Venting How to get past hope, and focus on suicide?

[Ryan.s]

Hope keeps us here. That glimmer of hope that something bigger or better might happen in our lives. That things will get better and that in the end everything will work out for the best. That is what they all say right? You're young, you have so many opportunities in life, your whole life ahead of you. Tell that to the homeless man on the side of the street shooting up herion just to get through another day. Will time make his situation any better??? I'm tired of people saying it will get better. In life not everyone wins. Some people lose. It's morbid, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And it's heart breaking. With all of this said... For some reason, every day I go on and feel as though there is hope. My brain just won't stop thinking there may be hope. What do you guys personally do to eliminate this element of hope and focus on dying?

 

[Crows]

I have the same problem.

 

[Slow85]

I feel very similar - with my mental illness I know I will always have relapses and they are just to debilitating to comprehend having to live with for the rest of my life , but everyone says " you will be well , you never know , things will be better "

and a small part of me holds onto that

 

[randomz]

well, I think that if you have hope for the future,then you don't really want to CTB. And I also believe that's a good thing - hope is always a good thing. It gives you strength to go on and maybe wait for things to get better. Don't give up on hope intentionally.

 

[hatelife]

its more fear for me, im scared to die now again, what will happen? do we really get peace after life? its not nice to endure 1 hour before SN drink with meto, my thoghts were racing and all kinds of guilt n fear came up, how can I overcome it, sucide really takes alot of balls I should say

 

[RayoSinSol]

I understand where you're coming from. Maybe there are things that I could potentially hold out for, but as I am now I have no idea how to actually acquire those things.

I'm planning to buy SN (and some Nitrous Oxide for anesthetic, since I don't have access to sleeping pills), just so I can physically have it in my possession and be able to make the decision from there.

Maybe once I have it I'll decide to just get rid of it and carry on a while longer, maybe not.

What gives you hope?

 

[Imani]

This is a really good question. I presume it may depend on your personal circumstances and reasons surrounding your decision to ctb. For years I had hope but was not concurrently suicidal. I just went through A LOT of things that tested my resilience and my being. I may have had a passing thought, but came to understand it as an extreme fight or flight response after some traumatic experiences in my childhood and abuse/manipulation as an adult.

Just when I thought things couldn't "get worse" for me they did. It literally seemed like something evil was conspiring against any strength that I had left. But even after an attempt earlier this year I found "hope" and it was so strong that I drowned myself in my beliefs and dreams so that I would not succumb to the pain. I prayed harder than I ever have in my life and believed more than I ever have, but it literally only continued to get worse ... one incident after the other like I was in some f^cked up drama/thriller movie.

That's when I had enough and lost all hope. It made me come to a harsh reality that no matter how much you pray, help others, give back, give yourself, not even how much you forgive and love the unloveable nothing can save you or help you or protect you. God and my family kept me here before, but they all let me down when I needed them the most and I am one who RARELY asks for help. It's hard not to feel like you deserved it all and difficult to see anymore potential of good in life when all you see is pain and your inefficiencies.

So for me, I've finally stopped kidding myself to put it bluntly. I was always ahead of my time, my mind thinks so rapidly, optimistically and abstractly, but I'll never be respected or understood because this is the hand that I was dealt. I've seen many others that successfully do and think the way that I do, but for whatever reason I don't get the same respect nor consideration no matter sincere efforts. Like I have "f^ck me over" and "bully me" written on my forehead.

It hurts more to have such sincere hope only to be repeatedly let down. So I hope no more...

 

[BobbyPellitt]

Hope is nothing but an illusion. It arises only when you forgot how shitty your life actually is. To eliminate hope, you simply must remember why you want to CTB in the first place. The pain you experience in life is usually a great reminder, it snaps you out of the delusion that is hope real quick.

 

[Ryan.s]

This is a really good question. I presume it may depend on your personal circumstances and reasons surrounding your decision to ctb. For years I had hope but was not concurrently suicidal. I just went through A LOT of things that tested my resilience and my being. I may have had a passing thought, but came to understand it as an extreme fight or flight response after some traumatic experiences in my childhood and abuse/manipulation as an adult.

