of a parent has a negative affect on children, especially young children. I've even seen cases of people who had a parent who was abusive or neglectful towards them and they still ended up negatively affected by their death. You dying by suicide will make it even worse for him since he'll likely think it's his fault, even if you take measures to make it clear that isn't.

Your kid is your responsibility at the end of the day. You staying alive for him and being active in his life is an something you agreed to when you had him.

 

[Tanks2122]

Hi all,

Some interesting posts above and I thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Certainly given me some things to think about.

 

[Kit1]

Dear Tanks2122,

I really do feel for you. I am a mum and I have two children who are both teenagers. I love them and care for them deeply - that is why I am still here. But that doesn't mean that suicidal ideation disappears and it is something that I have to fight all the time.

My father's younger sister ended her life when both her children were under the age of 5 - this was in the 1970s. One of her daughter's ended her life in the 1990s. The remaining daughter who is in her early 50s struggle.with severe depression and I know that she also is holding her life together for the sake of her children - she always says that her life is perfect in every way, but the ending of her mum's and sister's lives always haunts her - despite having a "happy life filled with love and warmth".

It is a battle - a constant battle. Demons are hard to fight and to stay grounded is a challenge. The sacrifice expected of parents is a lot - and despite all the love we have for our children, the pain can be so overwhelming and can end up clouding our judgement and take us down the route of trying to end our lives - speaking from lived experience where I do end up taking overdoses, find myself at the top of mountains and cliff ends in dissociative states, come to my senses (parental instinct and the nurturing instinct is extremely strong) and retreat. The battle can be lonely if there is no support or if we are to depend on the run of the mill state support (in my case, NHS England, which is incapable of meeting my accessibility needs hence there is a risk of me dying one day if I am unable to safely bring myself back). If you find that you don't have reliable services to reach out to, perhaps you can reach out to a charity or private health care to keep you safe and supported.

Only you can make the decision as to how you take your life forward as none of us can feel and live your pain. But I would like you to really look into the eyes of your two year old, look at the innocence that baby holds and ask yourself - whose life and happiness is precious? It is an unforgiving, harsh question that as a stranger I am asking of you - but as a mum to another parent, this is worth looking at. I do this every single day and somehow I have managed to stay alive.

Please use this space to vent and talk, share your burden and pains - or another safe space and this might just help make a difference to that hard border that you facing right now.

I am extremely sorry if I have guilt tripped you, put you in second position as right now you are the person who is suffering or hurt you in any way - but everyone who has voiced their feelings on this chat are speaking on behalf of a two year old who is not able to speak for themself.

Sending you lots of wishes. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Hi all,

Some interesting posts above and I thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Certainly given me some things to think about.

Yeah, you should certainly take all of this into account. I also need you to understand that there's already enough kids out there who did not grow up with a father in thier lives for one reason or another, I honestly don't want your son end being one of those cases, the very least he deserves is your presence in your life because you chose to have him, you and your wife so I honestly think, with that mind, you have stick around for him. If you take this action, there's no doubt he'll grow up to blame himself for you not being around. Please know that as @Kit1 said above as she is a parent herself, you are not alone and there is support in all of this to still find ways to manage your desire to ctb and be there for your 2 year old son.

 

[SexyIncél]

Here's some questions

• What will your wife do? She'll likely get another guy. Does she choose them well?
• Will they have enough resources to live a comfortable, unrushed life?
• Can you leave your son some videos where you explain who you are, what you like, what you don't like, etc?
• Is your wife understanding with you? How on board is she?
• Why specifically are they better off without you?

 

[Tesha]

In all honesty, your Son will probably not remember you - he's just too young at the moment.

So, the question you might want to ask is how will others remember you in front of him? The way they talk about you, your suicide, your love for your Son, your reasons for dying, this will be what he hears and learns from. It will form the foundations of how he feels and reacts when he's old enough to consider these questions and how you affected him.

Do you know how your wife will react? Will she understand your reasons? Will she speak fondly of you afterwards or not? Is your suicide truly proportional to the pain you're facing If you stay alive?

Parents of young children die every day, some naturally, some through suicide, some accidentally. There are many outlets, charities and support mechanisms in place to help those left behind; especially children. Having said that, the stats do indicate that there is an increased chance of your Son taking his own life later on if you do. I would need to look it up again, but I think there is no statistical difference if you lose a parent to suicide after about age 20.

I have two youngish children (one teen, one younger) and it's probably the hardest decision I've ever faced. I look at their faces everyday and I know my death will break them - but I am trying to work out if a 'broken and non-functioning me' is more or less damaging to them than a 'dead me'.

 

[figurehead]

You say that your wife and child will better off without you. That's a strong affirmation. Ask yourself to what will happen to them without you. Your son is only two, deep scars are done around this age til about 5. I agree with E Jester, having a kid it's a responsibility that you carry, their lives depend greatly on you. A couple of years ago I was deeply depressed, my then 6 year old overheard me say that I wanted to kill myself. She called her father, she was scared, terrified. How can a parent simply disappear?