How trapped do you feel? What do you do with that?

[PhDone]

We all know ctb is a tough gig, most of us here are so suffering we just want out so desperately. I feel so goddam trapped every day. Keep looking at the eventuality of ctb, like this looming thing. Know I have no other choice, well outside of languishing in terror and disfunction every day forever. What the hell do you do to handle this level of feeling trapped whilst we navigate stepping towards ctb? Researching and planning it, letters etc helps for me. But what else? How do we sit in this space between decision and action. It feels unbearable.

 

[justpathetic]

It is horrible. It's like some messed up purgatory worse than hell. For me constant torment guilt feelings of being a coward so I can't enjoy anything. It's the absolute lack of hope.

 

[anopenwound]

I feel trapped beyond description. I know for certain my existence is a detriment to others. I'm trying to atone for it. I look at ctb like the ultimate way to achieve that. It brings me comfort.

 

[willitpass]

After having now failed 4 serious attempts in my life, trapped doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I feel extremely trapped and, because of it, I'm in perpetual mental agony for every waking second. I wish I was being hyperbolic but I'm honestly not. There isn't really anything that helps me regarding this feeling other than seeing people in the same shoes as me and venting about how insidious and evil pro lifers are. I really loathe society for making euthanasia a crime. I hope that I can escape society one day and give them a massive middle finger for failing to make me their wage slave

 

[PhDone]

After having now failed 4 serious attempts in my life, trapped doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Oh shit, four attempts, fuck. I cant imagine how that feels, having worked up the courage four times and still here. Have you got a new plan or method?

The trapped feels makes me feel absolute rage inside, like screaming and screaming to get out. It makes me want to smash my body up with a baseball bat. But of course that wouldnt even come close to ctb.

I feel extremely trapped and, because of it, I'm in perpetual mental agony for every waking second. I wish I was being hyperbolic but I'm honestly not. There isn't really anything that helps me regarding this feeling other than seeing people in the same shoes as me and venting about how insidious and evil pro lifers are. I really loathe society for making euthanasia a crime. I hope that I can escape society one day and give them a massive middle finger for failing to make me their wage slave

Yep, the mental agony is relentless. I never really escape it, it just goes between extreme and something I can just about cover up.

I agree knowing others are going thro the same helps.

 

[ClownCringe]

I've felt trapped for a decent majority of my life. However I've gained a sense of normalcy in recent times.

Still miserable but I have a self I can accept if that makes sense.

 

[PhDone]

I've felt trapped for a decent majority of my life. However I've gained a sense of normalcy in recent times.

Still miserable but I have a self I can accept if that makes sense.

Yeah it does. Thats bloody amazing that youve got yourself there. Thats a hell of a step to make, finding some acceptance of yourself.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

I feel cornered but i will take them with me

 

[loslassen]

I came to terms with it. It took me a while, and a lot of suffering, crying, quite literally as if I had a metamorphosis of sorts. I came to terms that the only reason i'm alive is to experience, so i'm grateful for my friendships, my nuclear family, the blessings in my life. I came to terms all I have to do is make the most of it until i'm ready to ctb, unless I find something worth suffering for, a reason to live that would make me want to put up with all the pain anyway, I hope the plans i'm making with my partner are that, because even when things are bettering around me I simply want to hang myself often times.

 

[LunarLight]

I do drugs. Helps a lot. xD

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

I do drugs. Helps a lot. xD

any recomdation? i take benzos but i generated resistance

 

[PhDone]

I do drugs. Helps a lot. xD

Yep, that makes total sense, only escape of any real benefit!

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I just dissociate mostly.

 

[PhDone]

any recomdation? i take benzos but i generated resistance

Ive been on benzos before to help sleep but kindov didnt like that it felt like pretending i wasnt struggling. I mean I know thats the point but if I'm just purely escaping I'd rather just drink.

I'm sure there are good drugs out there tho. Friend of mine does gummies every day. Works a charm.

I just dissociate mostly.

I hear you, definitely there too, mostly coz of my illness as well.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

Ive been on benzos before to help sleep but kindov didnt like that it felt like pretending i wasnt struggling. I mean I know thats the point but if I'm just purely escaping I'd rather just drink.

I'm sure there are good drugs out there tho. Friend of mine does gummies every day. Works a charm.

I hear you, definitely there too, mostly coz of my illness as well.

ooh i would love to know what gummies...i cant drink it makes me more paranoid about my problem :(

 

[PhDone]

ooh i would love to know what gummies...i cant drink it makes me more paranoid about my problem :(

I think theyre legal in US right? Or some states? I'll see if I can find out what types.