Just when I thought things couldn't "get worse" for me they did. It literally seemed like something evil was conspiring against any strength that I had left. But even after an attempt earlier this year I found "hope" and it was so strong that I drowned myself in my beliefs and dreams so that I would not succumb to the pain. I prayed harder than I ever have in my life and believed more than I ever have, but it literally only continued to get worse ... one incident after the other like I was in some f^cked up drama/thriller movie.

That's when I had enough and lost all hope. It made me come to a harsh reality that no matter how much you pray, help others, give back, give yourself, not even how much you forgive and love the unloveable nothing can save you or help you or protect you. God and my family kept me here before, but they all let me down when I needed them the most and I am one who RARELY asks for help. It's hard not to feel like you deserved it all and difficult to see anymore potential of good in life when all you see is pain and your inefficiencies.

So for me, I've finally stopped kidding myself to put it bluntly. I was always ahead of my time, my mind thinks so rapidly, optimistically and abstractly, but I'll never be respected or understood because this is the hand that I was dealt. I've seen many others that successfully do and think the way that I do, but for whatever reason I don't get the same respect nor consideration no matter sincere efforts. Like I have "f^ck me over" and "bully me" written on my forehead.

It hurts more to have such sincere hope only to be repeatedly let down. So I hope no more...

I'm so sorry my friend. I'm here if you want to talk. Shoot me a PM. Don't know if it would help. But I'm here.

 

[Mr2005]

I find it pretty easy to lose all hope. Trying to hold onto some is the hard part.

 

[Ryan.s]

This is a really good question. I presume it may depend on your personal circumstances and reasons surrounding your decision to ctb. For years I had hope but was not concurrently suicidal. I just went through A LOT of things that tested my resilience and my being. I may have had a passing thought, but came to understand it as an extreme fight or flight response after some traumatic experiences in my childhood and abuse/manipulation as an adult.

Just when I thought things couldn't "get worse" for me they did. It literally seemed like something evil was conspiring against any strength that I had left. But even after an attempt earlier this year I found "hope" and it was so strong that I drowned myself in my beliefs and dreams so that I would not succumb to the pain. I prayed harder than I ever have in my life and believed more than I ever have, but it literally only continued to get worse ... one incident after the other like I was in some f^cked up drama/thriller movie.

That's when I had enough and lost all hope. It made me come to a harsh reality that no matter how much you pray, help others, give back, give yourself, not even how much you forgive and love the unloveable nothing can save you or help you or protect you. God and my family kept me here before, but they all let me down when I needed them the most and I am one who RARELY asks for help. It's hard not to feel like you deserved it all and difficult to see anymore potential of good in life when all you see is pain and your inefficiencies.

So for me, I've finally stopped kidding myself to put it bluntly. I was always ahead of my time, my mind thinks so rapidly, optimistically and abstractly, but I'll never be respected or understood because this is the hand that I was dealt. I've seen many others that successfully do and think the way that I do, but for whatever reason I don't get the same respect nor consideration no matter sincere efforts. Like I have "f^ck me over" and "bully me" written on my forehead.

It hurts more to have such sincere hope only to be repeatedly let down. So I hope no more...

 

[PaYo]

Try everything. If everything fails. It will show up naturally

 

[I’mDone]

Honestly? It's not hope that's keeping me here. Genuinely I have no hope that things will get better. My OCD and crippling fear of being disliked is what's keeping me from ctb. Once I've settled my affairs, sold my flat and distributed my estate to who I'm leaving things to, I'll be gone.

 

[AcornUnderground]

Hope keeps us here. That glimmer of hope that something bigger or better might happen in our lives. That things will get better and that in the end everything will work out for the best. That is what they all say right? You're young, you have so many opportunities in life, your whole life ahead of you. Tell that to the homeless man on the side of the street shooting up herion just to get through another day. Will time make his situation any better??? I'm tired of people saying it will get better. In life not everyone wins. Some people lose. It's morbid, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And it's heart breaking. With all of this said... For some reason, every day I go on and feel as though there is hope. My brain just won't stop thinking there may be hope. What do you guys personally do to eliminate this element of hope and focus on dying?

How long have you been depressed? Is that your issue - major depression or is it something else?

