How was your view on suicide before being suicidal?

[kogareta]

I remember my childhood, I saw the news of a celebrity I liked the shows of, hanged himself. I started thinking what could possibly get him to that phase, the end, suicide. I remember asking my parents about why could he commit such a thing, etc. And my father said to me that people who commit suicide can't be judged since their psyhce isn't well. This was my view until now and still is. How did suicide sound to you before?

 

[Darkover]

i never understood why someone would commit suicide i always said to my self that i would never commit suicide
thats because i was happy then after breaking up with my gf after 2 and half years i started to despire thinking i'll never get sex again
that became a self fulfilling prophecy 19 years later i've still not had sex with anyone else such is the shittness of life
never again would i ever want to be enslaved in this awful shit

 

[loopdaloop]

Can't really remember because it was so long ago, but it probably was the same as you - asking questions. Wondering - if that random person did it, then what if anyone can do it ?

 

[sadlyexisting]

I always thought that people that commit suicide are just selfish and don't care about their loved ones. My parents always said to me that we live in a time when there is help everywhere and people that actually commit suicide just want to hurt others. I actually looked down on people that commit suicide for a very long time, because everyone just said to me that they are not 'normal'. But since I have suffered from the same thoughts, I realized how wrong I was. Now I envy those people who have the courage to actually do it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I was certainly not suicidal up until the last few years and I'm in my "middle ages of an avg. life time" now. While my life was in "order" and I had no problems I couldn't really understand why someone commited suicide (if there was sth in the news) but it was always clear to me that must have had a reason that was unsolvable for them with no other way out and I had no more thoughts about it. Already in my late teen years it was clear to me that suicide is a legal option and I would consider it for myself under certain circumstances (let it be health, life circumstances, whatsoever). However I didn't really lose a thought on suicide as long as my life was going the way I wanted it to go and everything was fine.

So now my current situation is so tiring for me that ctb is inevitable sooner or later and that doesn't surprise me I was prepared for it as it was always clear that this is a legal option for me.

 

[delusionalgirl]

Even though i was taught it was wrong I never judged anyone that was suicidal or managed to cross the finally step. I remember writing poems about it especially after Kurt cobain ctb for writing classes. I was in high school I think when Dr Kevorkian was caught for helping people ctb. Ethics and debate classes I was pro suicide and assisted suicide.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I've been clinically depressed since age 6, so I have always understood suicidality.

 

[mlcs]

I was firmly pro-life. Against suicide and against euthanasia, as those were my learned and forced moral stances that I would still hold if I haven't become suicidal myself. Honestly, I wish I've never fell into this hole of hopelessness. Every major thing I have learned about life came too late and every lesson was too expensive. I mean, I understand background of suicidality now, but what's the point? I could've been normal functional grown up person that doesn't think about that. Sometimes I wonder how would I learn those things if they had just let me grow without neuroleptics. Maybe some things I would never encounter at all, and there's nothing bad about that. I didn't have to learn about suicidality, I wish I remained simple as normal people are, cause everything I fell into is horrible and vast majority of people never become familiar with it. Life is a beautiful thing. It'd be nice to have a peaceful option to die any time you want, but it would be even nicer to be able to enjoy this beautiful life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's an interesting question. I was quite young when I became suicidal- 10. I think maybe my ideas of suicide were influenced early on by my feeling the same. I actually used to feel annoyed/ upset when various family members used to criticize/ mock/ damn suicides in films etc. I think for a long time- I felt like it was a reasonable response for people who no longer felt able to live in this world. Maybe Van Gogh was one of the earliest I became aware of. (Even though his may not have been a suicide- he almost certainly was suicidal.) There was a scene in Bergerac (TV series) where someone paralysed desperately wanted to die. I think I just thought in their cases it was reasonable to want to end their suffering and this world was cruel to expect them to go on. There was also a scene in I Cladius (BBC TV series) when one of the characters chose to take her own life because she was old and simply didn't want to live in such a changing world. (In the reign of Caligula.) I remember how much admiration I had for her. It was upsetting because she was telling her son of her plans but at the same time- I thought- wouldn't it be amazing if it were an acceptable thing to do now?

 

[FailerQt.]

Don't think I had one as I became suicidal at very early age due to bullying at school.

 

[SVEN]

I just felt a wave of sorrow that a person's life was so rotten that ceasing to live it was their best perceived option.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never wished to exist in this horrible world and I've personally always found death to be comforting, I'm pretty sure that as soon as I became aware of what suicide was I envied those people for being free. I think that wanting suicide is perfectly logical in this harmful world filled with endless potential for suffering, the thing that I've never been able to understand instead is why anyone would actually wish to exist here.

 

[exiled]

I was never of the belief that suicidal people are selfish. But I subscribed to the idea that things can always get better and that suicide isn't the answer. I had hope. I think that's what changed for me. I learned that some situations are just so awful that even if there WAS a way out in some long drawn out painful way, it is a person's right to choose if they want to go through all of that. I don't think any situation is unredeemable. But I do believe that some situations require so much of us that wanting to die is a reasonable option.

