how to handle other people's pain

[you cant find me]

not sure where to post this. just wanted to try to put my thoughts into words.

My life isn't bad. It's probably better than most of the people here. I have a loving family, who are financially very well off and willing to pay for everything. I have no physical disabilities and no mental illnesses or disorders (that I know of, at least). I have never been bullied, assaulted, molested, or anything of the sort. I have never been in an abusive relationship. I've barely ever even been unable to sleep for any reason. I could go on and on.

I am depressed, though it's more of a general numbness, dissociation and anhedonia than crying and screaming and being in agony all the time. I am unhappy with my own life because I have never had the motivation to do anything with my life or even pursue any interests. I'm just floating and disappointing everyone. Pretty standard stuff that I could probably fix in therapy.

But I'm also depressed because I'm surrounded by people who aren't as lucky as me. People with chronic pain or BPD or bipolar or OCD, people who have had extremely abusive families or who have been in sexually abusive relationships. People who are financially unstable and have to work 60 hours a week or starve or both. People who are up all night crying and feeling like they're dying from anxiety or depression. Did I mention I've never even had a panic attack? I'm probably the only one I know to not have one.

And this is all in a first-world country. The lovely Internet informs me that things are a thousand times worse for everyone else. I can't even imagine what life is like for a child working in a sweatshop in Indonesia. Or someone getting trafficked. Or someone who's about to get his face cut off because he fucked up with a drug cartel. Or even a pig in a factory farm...!

How do people not let this affect them, even if they are like me and have never experienced any suffering for themselves? Why do people want to continue living on a planet that has hosted nothing but pain and suffering for billions of years? I feel guilty for my pampered existence, and I feel horrible that suffering is so widespread and accepted. I wish everyone was as sheltered as me. Or I wish I could kill myself so I wouldn't have to think about it. Part of why I am so numb is because my brain can't handle reality and built up a wall to desensitize me to everything. But it just makes things worse because now I don't see why life is worth living, I only see the pain.

I can't even be a good friend now, because every time someone brings up their problems I get extremely triggered and just lash out or shut down.

I just don't understand how people handle this world, and I don't know how therapy could even begin to help me because it's not a problem in my own life. I feel like a therapist would just tell me to "stop thinking about it" or "try not to let it affect me" but I already do this and it's a terrible coping mechanism. It just builds up behind that wall in my brain until it seeps under or bursts through.

Does anyone else have a similar problem? How do you handle it? Maybe this isn't the best place to ask because we're all suicidal but I don't really know where else to talk about this.

 

[Hollowillow]

Joiiiin us in the abyyyssss

I think most people use denial, positive thinking, religions, lack of empathy, greed, booze...

I find solace when someone understand my pain.

I don't really understand why you freak out & lash out. Maybe pain gives life meaning. When I'm not in agony, it'd bliss... tiny things can feel like like treasures when you finally have something... Earning a reward gives pride...

Maybe you are repressing abuse... Maybe you're bored... Maybe you're scared to fall in the abyss.

Try a hobby?

Maybe you're malnourished because your oarents would rather both work to buy bling than cook you a real meal & feed you frozen crap & canned shit.

Not sure... I envy you so freaking badly. Rub it in my face, hahaha! But I know the rich feel empty... Shalliw perfect to look good to neighboors, without actual affection. Just some pretty child in a magazine, one more must have object in the standard american dream... I hated my white picked fense... My mom tried to look perfect but she never hugged me.

Neglect can be the worst abuse of all.

Maybe your heart us in pain but not allowed because your cage is pretty... Maybe you snap at people who complain because they open a door to admit we feel miserable... In our perfect photos...

I don't know. But I'm happier in the abyss than in perfection. I could do without physical agony though...

 

[callme]

Life in a thrid world isn't as black and white and as grotesque as you are led to believe and that is what makes it awful. Life as developed as in Europe itself is bad enough. That is what many of the well-off will never get. I am in Eastern Europe and deal with teenage gang threats in my job alone, and it's customer service at night.

Well, I can think of a way although not a good one - to view their pain as lesser than it already is. I think we already naturally do it because we often underestimate what it takes when it's not ourselves on and we have a completely different problem. In other case, you could do the oppoaite andnsee the person as stronger and having a light in the tunnel ahead more than they really are.


People are meant to form societies and group and conform to rules yet we re naturally indifferent and plain don't give a damn about each other. Funny how that works.

 

[you cant find me]

Neglect can be the worst abuse of all.

No neglect. Idyllic, supportive parents, who just also happen to be financially stable. I wish they were neglectful so I wouldn't feel as guilty for having a perfect life.

I can't pursue any hobbies because i have no motivation to do anything, even go outside. Maybe depression, maybe undiagnosed ADD or something, maybe just laziness. But im useless and can't do anything about it.

I think I freak out and lash out because I feel guilty that there's so much pain in the world and I'm reminded of it when my friends bring up their own part of it. I'm not sure.

 

[timf]

Sometimes prosperity and comfort can be one of the worst environments to find yourself in. Hardship has a tendency to narrow one's focus on survival. People with many options often find themselves jaded and can turn to all sorts of self-destructive indulgences.