 

[maneose]

pretty trapped, i've become less depressed and suicidal, and yet i have this oppressive feeling that i have to kill myself to maintain order or someshit. it's not like i want to but i have to, not sure why, guilt of dragging others down with me? not feeling like a productive person of society? i'm have no idea, but it sucks that even when i feel okay, i can't stop the tugging at my heart. it's too difficult to die, way too difficult, so i just think on it, and waver that if i really wanted to, if i had enough pain and put enough effort i could do it, the options always there. but the chances of it succeeding is low, and in the end i will die, whether by my hand or not. i wouldn't say living is less effort than dying, but it's the motivation factor and chances of succeeding to me that just keeps me here.

 

[vadim]

I feel trapped in my life but also trapped and prevented from ctb. And of course, trapped in the sense that I can't tell anybody about my desire to put an end to my life and so have no choice but to bear it alone. I just spend my days walking around like a reanimated corpse without a soul trying to convince everyone else I'm normal and one of them, and engaging in self-destructive habits to make this possible by numbing the way I really feel inside.

 

[LunarLight]

any recomdation? i take benzos but i generated resistance

Well, opiates (especially oxycodone and heroin) are my favourite drugs, but be very careful with the amounts - at the beginning in particular - as you never know how strong your innate tolerance is, and, as much as you want to CTB, you may want to do it in your own terms. Always have the antidote, naloxone, close at hand, and never use alone: if you respect these conditions you have a near-0% chance to OD.
Opiates made me feel kinda normal, that is to say, how I imagine what not having depression feels like. I wrote and recorded two EPs and two albums under the influence of oxy/heroin. That was pure bliss. That feeling eventually weakened and withered as tolerance rose, but heroin is still making my life at least bearable. If you're as lucky as I am - like 15% of the human population - you won't feel any withdrawal symptoms: afaik it's pure hell. And contrary to popular belief - including here - you don't become addicted immediately after you've snorted your first line: tolerance builds up remarkably fast, you get hooked to it very easily, but let's not depict it as worse than it truly is. I let two friends of mine try heroin, they did not like it and never used again.
Pregabaline is really, really fun to mess with too: costs next to nothing (0,30€/pill on DNMs, 1-2€/pill on the street - you need as little as 2 300mg pills at the beginning to get a nice trip, and past 5 pills you reach some kind of plateau as your tolerance builds up), lasts very long (up to 24 hours), nice euphoria, no notable long-lasting side effects afaik. It messes with your fine motor skills though so never drive a car when you got some in your blood, you simply couldn't avoid a potentially lethal accident - and once again, as much as you want to CTB, you might wanna do it in your own terms.
Ketamine can be nice: I did DIY ket therapy for a while for my severe treatment-resistant depression and it worked so well that I went from microdosing and feeling damn good to doing up to 5 grams a day, thus almost destroying my bladder and pissing my bed at night, experiencing the first manic episode of my life, namely with a sexually transmitted disease into the bargain. As time went by I ended up being as depressed as before, just high as hell. Now I tend to avoid ket as it makes me feel disorientated when I do too much of it, leading sometimes to very uncomfortable near-death experiences.
Can't say much about the other drugs. Cocaine is soooo expensive and awfully overrated; uppers in general are not my cup of tea as they don't seem to affect me much - actually they give me almost only side effects, such as awful mouth ulcers on the tongue, painful swollen lips, as well as cold sores (but that's me, everyone's different and some others seem to enjoy them a lot more than I do). As for all drugs that mess with serotonin (especially psychedelics), it's plain simple: I can't feel a thing. I'm totally insensitive to LSD, magic shrooms/truffles, 2-CB, etc. That's a shame because some friends of mine describe them as cool af. I felt something on MDMA only twice, and had to take a shitton of it - now I can't feel a thing even with seven pills, not even my bladder lol (MDMA is an antidiuretic). Some friends of mine are begging me to try hero doses of LSD and truffles and they're even ready to pay for them, but to me that's pure and plain waste. Oh well.

I hope you find this (very) long post informative! I was very glad to open up about this topic (I am autistic and drugs are one of my favorite special interests). If you ever need more information, feel free to ask me anything, whether it be on this thread or in my PMs!
Peace

EDIT: I almost forgot about weed. Makes my traumas vivid so I tend to avoid smoking alone as well.
But everyone is different and to each their own! To try is the only way to know. Research harm reduction thoroughly before getting your hands on drugs of any kind.

