Help How to explain SH scars to little brother

[moshimoshi]

I'm going to be moving back to my parents in a few days, it's been about 7 months since I've been there and in that period of time I've continued to badly struggle with self harm. Now I have very noticeable scars on my arms, I have scar cream so I'm going to try to keep putting that on them, but I'm sure it'll be quite a while before they're not noticeable again (if ever). I'm just really worried of how to explain them to my little brother who is 13. I love him very much, he's really the only family member I've been able to connect with and feel fully safe around, and we've always had a good sibling relationship although we don't talk too much. I know if I wear any short sleeves and shorts he will see them (tbh idk if he has seen my scars in the past) I would have worn long sleeve when I'm around people but I'm going to be sleeping/living in the living room and it's summer so that would be miserable.

I'm worried because when I was 12 I saw people online who self harm and that's where I got the idea to relieve my excruciating pain from. I'm scared he will see that his big sister has done it and will start doing it. I don't know what to say if he ends up asking about them. I don't know if I should just make up a lie, although I think he would be able to see through it. I just want the best for him and I really love him, I've fought so hard when I was younger to stop him from experiencing trauma and I want to keep it that way. Any advice is very appreciated and even just reading this helps me, so thank you for reading this

 

[Life_and_Death]

i can sort of understand the struggle, i also have a little brother that i love. smidgen older though, turning 14 this month. hes been asking about seeing and i cant just tell him his parents suck so ive had to tell him its complicated and ill tell him when hes older (which absolutely kills me because i had to experience the exact same thing growing up. my grandfather would always be telling me that theres something i need to know but he cant tell me until im older.. in my situation it was just that my "dad" wasnt actually my dad)

personally if it was my brother i would explain it to him. i would tell him that sometimes i emotionally i hurt and sometimes it shows itself in external ways. however i would also try to make myself a safe place. i would tell them that if they had any thoughts they were free to talk to me without any judgement, that i would be there to comfort him and if he does end up doing it, explain the hurt and try to stop together.

 

[reversebandaid]

He'll run into self harm eventually one way or another. It might even be better that it comes from someone who can explain it to him and who loves him. I started self harming when I was 12 and I hadn't seen anything about it online so I wouldn't worry too much about introducing it to him. I'd be honest and explain it to him. Emphasize he should come to you if he ever has similar thoughts and you can help him work through them.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

I think there are a lot of factors at play here. I think that empathy can go a very long way towards making your brother understand, and in the best case scenario, even support you for being honest with him in the first place. Depending on how emotionally empathetic, mature, and close your brother is, he will know how to respond to you. Before doing anything, I'd think it would be best to observe and assess how he responds to mature topics. Maybe you could sit him down and have a sibling talk, maybe you can pose some moral hypotheticals and see how he answers, and based on how compassionate he is, you can open up to him comfortably. I'm saying this because some children are simply not equipped with the mental faculty to empathise with an adult's problem, and I think that's expected.

This is a very delicate situation because it truly depends on how mature your little brother is. You could try an organic approach later on where you only respond once your brother points out your scars and asks questions, or when you see him notice it and not asking any questions. I think it would be quite strange and fast paced if you seated him and just started talking about yourself and the scars, he would have no clue what's going on and why this is happening. I think that most importantly, if he does notice and does not ask questions, it could potentially be that he's afraid to talk to you about it. I'm speaking from experience here because I've been a little brother to an elder sister and looking back, I've always noticed telltale signs of her depression and mental health issues, and as a child even though I wanted to comfort her, I was always afraid. Just being observant around him would help you know when and what to say. Also, if you are with unsupportive parents, I think it would be best to have an oath between you and your brother, what you discuss with each other, stays with each other. That's what I did in my situation, I think that will grow trust and intimacy as well.

The cycle of observation, action, and communication is key.

Above all else, it just depends on how receptive your brother is. If he has been through a rocky childhood, you will have a much better time explaining things to him and it will immediately click with him. Try to take things slowly and speak to him in a manner like how a big sister would, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable if he really cares for you. Hug it out and be there for each other, I know how invaluable sibling support is, and communication is important. Don't forget to support him through his issues as well, if you think it's too early to open up, that's fine. Stall until you think he's old enough and then open upto him. Clarify everything and be willing to listen, things might work out and you'll have an amazing supportive relationship as he grows up!

 

[Ash]

You can talk to him without giving him the full story. And you can be honest enough about how you feel about SH and scars that you're not unintentionally encouraging him or making him thinking that it's cool or whatever. I remember years ago a friend's daughter of a similar age saw my fresh scars and asked about them. I wasn't expecting the question so panicked and just said "oh, it's just something that happened". She rolled her eyes but didn't ask any more questions. Different vibes, I know, big sister vs mum's boring friend but it's important to remember that not everyone needs nor wants to know the whole truth and nothing but.