Discussion How to help those left behind

[[NoName]]

One of the main reasons I don't want to commit suicide is how it will hurt those I love and who love me. Setting up things while I'm alive to help people along the grieving process is an important part of taking my life (if I do decide to ctb). A few concerns for me is:

1. A body to grieve over

A method of dying I've thought about it jumping off a high cliff and into the ocean, while the tide is going out. I don't want to traumatize someone when/if they discover my body. So my idea was to make it so my dead body is carried out to sea. But funerals are such a part of the grieving process. If I die, I need a way to make it so my family/friends/etc. don't discover my body, while keeping my body available and in good enough shape to be seen.

How are you dealing with these issues in planning your death?

2. A proper suicide note

I was reading this article and saw how important a suicide note can be. And how devastating. Just wanted to post in case anyone was thinking about/in the process of writing one .
https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html#section-5.

 

[TiredHorse]

A body to grieve over

I thought about going over the side of a ferry in deep (600'+) water, with enough weights to make sure the body wasn't ever found. In the end I decided the question mark of my disappearance would be more traumatic than the sight of my corpse.

2. A proper suicide note

I've written pages and pages. I agree that they need to be approached thoughtfully, but for me, writing them has been an important element of steadying myself and saying farewell.

 

[Empty Smile]

Honestly, there is no way to help those you leave behind. No amount of time will heal the pain. That saying you've heard, "Time heals all pain", is a crock of shit.

A note or no note will not make a difference. I do not plan on leaving one. Everyone who knows me knows I'm suicidal. They have now come up with the phrase "It's not a matter of if he's going to do it, but a matter of when."

I think it's gotten to the point now that no one calls or stops by, because no one wants to be the one to find my body.

 

[[NoName]]

Honestly, there is no way to help those you leave behind. No amount of time will heal the pain. That saying you've heard, "Time heals all pain", is a crock of shit.

A note or no note will not make a difference. I do not plan on leaving one. Everyone who knows me knows I'm suicidal. They have now come up with the phrase "It's not a matter of if he's going to do it, but a matter of when."

I think it's gotten to the point now that no one calls or stops by, because no one wants to be the one to find my body.

I'd agree that there will always be pain, a note can make a difference. But, if people already know why you're doing what you are a note would not make a difference.

An example given from the link I posted,

"As another example, in one note, the writer, as part of saying goodbye to his sister, wished that she be the best piano player she could be. The writer was just wishing her success in what she had already chosen. However, this was interpreted as a will. Subsequently, the sister, under the burden of fulfilling the will, could not approach the piano.

It is as if a "ghost" was left behind to watch over the performance of the sister. Such a ghost does not allow one to accept the new situation, instead one is constantly reminded of the ghost's presence and is forced to deal with it."

 

[onewayroad]

Honestly, there is no way to help those you leave behind. No amount of time will heal the pain. That saying you've heard, "Time heals all pain", is a crock of shit.

A note or no note will not make a difference. I do not plan on leaving one. Everyone who knows me knows I'm suicidal. They have now come up with the phrase "It's not a matter of if he's going to do it, but a matter of when."

I think it's gotten to the point now that no one calls or stops by, because no one wants to be the one to find my body.

I think time does reduce pain quite a lot, but it doesn't necessarily heal it. I'm reminded of the song The Persistence of Loss, which is a pretty instrumental track but I agree with the title, pain might fade or change over time but loss is persistent.

I'd agree that there will always be pain, a note can make a difference. But, if people already know why you're doing what you are a note would not make a difference.

An example given from the link I posted,

"As another example, in one note, the writer, as part of saying goodbye to his sister, wished that she be the best piano player she could be. The writer was just wishing her success in what she had already chosen. However, this was interpreted as a will. Subsequently, the sister, under the burden of fulfilling the will, could not approach the piano.

It is as if a "ghost" was left behind to watch over the performance of the sister. Such a ghost does not allow one to accept the new situation, instead one is constantly reminded of the ghost's presence and is forced to deal with it."

I think a note will make a difference even if people know what you're doing, as long as it contains information or sentiments that you have not expressed to those people. And that link you posted is pretty interesting, thanks. But it's very speculative, it's a lot of interesting ideas about writing a suicide note but they are mainly just ideas. I will read through all of it though because some of those ideas seem quite helpful.

Writing ideas are useful to me because I'm not going to ctb until I've tried every alternative so I have probably another year, and I'm using that time to write a note to all of the people closest to me in my life. That's 30+ notes haha

I'm also writing a general letter that addresses all of the details to anyone who wants to read it.

 

[Empty Smile]

I'd agree that there will always be pain, a note can make a difference. But, if people already know why you're doing what you are a note would not make a difference.

An example given from the link I posted,

"As another example, in one note, the writer, as part of saying goodbye to his sister, wished that she be the best piano player she could be. The writer was just wishing her success in what she had already chosen. However, this was interpreted as a will. Subsequently, the sister, under the burden of fulfilling the will, could not approach the piano.