On the old TV program, "All in the Family" Archie Bunker was listening to people talk about their investments. When asked about his investments he responded, "All my money is tied up in staying alive".

One can read in history how various aristocrats used their comfortable circumstances to their own disadvantage. Now that the economies of the world have expanded to include a much larger portion of the population, many more people have to face the problems that used to be restricted to the nobility.

One method that was used was noblesse oblige (the obligations of the nobility) to care for those who created their wealth. This might be seen from a stoic perspective of virtue and duty or from a Christian perspective of service.

You might find some solace in volunteer work which might alleviate some of the problem of prosperity, that of excessive self-focus.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Hi there. This is an interesting one. I'm by no means an expert so take what I say however you will, but I feel like through the magic of externalization, you have already started the process of untangling your own ball of yarn. Let's look:

You start off by saying that you don't have any serious problems, including mental, and that you're

just floating and disappointing everyone

which to me is already indicative of a problem, life-threatening or not: you see something wrong with your behaviour, either by internal judgement or accepting potential judgement of others. Then you go on to detail all of the legitimately horrible circumstances many in the world face, including many around you (as an aside I'm curious about your environment in which you are as well off as you are but have so many troubled close contacts!). In fact, you find it so bad that you

wish I could kill myself so I wouldn't have to think about it.

Sorry to say, but this is a pretty significant mental issue! Haha. Not going to sugarcoat it. Suicidality is not normal, not in the judgemental sense but in, y'know, bio-evolution and all that. Sure fleeting thoughts are one thing, but you are a member of a suicide forum. Think about that. You go on to say that your

brain can't handle reality and built up a wall to desensitize me to everything. But it just makes things worse because now I don't see why life is worth living, I only see the pain.

which again, almost moreso because of your stable circumstances, is pretty atypical - it's one thing if you live this reality yourself but when it's just proximal? Though maybe these people in your life you described are really quite close to you. However...

every time someone brings up their problems I get extremely triggered and just lash out or shut down

This one stands out. Why? Obviously not because it reminds you of your own troubled life, assuming it is indeed as idyllic as you have described. Empathy or at least sympathy are a much more standard human response to this kind of thing, unless perhaps there is something more going on of which we aren't aware (spoiler: my theory is there is).

In fact, things are so bad that you finish in saying

I don't know how therapy could even begin to help me because it's not a problem in my own life. I feel like a therapist would just tell me to "stop thinking about it" or "try not to let it affect me"

despite having said back at the beginning that what you're dealing with is

Pretty standard stuff that I could probably fix in therapy.

So which is it? I'm not an advocate for blindly going into "Therapy" with the expectation that it'll solve everything (you need a skilled practitioner with whom you have a rapport for starters), but from what I'm seeing here there is a lot under the surface of which you're only partially aware, and a good therapist will help you dredge this crap up and process it. I'm not knowledgeable or well-rested enough right now to be able to point to any in particular (and again I'm not an advocate of pathologizing) but some of what you've described and the way you talk about certain things is reminiscent of some known "disorders".

But again, I only have as much of the story as you've given and am not a pro. Besides looking into therapy of some king, as some others here have already written, I think volunteer or service work might be good use of time, energy and the resources you have. You have the ability to exert a positive influence on the world, however small, and doing so may bring about a beneficial change in yourself.

Best of luck.

 

[you cant find me]

You start off by saying that you don't have any serious problems, including mental

i don't have serious mental problems--other than general depression and this obsession with pain. which i guess is a significant difference. but i like to brush off my own issues because i'm able to ignore them and remain (mostly) functional in my job and social life. i'm not fucked in the way that someone with, say, bpd is, where they can't turn off their emotions and are tortured by it every day. the wall in my brain that i mentioned keeps me functional. i have become very, very good at not thinking about anything.

Empathy or at least sympathy are a much more standard human response to this kind of thing

I think I lash out because I have too much empathy or something, as stupid as that sounds. I feel horrible that someone should have to go through (whatever they just told me), so horrible that it ruins my day and sometimes multiple days. I shut down because I'm instantly depressed, or lash out because I was having a decent day before my friend thought they could confide in me. (Again, this makes it hard to be a good friend.)


When I was talking about 'standard stuff' that therapy could help, I meant the usual fare--feeling worthless, lonely, etc etc. this is sort of the exception, lol

You might find some solace in volunteer work which might alleviate some of the problem of prosperity, that of excessive self-focus.

You have the ability to exert a positive influence on the world, however small, and doing so may bring about a beneficial change in yourself.

I have done some light volunteer work in the past, but it seems pointless in the face of the sheer amount of pain and suffering in the world. Even if I dedicated my life to helping others, the amount of pain would barely lessen. I would still feel tormented and hopelessly small.

