how will i know when i’m ready

[bunnyloop]

i always think how i'll know when i'm ready to die. the thought of it is still so scary to me. whenever i'm having a breakdown or going through a hard time i want to kill myself so bad i look over at my drawer where my sn is and finally taking it out and using it. but it's not a method that should be done impulsively that's why there's a guide after all. i think when i'm really ready to go i'll feel a calmness in me and i won't cry. it's probably not good to say but i wish i had the same feelings towards death that really old ppl and terminally ill people have because they know it's coming soon no matter what and they can't stop it so they've just accepted it. i know i'll also die no matter what just like everyone else but unlike them i have a way to control how and when i die which is scary