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After being molested on a train washroom (stranger) and in my house( by my cousin) as a minor..
My paranoia has gotten WORSE. Especially after recently discovering that my cousin is still looking for ways to meet up with me ( rape me )
I have started hallucinating and getting anxiety attacks if my bf doesn't text me ( my cousin is for some unknow reason scared of him)
I pace around the house paranoid about locks and curtains
I feel unsafe EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND. i feel like some one is watching me, i hear doors closing and opeing, i hear my molester's voice the second i remove my headphone, i have started being aggressive and throwing my once cherried stuff, banging my head, pulling my hair from frustration..
Is there anyway? Any place ? Any time that i can feel safe and secure ?
( i don't have access to any weapon and don't know self defence)
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Nikki_Music, moonflow3r, Dante_ and 5 others
Sorry that this happened to you. I have no idea what to say. I am not the best person to answer this, but maybe learning self defence would give you some control and safety, since that is something you mentioned.
Please shout and make a fuss if you're feeling that you're threatened. I'm sure people won't come near you then. Unfortunately, this happens to some children in the vicinity of predators.
Sorry that this happened to you. I have no idea what to say. I am not the best person to answer this, but maybe learning self defence would give you some control and safety, since that is something you mentioned.
I mean..the 1st time i was being molested as a child..i froze completely and my cousin is far taller and stronger..i might have a freeze response again ( he is 11 years older than me)
After being molested on a train washroom (stranger) and in my house( by my cousin) as a minor..
My paranoia has gotten WORSE. Especially after recently discovering that my cousin is still looking for ways to meet up with me ( rape me )
I have started hallucinating and getting anxiety attacks if my bf doesn't text me ( my cousin is for some unknow reason scared of him)
I pace around the house paranoid about locks and curtains
I feel unsafe EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND. i feel like some one is watching me, i hear doors closing and opeing, i hear my molester's voice the second i remove my headphone, i have started being aggressive and throwing my once cherried stuff, banging my head, pulling my hair from frustration..
Is there anyway? Any place ? Any time that i can feel safe and secure ?
( i don't have access to any weapon and don't know self defence)
I can try but i doubt if i will even get the chance to press it at the time or if it would even work..in those 2 months i saw his plannings and i cant say if it will work cuz he is family and he has fully practical and detailed plans on pinning the blame on me..
Yeah well he got a plan for that too and it's to convince my parents emotionally ( which might highly work to not press serious chargess on me) and i will be getting all the blame and i can't risk making my life more hellish than it already is...
I can't leave my entire family and press charges on him cuz i am 18 and have to live with my parents under any circumstances and i am a student with no job and can't get one till next year
Please shout and make a fuss if you're feeling that you're threatened. I'm sure people won't come near you then. Unfortunately, this happens to some children in the vicinity of predators.
uh... if you're american or another kind of boots-indoor kind of person: Get something like that with steel toes, a prompt kick in the dick will one shot the vast majority of men. Work boots have good kickability too but they dont look as cool.
After being molested on a train washroom (stranger) and in my house( by my cousin) as a minor..
My paranoia has gotten WORSE. Especially after recently discovering that my cousin is still looking for ways to meet up with me ( rape me )
I have started hallucinating and getting anxiety attacks if my bf doesn't text me ( my cousin is for some unknow reason scared of him)
I pace around the house paranoid about locks and curtains
I feel unsafe EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND. i feel like some one is watching me, i hear doors closing and opeing, i hear my molester's voice the second i remove my headphone, i have started being aggressive and throwing my once cherried stuff, banging my head, pulling my hair from frustration..
Is there anyway? Any place ? Any time that i can feel safe and secure ?
( i don't have access to any weapon and don't know self defence)
This might sound silly, but ask for help, your boyfriend shouldn't be the only one to know about this. Your parents, teacher, anyone, an adult who you trust, you can even directly go to the police if you're feeling to do so.
I don't know which country you live in, which can make the situation better or worse, anyways, if your boyfriend is mentally sane, he should help you with the matter of finding an adult to help you out.
And finally, i don't think you should be alllwed on this forum as a minor, but i won't report you, i am deeply too concerned about your situation so please just call for some help, the paranoia is normal when you have to go through such horrible things, you might want to find a therapist to help you figure those issues out once the menace which is your cousin be distanciated enough from you and your social circle. I pray for at least your parents to help you.
Please shout and make a fuss if you're feeling that you're threatened. I'm sure people won't come near you then. Unfortunately, this happens to some children in the vicinity of predators.