 

[Ryan.s]

How long have you been depressed? Is that your issue - major depression or is it something else?

Major depressive disorder and severe PTSD

 

[AcornUnderground]

Major depressive disorder and severe PTSD

I'm sorry. I didn't have PTSD. I had a major depressive episode in my 20's that was BAD. Really bad. I have no idea how or why, but it lifted. I was on Wellbutrin but not for very long. I was in a very, very dark place. It went away. I know that you aren't looking for hope but I wanted to tell you that it can and does sometimes get better.

 

[I screwed up]

Hope is nothing but an illusion. It arises only when you forgot how shitty your life actually is. To eliminate hope, you simply must remember why you want to CTB in the first place. The pain you experience in life is usually a great reminder, it snaps you out of the delusion that is hope real quick.

Completely agree with bobby.. Hope is just some fuckin ' illusion... Its a manifestation of SI in a different garb ... The Reason to ctb is permanent..

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

I'm having the same problem and I've been this way for over a decade, I've been that homeless young man injecting heroin in my groin behind some alley bins sharing the needles with other users. Wanting to die. Now I'm a few years away from that but am still scared that one day I won't be able to go through with it. The worst SI is hope, I agree with you.
It's a gamble, some lives do improve, some don't but even people like where I've been (you can get people in far worse situations still), most of us stick around. I do believe the brain is a sort of system programmed and you either have suicide in you or you don't... Which also leads me to believe whatever created this existence is pure evil, horrific, sadistic, monster. Why is there a need for alot of people to have to carry on when they don't want to be here. Many with several serious attempts (not cries for help or bad planning) somehow fail each time relatively unscathed physically enough that they have to continue life. I've known people with deep scars across their throats and down their arms who've said coincidentally after all the planning to make sure they were alone someone waltzes in... Or their neck doesn't break from a 18 ft drop, the noose dead-roped still happens to untangle.
It's sick.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I'm tired of people saying it will get better. In life not everyone wins. Some people lose. It's morbid, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And it's heart breaking

This is a lot that is wrong with modern society out of almost 8 billion people we are supposed to think that we are all the same and everyone wins? I have talked in my journal about this before and am not sure if I have mentioned it here.

Our bodies and brains are different I might only have 5% capacity to achieve a goal where as with years of positive thinking and working on myself my max mental capacity to achieve that goal may only be 20-25% while a person like my brother or lets take a person you know Arnold Schwarzenegger might have 95-100% strong mental capacity to reach his goals.

The reason I mentioned my brother is because he used to be very depressed when he was younger now he has several educations, a job is a big lean bodybuilder, has a GF, car the list goes on just because a person like him had so low mental capacity/strenghts doesn´t mean everyone in the world does and I hate everyone pretends that we are all the same some people are superior others are inferior but that truth doesn´t sell in politics or society for that matter because people would rather believe in the rainbow covered sky than the never ending storm.

I think I said it better before but I hope you get it we are not the same everyone is different and just because someone got better isn´t a testament to everyone else can do the same.

 

[AcornUnderground]

This is a lot that is wrong with modern society out of almost 8 billion people we are supposed to think that we are all the same and everyone wins? I have talked in my journal about this before and am not sure if I have mentioned it here.

Our bodies and brains are different I might only have 5% capacity to achieve a goal where as with years of positive thinking and working on myself my max mental capacity to achieve that goal may only be 20-25% while a person like my brother or lets take a person you know Arnold Schwarzenegger might have 95-100% strong mental capacity to reach his goals.

The reason I mentioned my brother is because he used to be very depressed when he was younger now he has several educations, a job is a big lean bodybuilder, has a GF, car the list goes on just because a person like him had so low mental capacity/strenghts doesn´t mean everyone in the world does and I hate everyone pretends that we are all the same some people are superior others are inferior but that truth doesn´t sell in politics or society for that matter because people would rather believe in the rainbow covered sky than the never ending storm.

I think I said it better before but I hope you get it we are not the same everyone is different and just because someone got better isn´t a testament to everyone else can do the same.

I have the same frustration with my physical illness. It literally will NOT get better. It very certainly will get worse. That is the nature of a progressive, incurable disease. It's not rocket science. It's a pretty simple fact. If one more person asks me if I am feeling any better, or tells me to "hang in there", I just can't even.

