S

SeenMoreThanEnough

Student
Sep 16, 2022
128
I haven't been doing well in the past few months. I won't bore you with all the details, but let's just say it's been a steady decline, there's no fight left, and that I wish I didn't realize that everything in life is basically lies and bullshit in one way or another. I just don't want to participate anymore, you know? It's really looking like CTB is something I may end up doing - something that I want to do - and the thoughts are becoming more frequent and intrusive..like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only thing stopping me is the thought of my children. I was married for 24 years and we separated and sold our house. She ended up moving somewhere else with the kids and I moved in with my father for a few months before getting my own small apartment.

Anyways, my daughter is doing quite well. She starts college in September and has been a full-time barista for the past three years. We never developed the strongest bond(?), and she was always much closer to my xW, and more so now after the divorce obviously. We talk/text a few times a week, have gone fishing together, etc, but she doesn't let me in as to much of the goings on in her life. For instance, she's been seeing a young man from the USA for over a year who has been down to visit for a few days multiple times, and I still haven't met him. She just bought her first (used) car, and only told me after the whole process was done and it was in her driveway. NGL,, that really hurt because I'd have liked to have been a part of it, just to help her, make suggestions, and to make sure she's getting the best possible car she can get for her hard-earned money and is not getting taken. Isn't that something any father would want to be a part of, or are my feelings about it wrong? Obviously, I was excited for her, congratulated her, etc, but never let my hurt show. Basically it feels like I failed, the relationship failed, and because of that, I'm not there for these milestones, which really fucking hurts.

My son is two years her senior and works midnights at a grocery store part-time. I drive him to and from work because I love him, want to spend time with him, and his grandmother charges him $ every time he asks her for a ride, which annoys me. I'm a little more worried about him because we are closer, spend more time together, and I am worried about how he is going to find his way in the world and weather the storms that life will inevitably bring. For the most part, he will sit on his computer playing games and on Discord with friends for the vast majority of his free time and waking hours. When he was young, he was sexually abused by my xW's brother's son. My son told my xW what happened, and she DIDN'T tell me. I found out two weeks later when my son suddenly blurted it out while getting in trouble for something else. Anyways, it was the beginning of the end for the marriage.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can lessen the impact? Would a long letter, explaining my reasoning, apologizing, etc ease their pain? Obviously, I can't talk to them about what I may or may not be thinking about doing before I do it. I value this community, so thanks for listening and sorry if I rambled.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,912
I would personally write a letter, at least then those left behind are less likely to be left with as many unanswered questions, I think it's better than leaving nothing. But anyway best wishes.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,199
Theres no way of lessening the impact, no matter how much you do to try to make them understand your choice. They are your children so they'd grieve your loss a lot but they'll someday get over it. Your son will take longer to get over it than your daughter, though, as you were closer with him.
 
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SeenMoreThanEnough

Student
Sep 16, 2022
128
Thank you both.
 
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Takamagahara

Takamagahara

Seeker Of Heaven
Aug 8, 2023
142
It's hard to say for sure without knowing what they're like as people. I can only speculate or provide conjecture in my assessment based on what you've told us here.

In all likelihood, your daughter probably has an extensive and well-functioning social network and support system in place that most likely includes your xW; I don't think you need to worry about her at all. Your passing might sting for a bit in the short term, and then she'll move on with her life. This might hurt to read, but it's my honest assessment of the situation based on what you've told me--she's most likely already adjusted to living a life without you in it. I say this because I know what it's like; it hurts to not be an important part in someone's life, especially when it's someone you love and care for. But on the other hand, it does make the passage a bit easier knowing that they'll be fine, perhaps even better after you're gone.

Your son is probably a different story. You're closer to him, and he is most likely hiding his own struggles. Plenty of boys and men are satisfied living out their 20s in their rooms with video games and Discord. If you CTB, he might start to see himself in you, and not in a good way. "Dad decided to end it all, and I think I'm starting to understand why he did," he might begin to think for himself. It will be difficult for him. There's a strong likelihood he will never get over it. Of course, I can only say this based on my superficial assessment; I don't know anything about your son or his values to say this definitively.

The truth is that it's a gamble. Maybe they'll be fine. Maybe they won't. Either way, you won't be around to know how it all turned out. And that, in and of itself, is something you'll have to accept if you've decided that CTB is your only option.

That said, if it were me, a letter would be necessary. It needs to be detailed, and most importantly, honest. Explain how and why you reached the conclusion that you did. Explain what it's like for you to live day-by-day; how you feel when you wake up in the morning; what it's like when you think about experiencing tomorrow, and why you felt that suicide was your only option. They might reject your reasoning, but at least they will know the reasons.

I would include something about your hopes for your children, about how you want them to live and experience life and be happy no matter what form that happiness takes.

Beyond any of that, there won't be much more you can do to prepare them. You will simply have to trust that they will move on.
 
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S

SeenMoreThanEnough

Student
Sep 16, 2022
128
In all likelihood, your daughter probably has an extensive and well-functioning social network and support system in place that most likely includes your xW; I don't think you need to worry about her at all. Your passing might sting for a bit in the short term, and then she'll move on with her life. This might hurt to read, but it's my honest assessment of the situation based on what you've told me--she's most likely already adjusted to living a life without you in it.
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate your (and everyone elses) thoughts.

As to what you said about my daughter? You're probably right. I'd even take it a step further and say that she's glad I'm out of it. But it's not poor me. I know that I wasn't the perfect father, and that mistakes were made on both sides (xW and I). Thanks again for your insight.
 
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F&Inside

F&Inside

🌊🌊🌊
Aug 9, 2023
170
Hello. In the case of leaving, having a productive talk with your children before is the best. Tell them about your experiences and latest advices that could help them with their lives. My best wishes for you.
 
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