This might sound silly, but ask for help, your boyfriend shouldn't be the only one to know about this. Your parents, teacher, anyone, an adult who you trust, you can even directly go to the police if you're feeling to do so.
I don't know which country you live in, which can make the situation better or worse, anyways, if your boyfriend is mentally sane, he should help you with the matter of finding an adult to help you out.
And finally, i don't think you should be alllwed on this forum as a minor, but i won't report you, i am deeply too concerned about your situation so please just call for some help, the paranoia is normal when you have to go through such horrible things, you might want to find a therapist to help you figure those issues out once the menace which is your cousin be distanciated enough from you and your social circle. I pray for at least your parents to help you.
thank you and i will be 19 in 2 days..and in my country rapes are too normal followed by victim blaming culture and i can't trust an adult after dealing with 2 adults( actually more but they weren't atlest molesters or pedos) and i don't have enough resources to seek any professional help currently and i geunily just wanna feel safe atlest in my own house even if it's for an hour ..and those 2 months still haunts me as everyone around me failed to notice my suffering and still do..
uh... if you're american or another kind of boots-indoor kind of person: Get something like that with steel toes, a prompt kick in the dick will one shot the vast majority of men. Work boots have good kickability too but they dont look as cool.
It's unfortunate that you cannot feel safe in your own home. Please speak up. Your parents might be mute spectators. But Hopefully other people can help. These predators depend on silence to continue doing their dirty work.
Yeah well he got a plan for that too and it's to convince my parents emotionally ( which might highly work to not press serious chargess on me) and i will be getting all the blame and i can't risk making my life more hellish than it already is...
I can't leave my entire family and press charges on him cuz i am 18 and have to live with my parents under any circumstances and i am a student with no job and can't get one till next year
But where do i even go after making the fuss??where do i stay??...i can't protect myself alone any longer ...
It's unfortunate that you cannot feel safe in your own home. Please speak up. Your parents might be mute spectators. But Hopefully other people can help. These predators depend on silence to continue doing their dirty work.
I just get scared of judgement and mostly the thing is whenever i try to even start opening about it i become tearful and just start sobbing..unable to explain what happened and how i am really right now..the wounds are still too fresh..
I can but never saw it work..if i am to meet him again it would be in a big fat wedding and carrying and spraying it at the right time or him just snacing my purse + not to mention the blame i will get for harming him and i would anger him a lot more which i really don't wanna risk doing
After being molested on a train washroom (stranger) and in my house( by my cousin) as a minor..
My paranoia has gotten WORSE. Especially after recently discovering that my cousin is still looking for ways to meet up with me ( rape me )
I have started hallucinating and getting anxiety attacks if my bf doesn't text me ( my cousin is for some unknow reason scared of him)
I pace around the house paranoid about locks and curtains
I feel unsafe EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND. i feel like some one is watching me, i hear doors closing and opeing, i hear my molester's voice the second i remove my headphone, i have started being aggressive and throwing my once cherried stuff, banging my head, pulling my hair from frustration..
Is there anyway? Any place ? Any time that i can feel safe and secure ?
( i don't have access to any weapon and don't know self defence)
A social worker once told me this plan. Maybe it works for you. Live with your parents like they are roommates.
Don't make yourself accessible. You have an obligation only to yourself, not your parents or you cousin.
Get a slide lock and fridge for your room and live like you are a renter. Stay
In your safe space and make up reasons not to leave.
Set your school schedule for the time that the cousin most likely visit so you will be out of the house. For other times you can use a personal safety alarm.
If you are able to and fully comfortable, please reach out for professional support or local support (online groups such as Reddit). This is a very clear sign of PTSD coming in play (fear of repeated events, hallucinations, etc.) and what you need is support and someone to believe you. The fear of it happening again is justified.
Have a safety plan. My personal phone I programmed a panic button to call police. Study if your phone has an SOS or program an easy way to call police. pressing the power button on and off repeatedly calls the police on some smartphones. If you are uncomfortable, purchase a panic button as well as pepper spray (I know you said you think it won't work, but any legal weapon like brass knuckles can work). And, while I know this may bring some traumatic recalls, a device to at least record audio if you suspect he is nearby. If he is telling you plans to refute your claims, you will have that on hand.
If it happens again or appears to: What you've experienced in your abuse is the freeze responce, where you'd mind gets too overloaded to do anything and comes up with ways to cope, leaving you extra vulnerable. That is never consent. A lack of response is not a "yes". Scream as loud as you can, I dare say if you want to attract attention to go over the loud environment start swearing or say something absolutely no one can resist. It doesn't matter. You're going to hesitate, you're not going to want to, your mind will stop you. Blurt it out. Do not think about logistics if you are actively in danger, only think about your safety.
