Discussion How to minimize harm/trauma to my children?

[bananacrackers]

I know that children of parents who die by suicide suffer significant trauma, unfortunately moreso than if their parent died of cancer or a heart attack.

No matter how old the child, there will be harm/trauma. But I think, maybe, certain ages are more vulnerable than others - like, some years of school are more intense and important, and a trauma like this could have more of a negative impact than in other years (either earlier or later).

My children are 15 and 17. I know whenever I do this, it will hurt them; but if I want to reduce the chance of that hurt completely ruining their lives, how old do I need to wait for them to be? I am thinking 19 or 20, but I would like to know what others think.

It feels like now would be the *worst* time to inflict this on them - the older one needs to write college applications in the fall. On the other hand, I have made it through to the end of their school year this year, and maybe that's enough. I don't know if I can last any longer. If I end things now they'll have the summer to deal with it before returning to school.

Give me some perspective please.

 

[leftdreaming]

I hate to say it because I know this isn't what you want to hear, but waiting seems ideal. There's no easy answer to your question, nor do I think there ever will be.

You are right that this is one of the worst times to leave your children. I don't know the statistics on this, but I think it's common knowledge that the teen years are a time of drastic change, searching for oneself, and for your 17 year old it's a big transition period into adulthood. Now the bad thing is that the transition into adulthood is no short process and depending on who it is this period might take anywhere from a year to a decade or more. Ideally, you would stick around until both your children leave the nest, yet that's not so easy.

It's clear you love them dearly, so tell me about them and the relationship you have with both of them. I don't want to leave you without doing anything to help, so I think more information is vital here. Of course, if you aren't comfortable with that, I understand.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Well, if you have a good relationship with them, it's going to traumatize them no matter what age. However, if they're still dependent on me, I'd wait until they were around 24 or 25 years of age and well able to depend on themselves. That's just me, though. It sounds like you're set on doing this, so that's all up to you. This is just what I'd do in this situation. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and clarity in your soul.

 

[Aisley]

My situation isn't yours, but I'm waiting until mine is 'self-sustaining', and I tell myself that I'll know what that means when I see it. A summer to 'deal with it' isn't enough, btw. This will take a few years, I would think.

 

[unlucky_crow6667]

Until they are fully independent be it emotionally and financially from you ..
So suck it up until then .
At their mid twenties maybe.
But well , to minimize the impact i hope you really raised them well to live on their own .

 

[AngelRosrom]

Sorry to use this space, I have something like you, but different, I'm M34 have 2 daughters 7 and 12, they live with their mom, I see them once or twice a month I love them and I know they love me, but things change and I feel it, Could this affect them? (Ctb) Should I let them know or leave a note? Can't be with them anymore and I'm done.

 

[ForgottenTomb]

I'm about to give some cliche advice here, but taking it one year at a time and seeing what happens is both a good approach for you and your children. Thinking about the future while you're in a state of unbearable suffering will always be daunting to you.

With that out of the way: Your children will have so many questions, so I highly advice writing them a loving and detailed note stating the following:
- How much you love them
- The reasons for your departure from this earth
- How there was nothing they could have done in the past to make the outcome any different. In fact, state
- How they have made your living experience more meaningful and loving before you passed
The more you leave out, the more questions you will leave them with. Remember that there is no such thing as 'too much writing' on notes after your passing. They will definitely be wondering if you have suffered before your departure or if you felt afraid or stuck, making your method of ctb as humane and painless as possible will minimize the trauma they will receive.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

Their brains aren't fully developed until they're 25, so wait until then.