 

[PhDone]

I feel trapped in my life but also trapped and prevented from ctb. And of course, trapped in the sense that I can't tell anybody about my desire to put an end to my life and so have no choice but to bear it alone. I just spend my days walking around like a reanimated corpse without a soul trying to convince everyone else I'm normal and one of them, and engaging in self-destructive habits to make this possible by numbing the way I really feel inside.

This makes a lot of sense to me. The trap is so multi-layered. And we end up carrying all the thoughts and pain inside, learning how to fake it when needed, learning how to disconnect when in company, knowing in the background we have a kindov secret life going on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so trapped in this cruel, painful existence, I suffer so much from how I cannot just painlessly die in peace, all I wish and hope for is to never exist again, it really feels like I've suffered so much for so long but more than anything I wish I never suffered in the first place. Personally it terrifies me how a human can exist for so long just to be tormented by old age, I'd never wish for that but rather I just hope and wish for peace from all the suffering.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

Well, opiates (especially oxycodone and heroin) are my favourite drugs, but be very careful with the amounts - at the beginning in particular - as you never know how strong your innate tolerance is, and, as much as you want to CTB, you may want to do it in your own terms. Always have the antidote, naloxone, close at hand, and never use alone: if you respect these conditions you have a near-0% chance to OD.
Opiates made me feel kinda normal, that is to say, how I imagine what not having depression feels like. I wrote and recorded two EPs and two albums under the influence of oxy/heroin. That was pure bliss. That feeling eventually weakened and withered as tolerance rose, but heroin is still making my life at least bearable. If you're as lucky as I am - like 15% of the human population - you won't feel any withdrawal symptoms: afaik it's pure hell. And contrary to popular belief - including here - you don't become addicted immediately after you've snorted your first line: tolerance builds up remarkably fast, you get hooked to it very easily, but let's not depict it as worse than it truly is. I let two friends of mine try heroin, they did not like it and never used again.
Pregabaline is really, really fun to mess with too: costs next to nothing (0,30€/pill on DNMs, 1-2€/pill on the street - you need as little as 2 300mg pills at the beginning to get a nice trip, and past 5 pills you reach some kind of plateau as your tolerance builds up), lasts very long (up to 24 hours), nice euphoria, no notable long-lasting side effects afaik. It messes with your fine motor skills though so never drive a car when you got some in your blood, you simply couldn't avoid a potentially lethal accident - and once again, as much as you want to CTB, you might wanna do it in your own terms.
Ketamine can be nice: I did DIY ket therapy for a while for my severe treatment-resistant depression and it worked so well that I went from microdosing and feeling damn good to doing up to 5 grams a day, thus almost destroying my bladder and pissing my bed at night, experiencing the first manic episode of my life, namely with a sexually transmitted disease into the bargain. As time went by I ended up being as depressed as before, just high as hell. Now I tend to avoid ket as it makes me feel disorientated when I do too much of it, leading sometimes to very uncomfortable near-death experiences.
Can't say much about the other drugs. Cocaine is soooo expensive and awfully overrated; uppers in general are not my cup of tea as they don't seem to affect me much - actually they give me almost only side effects, such as awful mouth ulcers on the tongue, painful swollen lips, as well as cold sores (but that's me, everyone's different and some others seem to enjoy them a lot more than I do). As for all drugs that mess with serotonin (especially psychedelics), it's plain simple: I can't feel a thing. I'm totally insensitive to LSD, magic shrooms/truffles, 2-CB, etc. That's a shame because some friends of mine describe them as cool af. I felt something on MDMA only twice, and had to take a shitton of it - now I can't feel a thing even with seven pills, not even my bladder lol (MDMA is an antidiuretic). Some friends of mine are begging me to try hero doses of LSD and truffles and they're even ready to pay for them, but to me that's pure and plain waste. Oh well.

I hope you find this (very) long post informative! I was very glad to open up about this topic (I am autistic and drugs are one of my favorite special interests). If you ever need more information, feel free to ask me anything, whether it be on this thread or in my PMs!
Peace

EDIT: I almost forgot about weed. Makes my traumas vivid so I tend to avoid smoking alone as well.
But everyone is different and to each their own! To try is the only way to know. Research harm reduction thoroughly before getting your hands on drugs of any kind.

oh man...where can i listen this albums?!