Another interesting thing I forgot to mention:

Sometimes I fantasize about being a sort of second Christ and absorbing everyone's pain so I'm the only one who suffers. It used to be so that I could help people, but now I just feel like I should have to experience every pain that has ever been inflicted on a living creature to...even the score? It doesn't really make sense. It used to be just "i wish my parents hated me so i wouldn't feel guilty about my life being too good" but now I read about people being boiled alive and obsess over how that must have felt, and how maybe I can burn some part of myself to pay it back. I don't actually go through with it because I'm not that far gone, but I don't think people normally obsess over this. Maybe it's some imposter syndrome that rotted and mutated in my brain because I didn't address it in time.

I think I'm going to go to therapy soon. Even if it doesn't help--I'm hoping it will, even if I'm skeptical of therapy and psychiatry as a whole--it will be fun to see a professional try to figure me out. And volunteer work probably WOULD help with the guilt, if not everything else.

 

[Hollowillow]

No neglect. Idyllic, supportive parents, who just also happen to be financially stable. I wish they were neglectful so I wouldn't feel as guilty for having a perfect life.

I can't pursue any hobbies because i have no motivation to do anything, even go outside. Maybe depression, maybe undiagnosed ADD or something, maybe just laziness. But im useless and can't do anything about it.

I think I freak out and lash out because I feel guilty that there's so much pain in the world and I'm reminded of it when my friends bring up their own part of it. I'm not sure.

Society gives all those cruel labels to people who are exhausted but you don't have to slap the labels all over your face... It's ok to be tired. Everyone is on the SAD (standard american diet). I think every idealist goes through a soul crushing moment realizing the world is hell & we can't save it all. You still can save someone a luttle, yourself, from the mean labels with compassion, it will be one small spark of change. They add up. You're not lazy, you're doing energy preservation. I consider SS my hobby. You have it too :)

 

[Salvation_]

I cope through my hobby of writing. I think I'd be dead already if I didn't have a method of coping

 

[Arrow]

i don't have serious mental problems--other than general depression and this obsession with pain.

This is a serious mental problem. It's completely okay to admit you have a problem. I genuinely don't want to be rude but this level of denial you're in is so jarring that this sentence alone made me question whether you're actually being serious or not. I mean...you're on a suicide forum with the rest of us, you're talking about how you don't see how people would want to keep living in a world that's just suffering, you said you wished you could kill yourself so you don't have to think about it, you think you're disappointing everyone, you think having too much empathy causes you to lash out when that isn't really what having empathy means, etc.

You can have well off financially stable parents and still have a serious problem. You can be BPD free and still have a problem. You can have supportive peers and never have a panic attack in your whole life, and still have a problem. I couldn't help but notice you bring these things up as if they prove you're fine, when they don't actually prove anything. Example: I wasn't abused, my parents supported me, I rarely dealt with problems at school, and here I am.

Before you try therapy/recovery you should first admit not just that there is a problem mentally, but that there is a serious one. That's the big first step, one that I had to take too, and it wasn't easy because I used to be in deep denial as well.

but it seems pointless in the face of the sheer amount of pain and suffering in the world. Even if I dedicated my life to helping others, the amount of pain would barely lessen.

Even the smallest change counts for something. Even if it only helps one person it at least helped one person.

I wish you good luck.

 

[hamvil]

I also do not have anymore any energy left. I am just spending my days on the couch watching youtube. I am 43 and I have a silly job with an horrible working environment and a terrible boss. I sued to be very successul but I fucked it up because of anger management issues.

Yes, i live in the first world and should be happy i am not in one of the examples you mentioned, but I did not ask to be born nor I aske where I should be born. I am here and I am in pain. Yes maybe the people you mention do not have the time to get depressed because they have other problem, well i am really sorry for them but there is nothing i can do to control their life or mine.

I just feel so powerless

 

[Jimblue]

My husband has bipolar disorder and I feel it's hard and hard to handle him now.

I used to work as a support worker and I did training about how to handle people's challenge behaviours. I have worked at dementia unit and man with sexual and behaviour unit. To be honest, it's never been easy to dealing with someone else's mental illness.

There are some people with mental illness and able to hide the feeling. In this case, you don't need to deal any challenge behaviours.

People would say I am lucky because I am lucky because I born in a third world country and moved to UK to go to university. However I knew I paid different price.

I like my job but I am suffering huge amount of pain.

At movement, I am focusing on my duties. And I really wish people can understand that my mental illness is untreatable and would agree I should not live in this way.

 

[freedompass]

Hmmm. This feels kinda relevant to me right now actually. Usually I'm happy to listen to others' problems and if it's a reciprocal friendship, have them listen in return. But I just this morning blocked someone who was so miserable and facing such an overwhelming amount of hardship, past and present (at least according to them) that it actually came across quite hateful and toxic so I blocked them.

I can only take so much negativity from people. To keep a friendship you have to have something positive to say now and again or at the very least be open to feedback or suggestions but this person was next level dumping on me basically.

But yeah that person and many others, including many members here, suffer and struggle against overwhelming odds daily. Sometimes it eases my own pain because 'misery loves company', sometimes it is a sobering reminder to be grateful for what I have. I hate suffering wherever I see it. To me there is nothing redeeming about it.