I am spiritual, but not particularly religious. I have, however, thought long and hard on the subject of the meaning of life, what would make sense,
what doesn't...insofar anything about this crazy life and world of ours makes sense.
So no, I can't and won't be quoting scripture. I can however be more honest than most theologians by saying "I simply don't know. God/Allah/Jahweh/Vishnu/The Great Spaghetti Monster never showed his or her or it's face to me, or spoke to me.
A punitive deity also seems strange to me. Heck, even among theologians there are fierce debates whether even Judas was a sinner, as it was foretold he would betray
Jesus. If it was foretold, and therefore part of God's plan, how could he be blamed - some argue.
To focus less on Biblical stories, (criminal) psychologists commonly recognize (criminal) behavior stems from either chemical inbalances in the brain or, quite simply, people becoming products of their environment. How then can you reasonably assign agency and self-determination? Not to be an apologist for criminals, but it does leave you to wonder.
"Okay Madison, hard to argue so far..." I hear you think, well not really, but to cleverly keep steering this post in a certain direction "....but what then, is this believe system of yours?"
Quite simply, I feel the only thing that makes any kind of sense, what would make any kind of 'divine justice' and which more or less ties in with our scientific understanding of the universe is this. We are, indeed, made of star stuff, we are a part of the natural evolution of the universe, our body containing (among other things) heavier elements that could only have been forged through super-novae. Iron, magnesium and so on.
For all our shortcomings we are our own Gods, angels, demons and so forth. Insofar heaven and hell exist, it is up to us which one of those we create, here on Earth - on this little pale, blue dot of ours (to quote Carl Sagan).
It might be weird, but for someone who is suicidal, I am rooting for reïncarnation, and that too is the only thing that makes sense to me. That we learn through multiple lifetimes, that this is the driving force behind evolution. That a collective, learning force drives us forward (or backwards) and that we are responsible and the repositories of our collective knowledge. And yes, in that sense we'll reap what we sow - do we put our collective willpower and intelligence and ingenuity to create a just world for all, not knowing as who or where we'll come back, or do we create an unequal world? A living hell of over-consumerism? A burning, practically unliveable planet?
In my heart of hearts I do believe in this, or if not that, hope for this - though I do worry we're very much on a path of turing this planet, and our lives, into an actual hell of a super-heated planet, forest fires, acidic oceans, where demons (Trump, Putin, Xi Jiping and many more besides) rule.
Make of this rant what you will, but I don't think a just God, or a just universe would punish someone for taking their own life. Heck, in many cultures suicide is considered an honorable act. It is mainly a western and Middle-Eastern (monotheistic) belief system. And how then should we feel about Jewish prisoners in WWII concentration camps? Who saw no other recourse but to commit suicide and spare themselves absolutely inhumane anguish? How should we feel about Hitler? Who, for all our fantasies about time travel and killing Hitler, was the only guy who actually managed to kill Hitler. Or how about human rights advocates, resistance fighters in many wars and so on, who opted to commit suicide rather than face torture and the very real prospect of not being able to not betray their cause under duress and torture? Or, for that matter, how should we feel about any soldier, in any army, anywhere? Who knowingly charges into the enemy. Isn't that a form of possible, pre-meditated suicide?