Discussion How to get rid of the guilt? I'm planning to leave soon and experiencing many emotions

[Jupit3rs]

First of all, my english isn't perfect, so i apologize if i make any mistakes. (this is my first post too)
I'm planning to leave this dreary world in august, maybe september/october if things don't go so smoothly. Of course, before ending everything i'll do an intense research and preparation... in general, i know what i have to do and is such a relief. However, i'm starting to feel very guilty and i really don't want to hurt anyone. I'll be honest, I never truly connected with my family or friends, i'm thankful for them, they have help me, so I have to be, right? but at the end of the day, i will say that my feelings for them are sort of empty. Even with that being the case, I still feel like I have to stay, saving them from the suffering of grief: losing a child it's not easy, I know, it can break them forever and i guess that's why I can't shake this emotion. At the same time, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm in so much psychological pain that sometimes I truly think i'm going insane, it has gotten to a point where I cry almost daily and that take all of my energy. University isn't doing any better for me, i realized that i'm not made for this career... i wasted almost four years? anyways, sh*t is going downhill. I hate reality so much, i prefer to dream away... my identity is also shattered, idk who i am anymore. I been broken since I was a little kid, and i think it's my moment to be in peace but why? why i can't help feeling more ashamed, guilty, like an evil person for choosing my own path?
Does someone feels the same? How can I fight this? I don't want to live for others... not anymore.

- Thanks for reading regardless, i wish y'all the best

 

[veryhappyhuman]

I dont know what to tell you except that what you feel is completely normal. There are very very few in this world who ctb without any guilt. Humans have attachments by way of living in a society and attachments mean guilt. It could be family, friend, pet or anything. Unless there is a ctb trigger that's so sudden and strong to numb the guilt (like say losing your job or all life worth), it's very difficult. I struggle with the same guilt too. I've tried to take inspiration (lol) from others who left behind families but it is not very convincing. There are really only two options -- you decide to grit your teeth and wait until those you're attached to pass before you ctb, or you grit your teeth and ctb with the guilt. Others have also argued each person is responsible only for their own lives and if that's selfish then so be it. Ultimately, the decision is completely upto you and only you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could never stay alive only for others personally, I see suicide as being a human right and we have no obligations to live as we did not ask to be here in the first place, it is a personal decision when to leave. Of course I know that for many it can be painful the thought of leaving others behind and it can be a difficult situation to be in.

Maybe many people are able to overcome their guilt when they get so desperate to leave and would do anything to escape their suffering. I do not have a good answer to the question, but I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. Life really is so cruel and unfair and I know that it is hard to carry on when you do not want to be here. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

Once your gone, the guilt will go too, and in 100 years, no one who is alive now will be alive any more, so any trouble you cause won't last forever - that's how I look at it

 

[Γyuk]

Once your gone, the guilt will go too, and in 100 years, no one who is alive now will be alive any more, so any trouble you cause won't last forever - that's how I look at it

This

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

This

A visit to a really old, 300 year old graveyard can help with these thoughts, where no one visits the graves any more, because they, and every who knew them, are all dead and gone! I visit the graveyard at least a few times a week, just to reinforce this idea.

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

I dont know what to tell you except that what you feel is completely normal. There are very very few in this world who ctb without any guilt. Humans have attachments by way of living in a society and attachments mean guilt.

This is very true - we ARE social, we ARE inter-dependent, we ARE raised to feel obligations to those around us. And that is why the pro-life community push the guilt message so hard.

 

[keitaro]

this is very relatable. i personally only have one person i feel guilty leaving, but it is still difficult to get over, which just increases my suffering.

 

[eternalflame]

Maybe you should try meds. Four years of univeristy don't sound so bad, maybe it will turn around?

 

[RaspberriesLL]

Been thinking about this same question myself. It is a really hard thing to overcome, especially having seen the effects on the survivors when my good friends sister took her own life. The family has really been fractured and had a lot of problems since