 

[jemetire]

I don't know why but I was very pro life :/

 

[nopeaceofmind]

Even as a kid I understood people who did it when they lost everything or hated life, I never understood those who commited suicide and had kids.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I was always pro-choice. I didn't get why suicide had to be such a huge ordeal, why it's illegal, why it's so hard to goddamn die if you're old and in pain.
I never understood the "guilt" aspect of it until after I became suicidal. And only because apparently I had a support network I had no idea I had.
Why should anyone have a say on your life besides yourself???

What I learned from pro-choice, pro-bodily autonomy, pro-suicide, is that more information is always better. If people already made X decision, that doesn't harm others, let them talk about X decision and discuss the best and safest ways of doing so. Hiding resources leads to a lot of misinformation and unintentional harm. Fuck the modern internet for hiding every good site with "you shouldn't do this" BS warnings. I miss the old web.

For example, I learned from these forums that my escape I had planned wasn't so easy (1,4-BDO) and I'd have to take like 4x of what I was planning, plus antiemetics, to have a good chance. I was just going to end up hurting myself.

 

[sayire]

I remember my childhood, I saw the news of a celebrity I liked the shows of, hanged himself. I started thinking what could possibly get him to that phase, the end, suicide. I remember asking my parents about why could he commit such a thing, etc. And my father said to me that people who commit suicide can't be judged since their psyhce isn't well. This was my view until now and still is. How did suicide sound to you before?

If I went back in time 5 years ago, I did not understand suicidal people. I always felt there should always be a path out. More or less was made to believe or believed myself that only truly selfish people commit suicide.

now that life has given me large number of curve balls that are out of my control, I understand suicide can actually be a rational choice.

yeah in 5 years cant imagine why anyone can be suicidal to I will argue that it is a rational act...

 

[sensenmann]

I never judged someone for doing it and back then I couldn't imagine why people did it, now I understand.

 

[istheretrulyalife?]

I was one of those "pro lifers"... well, I was completely Irrational. I thought that people holding someone back from suicide were heroes, because I was brought up that way. Why would i question something that is seen as bad by cops, normal people, the internet, etc.

Then I became suicidal a while ago (and even discreetly attempted OD, which failed) and now i understand.

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

I have this written down in my middle school diary:
If I ever lose confidence in life for unknown reasons, I will support myself to carry out my right of suicide. But seems like I will just remain a coward being a slave to reality.

I used to only understand suicide from a logical point. Now I understand it personally.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I always viewed it as a tragic thing, despite having suicidal thoughts as early as age 10. After I managed to get my depression under control in my early 20's, my mindset shifted to a more typical "pro-life" viewpoint. My ex was suicidal and I very much did not want her to CTB, so I encouraged her to explore other options, therapy, etc. After she died my mindset shifted to pro-choice, but I still find suicide very tragic. I have just come to an understanding that there are certain situations where people might actually be better off dead and there isn't much else that can be done. Just an unfortunate truth of our reality.

 

[sancsuinet]

i cant really remember ever not thinking what if that was me. aside from ages 13-16 where i was actively suicidal, ive always had this underlying interest in suicide. but its also extremely sad, and ive always thought that, its sad to lose someone and its sad that someone hurt so much they couldnt bare it.

 

[Dosentmatter903]

Couldn't understand how someone could even think of taking their own life...this wasn't all that long ago either I've really only got serious about ctb less than a year ago...not that isee it as a good thing now but I've changed my view on it completely. I get it now

 

[dory]

growing up the idea of it being selfish was pushed onto me and i never understood people who did it or even thought about doing it until i started going through puberty, but before then i just thought it was tragic but at-least they got what they wanted, now i just wish peace for people who do it

 

[roseleaf]

i remember when my views changed to what they are now and i remember what they were before.

before, i was the person who thought that there was something that could fix every suicidal person, and that there was something that everyone could live for.
i grew up in a religious home, and many of the members at my church acted as if suicide were taboo and something that shouldn't be talked about.

i've been suicidal since i was like, 10, or something around that age, but i know that during those first few years of my attempts, i still wanted to help people and i wanted to stop people who were suicidal and those who were sad.

now i think that, if someone wants peace, they should be allowed to do what they need.

 

[suicidalloser]

I've always been suicidal. I've always yearned for the pain to stop.

 

[Tobacco]

I was so afraid of death, wait, let me rephrase that. I was so enchanted with life that I couldn't understand why someone would like to risk going into an eternal sleep.


I thought everyone who ctb'd were selfish because of what it does to people around them.

 

[suicidaleeyore]

I was suicidal before I knew what suicide was. I didn't even know it was a "thing" I just knew I wanted to die

 

[loyalskateboard]

I've never known about suicide without being suicidal. When I was 10 I tried to kill myself albeit in a really shitty way. Didn't know it wouldn't work lol

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

I thought of it as murder to be blunt. I thought people who made a suicidal person feel suicidal were murderers. Now I know that a lot of times there isn't anyone to be blamed. If I were to commit today I wouldn't want anyone to think they murdered me. Even if they made me feel bad or hopeless in the past. It's my decision to make. Not theirs.