PalOnTheSteppe
Member
- Mar 16, 2026
- 6
To save on the details, several months ago I texted 988 for something that was in no way an immediate crisis and they contacted emergency services. This lead to several hours of me running around town, paranoid and fearful of every person and car that passed me. When I didn't feel like I was on some kind of demented Jason Bourne hidden camera show, I was experiencing a never ending fight or flight response. It was awful and solidified that I'll never text or call a warm/hotline ever again.
Some weeks later I stopped going to my therapist as I've decided that the financial security of pocketing the cost of sessions would bring more emotional value than paying to talk to somebody for an hour. I've gone to many therapists with many different modalities - none of them had ever made a difference regarding my overall life satisfaction or stability.
Fast-forward even further and I'm in this drug abstinence support group that specializes with queer people. The sessions are fine, if a little directionless. But in the end I found out that despite discovering a group that would include me by description alone, I was still too different to be truly integrated with these people. Nobody wants to build bridges anymore, they just want communities where no one lives in them but themselves.
When I exercised regularly for my 5k it took me out of it all for a bit, but there's seemingly no escaping the void waiting for me. So what? I'm left with stuffing my mouth and sleeping?
Hotlines are actively harmful, therapy is quackery, local "support" groups aren't interested in supporting me, I have ZERO desire to interface with the modern medical or pharmaceutical industry. I feel like the system in which I exist under is designed to get me to kill myself. Some people will say nobody cares and that's what's freeing, but I really do feel utterly trapped, even more so now that I'm trying to get better. In a way, I felt happier and more free when I was binge drinking and accepting that I was a miserable piece of shit instead of trying to improve myself with these mainstream routes that do nothing for me.
Some weeks later I stopped going to my therapist as I've decided that the financial security of pocketing the cost of sessions would bring more emotional value than paying to talk to somebody for an hour. I've gone to many therapists with many different modalities - none of them had ever made a difference regarding my overall life satisfaction or stability.
Fast-forward even further and I'm in this drug abstinence support group that specializes with queer people. The sessions are fine, if a little directionless. But in the end I found out that despite discovering a group that would include me by description alone, I was still too different to be truly integrated with these people. Nobody wants to build bridges anymore, they just want communities where no one lives in them but themselves.
When I exercised regularly for my 5k it took me out of it all for a bit, but there's seemingly no escaping the void waiting for me. So what? I'm left with stuffing my mouth and sleeping?
Hotlines are actively harmful, therapy is quackery, local "support" groups aren't interested in supporting me, I have ZERO desire to interface with the modern medical or pharmaceutical industry. I feel like the system in which I exist under is designed to get me to kill myself. Some people will say nobody cares and that's what's freeing, but I really do feel utterly trapped, even more so now that I'm trying to get better. In a way, I felt happier and more free when I was binge drinking and accepting that I was a miserable piece of shit instead of trying to improve myself with these mainstream routes that do nothing for me.