A fact I've learned: Rapists almost never commit the act if there is one person actively communicating or otherwise near you. There would be a witness.
If you are in the same room as him alone, if you can, call your parents or someone you trust and make up an excuse of why you need to go to them. Regardless of if your parents believe you or not, most parents are willing to work with you having an SOS for any reason. It shows you're placing your trust in them.
If you want someone else to go to in person, an excuse such as you left your backpack behind or another important object, or come up with a key phrase to have an excuse to drive to them or have them pick you up.
If you have no one, pretend to call someone you trust. If you are with someone, anyone, the threat significantly lessens.
You said you're going to a wedding. I've been to a few (Jewish and Christian) and can say the events are very public with professional photographers all over. If it is in a venue, stay in the public dining hall and stay at your table under all circumstances. You'll be moving around in groups as well back in forth from places of worship to dining halls, so stick with a family member or friend your trust when that happens. If you need to go somewhere private such as bathroom, as disgusting at this may sound, turn on audio recording on your phone and keep it in your pocket, create any kind of proof to further add. Scream or speak the name of the perpetrator out loud if he gets too close. Keep the proof, go to the police. Some high end weddings have security guards if you want to ask for an escort to the bathroom or somewhere. And especially now, do not drink any alcohol or accept drinks from anyone except those of public distribution (physically pouring from a pitcher).
You said you have a boyfriend who helps deter your anxiety by having him text you. Talk things through and he is okay with it have him on standby the entire time you are at the wedding at a time range.
And, because you're an adult. If you really feel like you can't go due to the risk, don't. It'll cause issues, your family might be frustrated, but it's a last resort for safety.
Paranoia may be refuted with facts you believe in. If you are home with your parents, you are automatically safe. They are obligated to protect you and raised you to prove it. You may have doubts of them believing you if something God forbid happens but they can't deny something happened.
But remember the fact: Rapists almost never commit the act if there is one person actively communicating or otherwise near you. There would be a witness.
Rapists will isolate someone, they would rarely do something if someone protecting you is nearby. I know this isn't a flip of a switch and your justified fear goes away, but repeat it. You are with someone.
If you sleep alone or otherwise are with nobody, have a backup comfort plan, and repeat yourself that you are safe. In my case, I pretend an anime woman is comforting and coddling me, telling me I'm safe, okay, and no one will hurt me. This isn't for everyone, and probably not you. It will take a bit of time, but a mantra of "I am safe" alongside any kind of comfort. A stuffed animal, a videogame, even a YouTube video. Something to ground you.
A thing that significantly helps alongside these affirmations is box breathing. Breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, exhale for five seconds, repeat. In my case I do 5:7:5. It doesn't stop the thoughts, but would ground you and calm you to stop hurting yourself.
This is when you are not actively being threatened.
Professional support would help you process those emotions, digest the past and learn to move forward to not take you down like it is now. To truly recover is to eliminate the threat. They would help you with the process of reporting the incident and provide support and coping mechanisms.
You're 18. If you are a citizen of the United States you're probably using your parents insurance, making therapy accessible with sessions as cheap at $15 but could possibly be more. This will appear on your medical record which can help with further treatment or if you get a new therapist. If you get a diagnosis, that can be shown as proof of harm in a court of law. Unless your parents deny you need it (which is possible), they should always accept supporting you if it means you'll come out a better person and would be able to pay for it since you do not have a job.
If you cannot get professional support, tell a councilor or ask to speak to a psychologist. You said you're a student. Assuming you mean college/university, they will always have someone to speak to, though they may not as efficient as professional help but can route you to one if you need it. If you are a high school student, they also have a councilor. Depending on public schools and availability you can ask for repeated sessions. But once again, not a replacement for professional support. Some schools might call services such as police to protect if the threat is perceived to be active, I don't know the laws well for adult students. I will give a warning for this, you could be brought to the hospital for a psychological evaluation if someone believes you have been abused, even if it isn't your parents doing it. This evaluation will not send you to a ward unless you state you want to hurt yourself or others, it is just to determine your emotional wellbeing and make sure you are okay for the next steps (therapy).
You can recover without professional help or connections, but it will be much, much, harder. And I do not suggest this route. You're a human, we're social beings, we need connection.