 

[IAmSam]

I'm sorry. I didn't have PTSD. I had a major depressive episode in my 20's that was BAD. Really bad. I have no idea how or why, but it lifted. I was on Wellbutrin but not for very long. I was in a very, very dark place. It went away. I know that you aren't looking for hope but I wanted to tell you that it can and does sometimes get better.

Can I ask you how much Wellbutrin you took?

 

[AcornUnderground]

Can I ask you how much Wellbutrin you took?

I honestly don't remember because it was 15 or more years ago.

 

[PillowSia]

Logic, mostly. I know that sounds cliche, but an intimate understanding that things won't magically get better is how I combat it. Unless I suddenly win the lottery or something, there's no way I'm going to get the medicine and surgeries I need to fix myself, and you can't buy the friends and love I'm looking for or needed personality traits like willpower, resilience, and discipline. I'm getting older and weaker and nothing but a miracle can fix that, and miracles don't happen. That's all it is. I have a lot to do with what little assets I have, a house to leave clean, etc etc, which is why I'm still kicking around atm, but hopefully in a month or so when its sorted, I can hold down the salty swill long enough to leave.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I have the same frustration with my physical illness. It literally will NOT get better. It very certainly will get worse. That is the nature of a progressive, incurable disease. It's not rocket science. It's a pretty simple fact. If one more person asks me if I am feeling any better, or tells me to "hang in there", I just can't even.

When people say that (mainly social workers or shrinks) I get so angry I wanna slap them across the face, I have heard that phrase for a decade now and it´s all bullshit.

 

[lululoo]

I just had to wait until I had tried enough things and my situation got worse and worse. Eventually the hope ran out. Now it is just one logistical issue I am waiting on (and need to get over the fear too).

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Hope keeps us here. That glimmer of hope that something bigger or better might happen in our lives. That things will get better and that in the end everything will work out for the best. That is what they all say right? You're young, you have so many opportunities in life, your whole life ahead of you. Tell that to the homeless man on the side of the street shooting up herion just to get through another day. Will time make his situation any better??? I'm tired of people saying it will get better. In life not everyone wins. Some people lose. It's morbid, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And it's heart breaking. With all of this said... For some reason, every day I go on and feel as though there is hope. My brain just won't stop thinking there may be hope. What do you guys personally do to eliminate this element of hope and focus on dying?

AYOOO we are the same person (almost ) but brother let me tell you, hope does make us hold on to life. I'm going through something similar and I would love to talk to you personally (: anyway with my experience, you want to get past hope by looking at the negative in your life and realize how that's going to affect you, as well with the positive, of negative wins then you can drop the hope. Another way is when you're in pain for a long long time hoping for a good thing to happen but it doesn't, you can learn that hope won't save you anymore, either yourself or nothing. Hope this helps! DM me if you want to talk (:

 

[Painpleasure]

Hope is insidious. Hope is killing me.

I have no hope of a prosperous future for me. Instead, my sole life goal is to bring unfathomable amount of pain to those who have wronged me.

There is nothing more unacceptable to me than to see evil men and women who have wronged me in countless ways get away with it scot free.

My abusive, cruel alcoholic mother subjected me to a downright disgusting childhood.

How fitting it was to stare her dead in the eyes as I watched her die with indifference in my eyes. Her last words to me were "you don't care about me". How delusion and distorted must one be to continuously abuse another and expect affection from the victim....

Never tolerate toxicity from anyone, family included.

 

[darkhorse256]

I think it's good if you have hope. To me, hope is a reason to live. Maybe it means you want to "get better".

 

[SleeplessSoul]

For me it depends on where the hope comes from. Usually I know that it's fleeting so I don't really have to worry about if it'll stop me doing anything I want. I just got offered a PhD studentship which is a massive bit of hope. I've basically decided to hold onto it as long as it lasts I can always ctb after.

 

[Bct]

Despite how skeptic I am with "things will ge better", I admit there is a glimpse of hope in my mind, especially after I experienced even a little "improvement". Perhaps accepting the situation will be as shitty (or worse) as now will diminish the hope.