It is as if a "ghost" was left behind to watch over the performance of the sister. Such a ghost does not allow one to accept the new situation, instead one is constantly reminded of the ghost's presence and is forced to deal with it."

My thought on a note is, no matter how you write it, no matter how much time and effort you put into it, the person you address it to is going to be hit the hardest. They will take the blunt of the trauma and blame themselves. The same as if you do not put one specific person, but "to whom it may concern", everyone will he wondering who did what, and what could have prevented it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing your thoughts, I just really don't see the need for a note. You're gone, a note you leave behind isn't going to ease the pain any better.

 

[onewayroad]

My thought on a note is, no matter how you write it, no matter how much time and effort you put into it, the person you address it to is going to be hit the hardest. They will take the blunt of the trauma and blame themselves. The same as if you do not put one specific person, but "to whom it may concern", everyone will he wondering who did what, and what could have prevented it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing your thoughts, I just really don't see the need for a note. You're gone, a note you leave behind isn't going to ease the pain any better.

I think it depends entirely on your situation and what you write in the note. I mean, put it this way. Let's say you're in Belgium and you're being euthanized for chronic mental illness. You would be able to talk to your family and loved ones, tell them that you're sorry no treatment worked on you, say goodbye and tell them that you love them. That seems better to me than just disappearing without any explanation, and a well written note is the next best thing.

 

[Empty Smile]

I think it depends entirely on your situation and what you write in the note. I mean, put it this way. Let's say you're in Belgium and you're being euthanized for chronic mental illness. You would be able to talk to your family and loved ones, tell them that you're sorry no treatment worked on you, say goodbye and tell them that you love them. That seems better to me than just disappearing without any explanation, and a well written note is the next best thing.

I agree with your last sentence, but in a case like mine, I could disappear and not a single person would bat an eye.

 

[onewayroad]

I agree with your last sentence, but in a case like mine, I could disappear and not a single person would bat an eye.

Yeah, it definitely depends on the situation. I'm sorry to hear that, although I suppose it makes suicide a lot easier for you. I am extremely lucky and have a lot of people who care about me, but I am also quite unwell mentally and can't live with my mental illness forever. So it's note-writing for me.

 

[Empty Smile]

Well brother, I wish you well and peace. I hope your note brings peace and closure to those you leave behind.

 

[Goldie]

A body to grieve over can be important to some people, but if your only available methods involve jumping off a boat then your Ctb should take precedence.

I have thought about not writing a suicide note for the reasons that others have mentioned, but perhaps based on what you have said I should write one anyway.

 

[longingforrelease]

I really like the OP's intention here. It reminds me of a few other threads recently about what might be described as the "ethics of our suicide". Another one like this is the thread about having concern or compassion for who will find out corpse and and in what condition. I found that thread very insightful. Here's my central point: given that our nearly universal disdain for pro-lifers and their arguments is often grounded in very clear ethical arguments we ourselves make about having the right to determine the timing and circumstances of how we end pain and suffering we find intolerable, it makes sense to me that, for me at least, I have some ethical obligation to try to do whatever is within my power to limit, however, modestly, the pain and suffering endured by those I would leave behind. I have spoken on other threads that the primary consideration that complicates my movement toward the decision to ctb is how my death will impact my 11 year old daughter. After some review of the medical literature on the impact of childhood trauma like the death of a parent on life-long emotional and even physical health, I noticed that there seems to be some agreement that death of a parent by suicide is indeed more traumatic for children (higher risk of their own suicide, rates of depression, etc.) than other forms of unexpected death (car accident, etc.). That encouraged me to seek methods that will make my death look accidental. Now I agree with everyone here that the ones I leave behind will still grieve and some of them terribly and I can't avoid that (but I do think I should care about this fact). But one thing I can do is try to minimize those negative effects by choosing a method that will not force her to endure what many refer to as the "complex grief" uniquely associated with suicide. Having decided on a method that will look accidental, I was confronted with another dilemma. I couldn't very well leave a note to my daughter assuring her that her daddy loved her very much, that she brought great joy to my life and that I'm sorry for my part in the destruction of our family, my life and all that had given meaning to my life. Whether a note could, in fact, have the intended effects I'd seek appears to be the subject of disagreement here, but the OP's attachment does make a pretty convincing case that a well crafted note that takes into consideration certain dos and don'ts could in fact offer some assistance to my daughter in her grief process. But again, I can't do that if it is going to look like an accident. So some of the best advice I've received here at SS is that instead of a suicide note, I can start a journal in which I share all these feelings about my daughter, talk to her in my writing even, recalling the memories that give me the greatest joy, etc. Basically such a journal left behind in an easy to find location would likely go to my elderly parents who upon seeing the contents would no doubt share it with my daughter. So it seems to me, and I speak only for myself, that I do have an ethical or moral obligation to consider the effects of my death on those I leave behind, and therefore to do what is in my power to approach my chosen death in ways that at least have some potential to minimize their trauma,

 

[longingforrelease]

Here's a somewhat difficult to read medical review of research on suicide bereavement compared to other unexpected/accidental deaths. To gain access to the article you have to do a free registration. But I found the article illuminating.