I have no doubt your boyfriend will try to support you however he can but he is not a replacement for professional help and will not always be there. This is not a situation where only he should know. You need someone of authority you can pour your trust in. Ask your friends, boyfriend, or anyone you know will absolutely take your side to stay with you in the process if you choose professional support or seek safety.
I'm not sure if you told your parents about any of this but I would genuinely do. If you live with them they would definitely have noticed the behavior change you've done since. You say they will not believe you, which I unfortunately can see as an option because it is difficult to process someone they like did something so horrible. You said it yourself, he is 11 years older. You are an 18 year old woman. Unless you have a history of lying or shifting blame on others, there is genuinely no reason to pin the blame of an event like this on you.
If there is something to take away from this: You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be heard. And you deserve to have someone believe you. Please at the very least tell someone of higher authority. 18 means you're legally an adult but you are still young. And just because you are an adult doesn't mean you need to trek through the struggles of life without support.
He is not a child, he is a full grown adult almost a decade older than you. There is no reason to justify this action, and there is no reason to downplay this. Please take care of yourself and I hope you find the safety you deserve.
If you are able to and fully comfortable, please reach out for professional support or local support (online groups such as Reddit). This is a very clear sign of PTSD coming in play (fear of repeated events, hallucinations, etc.) and what you need is support and someone to believe you. The fear of it happening again is justified.
Have a safety plan. My personal phone I programmed a panic button to call police. Study if your phone has an SOS or program an easy way to call police. pressing the power button on and off repeatedly calls the police on some smartphones. If you are uncomfortable, purchase a panic button as well as pepper spray (I know you said you think it won't work, but any legal weapon like brass knuckles can work). And, while I know this may bring some traumatic recalls, a device to at least record audio if you suspect he is nearby. If he is telling you plans to refute your claims, you will have that on hand.
If it happens again or appears to: What you've experienced in your abuse is the freeze responce, where you'd mind gets too overloaded to do anything and comes up with ways to cope, leaving you extra vulnerable. That is never consent. A lack of response is not a "yes". Scream as loud as you can, I dare say if you want to attract attention to go over the loud environment start swearing or say something absolutely no one can resist. It doesn't matter. You're going to hesitate, you're not going to want to, your mind will stop you. Blurt it out. Do not think about logistics if you are actively in danger, only think about your safety.
A fact I've learned: Rapists almost never commit the act if there is one person actively communicating or otherwise near you. There would be a witness.
If you are in the same room as him alone, if you can, call your parents or someone you trust and make up an excuse of why you need to go to them. Regardless of if your parents believe you or not, most parents are willing to work with you having an SOS for any reason. It shows you're placing your trust in them.
If you want someone else to go to in person, an excuse such as you left your backpack behind or another important object, or come up with a key phrase to have an excuse to drive to them or have them pick you up.
If you have no one, pretend to call someone you trust. If you are with someone, anyone, the threat significantly lessens.
You said you're going to a wedding. I've been to a few (Jewish and Christian) and can say the events are very public with professional photographers all over. If it is in a venue, stay in the public dining hall and stay at your table under all circumstances. You'll be moving around in groups as well back in forth from places of worship to dining halls, so stick with a family member or friend your trust when that happens. If you need to go somewhere private such as bathroom, as disgusting at this may sound, turn on audio recording on your phone and keep it in your pocket, create any kind of proof to further add. Scream or speak the name of the perpetrator out loud if he gets too close. Keep the proof, go to the police. Some high end weddings have security guards if you want to ask for an escort to the bathroom or somewhere. And especially now, do not drink any alcohol or accept drinks from anyone except those of public distribution (physically pouring from a pitcher).
You said you have a boyfriend who helps deter your anxiety by having him text you. Talk things through and he is okay with it have him on standby the entire time you are at the wedding at a time range.
And, because you're an adult. If you really feel like you can't go due to the risk, don't. It'll cause issues, your family might be frustrated, but it's a last resort for safety.
Paranoia may be refuted with facts you believe in. If you are home with your parents, you are automatically safe. They are obligated to protect you and raised you to prove it. You may have doubts of them believing you if something God forbid happens but they can't deny something happened.
But remember the fact: Rapists almost never commit the act if there is one person actively communicating or otherwise near you. There would be a witness.
Rapists will isolate someone, they would rarely do something if someone protecting you is nearby. I know this isn't a flip of a switch and your justified fear goes away, but repeat it. You are with someone.
