Discussion How to you come to terms with the fact you won’t get to do all you want to before you CTB?

[cemeteryismyhome]

There's nothing I want to do, it's all just drudgery. It might not be fair for me to say that, because I'm older and have been through some of the things that younger people might wish they could experience, and I remember what that feels like and I respect those feelings. But it just fades away into the past and doesn't matter to me.

 

[GuppyBoyo]

i dont really want to do things
just want to not exist

 

[LetMeOut67]

There were a few places I wanted to visit but what's the point. Wherever I go I can't get away from myself.
I never mastered guitar in a way that I wanted but I think that's down to concentration issues to do with severe anxiety and severe depression.
Missed out on so much but just have to accept that it was inevitable and that life really is this brutal and unfair and that there are no Hollywood endings.

 

[NoHorizon]

For me it's running. I love to run and everything that comes with it (the feeling of free movement in nature and pushing myself, the achievements, the goals and numbers and routine, the shoes), but it's such a minor reason to stay alive that it's embarrassing. I'm sad I won't be able to achieve the running goals I'm working really hard towards, but I can't manage 23 hours of the day being miserable for one hour of the day being happy.

I totally get living inside a fictional world too - I enjoy gaming and often get absorbed in books. Sometimes when I'm doing those I forget I even exist outside of the game/book and not being able to live in those places once I'm dead is a bit sad too.

There's a reasonable chance I'll (maybe impulsively) kill myself in the next few weeks so that sadness has amplified. Ultimately I cope by reminding myself that I once I no longer exist I won't be able to feel the regret or the sadness. Everything will just end.

 

[madwoman8]

For me it's running. I love to run and everything that comes with it (the feeling of free movement in nature and pushing myself, the achievements, the goals and numbers and routine, the shoes), but it's such a minor reason to stay alive that it's embarrassing. I'm sad I won't be able to achieve the running goals I'm working really hard towards, but I can't manage 23 hours of the day being miserable for one hour of the day being happy.

I totally get living inside a fictional world too - I enjoy gaming and often get absorbed in books. Sometimes when I'm doing those I forget I even exist outside of the game/book and not being able to live in those places once I'm dead is a bit sad too.

There's a reasonable chance I'll (maybe impulsively) kill myself in the next few weeks so that sadness has amplified. Ultimately I cope by reminding myself that I once I no longer exist I won't be able to feel the regret or the sadness. Everything will just end.

I get that. Sending love esp for last para - I do want peace for you but I don't wish it to be impulsive - personally think it's important to make sure you really wanna go but everyone has to make peace with whatever is best for them. Hope things get better for you though.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I have a small bucket list and traveling to one foreign place is on it, but I've come to turns life is running out. I've made peace with it.

For me, wrapping things up involves deleting all my accounts and social media, and this will be the last one I have. On the day I go, I will delete this account, but hope to donate money to keep it going so others get help. It feels like such a beautiful way to leave, to have the one place on earth where I pretty felt safe to be the last place online I will be ever. It will be healing for me as I fade.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, I definitely have come to terms with that, and in fact, there are some bucket list items and fantasies that I have that I want fulfilled, but knowing that it's really infeasible or unlikely to happen, it's just another push towards CTB. That isn't that say the lack of fulfillment is the main reason or reasons, but rather yet another push towards eventual CTB. It's not a matter of if for me, but rather when.

 

[nuva]

I'm disappointed not only that I won't see the continuation of my favorite stories, but also that I won't be able to draw. It was my favorite hobby, but the longer I feel this emptiness, the harder it is for me to just pick up the stylus, I don't even remember where I put it last time. I feel like I'm missing out on so many opportunities to draw something good, but I just don't have the strength to do it.
I'm so lazy, and it upsets me.

 

[Cauliflour]

I scream at myself whenever I have thoughts of killing myself before I've finished making all the stuff I want to make. Although that voice has died so now it's pretty much spite and the fact I wanna play through all chapters of Deltarune.

 

[madwoman8]

I'm disappointed not only that I won't see the continuation of my favorite stories, but also that I won't be able to draw. It was my favorite hobby, but the longer I feel this emptiness, the harder it is for me to just pick up the stylus, I don't even remember where I put it last time. I feel like I'm missing out on so many opportunities to draw something good, but I just don't have the strength to do it.
I'm so lazy, and it upsets me.

It's not laziness, it's depression - it makes it hard to do things from self care to hobbies and more. I'm sorry

 

[nuva]

It's not laziness, it's depression - it makes it hard to do things from self care to hobbies and more. I'm sorry

thank u
this condition really makes me feel like a zombie.
I guess I just needed to hear something like that and it made me want to cry, I don't know why lol

 

[madwoman8]

thank u
this condition really makes me feel like a zombie.
I guess I just needed to hear something like that and it made me want to cry, I don't know why lol

I do refer to it sometimes as being in zombie mode. & thank you for sharing that my comment meant something, made me feel I matter a bit. We feel like we are so alone in what we are battling & we are so hard on ourselves so that makes sense to me. I hope you'll show yourself some kindness that you are doing the best you can and hope something can provide some relief from your thoughts where it feels okay. Maybe reading comics might give you a peace of what you love about drawing bc there's other ways to appreciate something you care about. Heartstopper web comics is free on webtoon and one of my favorites and the show is so good too and comforting. It's okay to not be okay.

 

[jazzcat621]

I've done most of the things I want to do before I CTB, among one of the last to do is traveling the nation in an rv, a bit of a final adventure. I think one of the best ways to at least come to terms with what I can't do is by making what I can do spectacular.

 

[Lyn]

The further I go on, the more everything seems banal and devoid of any meaning. Just getting more and more tired.
The only question that remains is whether it makes any sense at all. Well at least not for the subjective observer.

 

[Dejected 55]

I know what you mean... If I could realistically do all the things, then I wouldn't be planning on killing myself. It's the very fact that I can't do all the things I want to do in life that are driving me towards this end. Everything has become so pointless.