extremely trapped. Feeling trapped is what ultimately drives people to suicide in my non-expert opinion.
There are people who have gone through severe depression but would never consider suicide. Likewise people who have committed suicide who have never been depressed (common examples being people who have just been caught/accused of some major crime).
I don't want to CTB. If there was any way to make myself feel better, even if it took a monstrous amount of effort. I would gladly pursue it. Only after 5 years of struggle and looking into the future to see more hopelessness, did suicide enter my mind.