If you sleep alone or otherwise are with nobody, have a backup comfort plan, and repeat yourself that you are safe. In my case, I pretend an anime woman is comforting and coddling me, telling me I'm safe, okay, and no one will hurt me. This isn't for everyone, and probably not you. It will take a bit of time, but a mantra of "I am safe" alongside any kind of comfort. A stuffed animal, a videogame, even a YouTube video. Something to ground you.
A thing that significantly helps alongside these affirmations is box breathing. Breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, exhale for five seconds, repeat. In my case I do 5:7:5. It doesn't stop the thoughts, but would ground you and calm you to stop hurting yourself.
This is when you are not actively being threatened.
Professional support would help you process those emotions, digest the past and learn to move forward to not take you down like it is now. To truly recover is to eliminate the threat. They would help you with the process of reporting the incident and provide support and coping mechanisms.
You're 18. If you are a citizen of the United States you're probably using your parents insurance, making therapy accessible with sessions as cheap at $15 but could possibly be more. This will appear on your medical record which can help with further treatment or if you get a new therapist. If you get a diagnosis, that can be shown as proof of harm in a court of law. Unless your parents deny you need it (which is possible), they should always accept supporting you if it means you'll come out a better person and would be able to pay for it since you do not have a job.
If you cannot get professional support, tell a councilor or ask to speak to a psychologist. You said you're a student. Assuming you mean college/university, they will always have someone to speak to, though they may not as efficient as professional help but can route you to one if you need it. If you are a high school student, they also have a councilor. Depending on public schools and availability you can ask for repeated sessions. But once again, not a replacement for professional support. Some schools might call services such as police to protect if the threat is perceived to be active, I don't know the laws well for adult students. I will give a warning for this, you could be brought to the hospital for a psychological evaluation if someone believes you have been abused, even if it isn't your parents doing it. This evaluation will not send you to a ward unless you state you want to hurt yourself or others, it is just to determine your emotional wellbeing and make sure you are okay for the next steps (therapy).
You can recover without professional help or connections, but it will be much, much, harder. And I do not suggest this route. You're a human, we're social beings, we need connection.
I have no doubt your boyfriend will try to support you however he can but he is not a replacement for professional help and will not always be there. This is not a situation where only he should know. You need someone of authority you can pour your trust in. Ask your friends, boyfriend, or anyone you know will absolutely take your side to stay with you in the process if you choose professional support or seek safety.
I'm not sure if you told your parents about any of this but I would genuinely do. If you live with them they would definitely have noticed the behavior change you've done since. You say they will not believe you, which I unfortunately can see as an option because it is difficult to process someone they like did something so horrible. You said it yourself, he is 11 years older. You are an 18 year old woman. Unless you have a history of lying or shifting blame on others, there is genuinely no reason to pin the blame of an event like this on you.
If there is something to take away from this: You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be heard. And you deserve to have someone believe you. Please at the very least tell someone of higher authority. 18 means you're legally an adult but you are still young. And just because you are an adult doesn't mean you need to trek through the struggles of life without support.
He is not a child, he is a full grown adult almost a decade older than you. There is no reason to justify this action, and there is no reason to downplay this. Please take care of yourself and I hope you find the safety you deserve.
Thank you..that meant alot. I will try to go through with things i can and currently i dont really have access to mental health professional and won't have till i get a job and to be brutally honest I don't think i can handle a job with my current mental state. I right now i am on a break..i am in between changing from college to uni and so won't have access to a conseller till next 2 months and in my previous college the 1st think i asked my conseller was "do you have voice rec in this room?" She was baffled and even today i saw a dream where my father took me to hospital for my mental health and she was my conseller but in reality she wasn't really a help..it started to feel like as if she was judging me and couldn't really understand my situtation cuz i use to cry more than speak and mostly didn't know a single words to describe what excatly i was going through.. i want to tell my bf the whole thing too but i fear that he will to be judgement and blame me for everything will not understand that i did everything just to protect myself from getting raped and will eventually leave resulting in me losing my last sense of security. I tried to go to my friends to and that failed as well. Every time i try to commit ( i am fine with the most painful death too) i get flashbacks from the time i failed my previous attempt and was in a hospital. I can't live and i am not able to die..forget about happiness i just want to feel safe some where..anywhere atlest for an hour ..
A social worker once told me this plan. Maybe it works for you. Live with your parents like they are roommates.
Don't make yourself accessible. You have an obligation only to yourself, not your parents or you cousin.
Get a slide lock and fridge for your room and live like you are a renter. Stay
In your safe space and make up reasons not to leave.
Set your school schedule for the time that the cousin most likely visit so you will be out of the house. For other times you can use a personal safety alarm.
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