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

Well, opiates (especially oxycodone and heroin) are my favourite drugs, but be very careful with the amounts - at the beginning in particular - as you never know how strong your innate tolerance is, and, as much as you want to CTB, you may want to do it in your own terms. Always have the antidote, naloxone, close at hand, and never use alone: if you respect these conditions you have a near-0% chance to OD.
Opiates made me feel kinda normal, that is to say, how I imagine what not having depression feels like. I wrote and recorded two EPs and two albums under the influence of oxy/heroin. That was pure bliss. That feeling eventually weakened and withered as tolerance rose, but heroin is still making my life at least bearable. If you're as lucky as I am - like 15% of the human population - you won't feel any withdrawal symptoms: afaik it's pure hell. And contrary to popular belief - including here - you don't become addicted immediately after you've snorted your first line: tolerance builds up remarkably fast, you get hooked to it very easily, but let's not depict it as worse than it truly is. I let two friends of mine try heroin, they did not like it and never used again.
Pregabaline is really, really fun to mess with too: costs next to nothing (0,30€/pill on DNMs, 1-2€/pill on the street - you need as little as 2 300mg pills at the beginning to get a nice trip, and past 5 pills you reach some kind of plateau as your tolerance builds up), lasts very long (up to 24 hours), nice euphoria, no notable long-lasting side effects afaik. It messes with your fine motor skills though so never drive a car when you got some in your blood, you simply couldn't avoid a potentially lethal accident - and once again, as much as you want to CTB, you might wanna do it in your own terms.
Ketamine can be nice: I did DIY ket therapy for a while for my severe treatment-resistant depression and it worked so well that I went from microdosing and feeling damn good to doing up to 5 grams a day, thus almost destroying my bladder and pissing my bed at night, experiencing the first manic episode of my life, namely with a sexually transmitted disease into the bargain. As time went by I ended up being as depressed as before, just high as hell. Now I tend to avoid ket as it makes me feel disorientated when I do too much of it, leading sometimes to very uncomfortable near-death experiences.
Can't say much about the other drugs. Cocaine is soooo expensive and awfully overrated; uppers in general are not my cup of tea as they don't seem to affect me much - actually they give me almost only side effects, such as awful mouth ulcers on the tongue, painful swollen lips, as well as cold sores (but that's me, everyone's different and some others seem to enjoy them a lot more than I do). As for all drugs that mess with serotonin (especially psychedelics), it's plain simple: I can't feel a thing. I'm totally insensitive to LSD, magic shrooms/truffles, 2-CB, etc. That's a shame because some friends of mine describe them as cool af. I felt something on MDMA only twice, and had to take a shitton of it - now I can't feel a thing even with seven pills, not even my bladder lol (MDMA is an antidiuretic). Some friends of mine are begging me to try hero doses of LSD and truffles and they're even ready to pay for them, but to me that's pure and plain waste. Oh well.

I hope you find this (very) long post informative! I was very glad to open up about this topic (I am autistic and drugs are one of my favorite special interests). If you ever need more information, feel free to ask me anything, whether it be on this thread or in my PMs!
Peace

EDIT: I almost forgot about weed. Makes my traumas vivid so I tend to avoid smoking alone as well.
But everyone is different and to each their own! To try is the only way to know. Research harm reduction thoroughly before getting your hands on drugs of any kind.

Thanks, im gonna try pregabaline once i get off benzos for a couple of weeks to avoid weird sheananigans

 

[plan c]

Despite being barely functional, I've got my ctb shopping list and schedule done just now. Now I feel no longer trapped. My soul will eventually be free

 

[PhDone]

Despite being barely functional, I've got my ctb shopping list and schedule done just now. Now I feel no longer trapped. My soul will eventually be free

Thats amazing to no longer feel trapped. So you're feeling like you have the courage?

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Trapped for me is being 47 learning disabled, no job , no purpose, no family and no friends.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

Trapped for me is being 47 learning disabled, no job , no purpose, no family and no friends.

you are never alone

 

[PhDone]

you are never alone

Ditto. But yes I understand the loss of all these things too. Its amazing how connected all the people in suffering are though. So much humanity in these groups.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

Gunshot wounds to the head are fatal about 90% of the time, with many victims dying before arriving to the hospital. For victims who survive the initial trauma, about 50% die in the emergency room.
BUT , caliber and type of bullet is important, small bullets will enter your skull and have a chance to not come out and leave you in agony or not kill you at all, while full metal jacket ones will make two holes and wreck everything in his path , even exploding your head no mather if you shot your mouth or temple .
I have a gun but is my last resort for when the NCMEC Google slaves came