How to deal with surviving instinct/subconscious?

[Michi_Violeta]

For most of us, if not all of us, I think ctb is a conscious and well-meditated decision: a personal choice that comes actively as a response to a set of circumstances and feelings that make us want to give up on life. That said: how to shut down a subconscious voice that tells you to keep going despite YOU already having made a conscious choice about your preference to die?

I know it sounds weird, I'm not sure if I'm putting into words correctly, but if anyone could understand this situation I'm in and give me any sort of input it would be you guys. Part of me doesn't want to die, a subconscious and very basic animalistic part that somehow wants me to keep taking life's beatings despite nothing really having changed in my life; another part knows full well I'm tired, I'm hurt, and that I will not achieve the things I want in life so I will end it all on my own terms and with dignity before more failure and disappointment and heartbreak comes my way. In other words, I'm sort of living my last "one last chance" because I'm still holding on for a miracle that would make me want to keep on living —a very specific situation that is almost entirely out of control—, but I want it to be that, the last one, no more with this pointless and fruitless string of "one last chances" that lead me here and people call life. If anything, I regret not having given up earlier: I should've killed myself before I ended up meeting my ex instead of giving life another chance to put me down. All that pain and disappointment from before I met her should've been enough, but no, I was the comeback kid, I always had the passion in me to keep fighting...until now :c

How do you shut down that subconscious voice in your head that wants to keep going despite you knowing full well nothing will change and that you have consciously decided you'll end your own life? How do you effectively think through the steps needed to ctb properly and carrying them out without that stupid animal voice interrupting you? How to enjoy your last months or weeks on Earth as a palliative measure without letting yourself forget the reasons why you came to the decision of ending your life?

 

[deathwish]

For me, I've pretty well accepted that it can't be done. Indeed killing myself won't take place without firm conviction and all preparations taken care of; it will be what I know is the right move. Yet, probably, will still in the moment feel fear and a pull to s t o p. I tell myself that it's an irrational fear. And we don't listen to those. Dying feeling badly like that instead of with the confidence we should possess is lame but, welp. You'll only feel it for a bit. Power through

 

[Michi_Violeta]

For me, I've pretty well accepted that it can't be done. Indeed killing myself won't take place without firm conviction and all preparations taken care of; it will be what I know is the right move. Yet, probably, will still in the moment feel fear and a pull to s t o p. I tell myself that it's an irrational fear. And we don't listen to those. Dying feeling badly like that instead of with the confidence we should possess is lame but, welp. You'll only feel it for a bit. Power through

"When in doubt, flat out" said the great Colin McRae. I wish I had the guts to be like him instead of letting my subconscious "heal" when nothing has really changed and I've gone through a series of repeated experiences that made me give up on life.

 

[areyousafe??]

SI is so hard to overcome. It gets stronger and stronger the closer you get towards the end of your life.

I'm going to focus more on my reasons for ctb on the day, together with benzos, hopefully I will be able to overcome SI.

This post might help you:

Scientific Approach to Understanding SI and Discussion on Tools to Minimze SI Factors

This post aims to provide an educational/informational overview of the various scientific factors that contribute to survival instincts (SI), particularly the innate drive for self-preservation and the automatic responses that arise in the face of harm and danger. While it does not delve into...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Pryras]

Your situation has to be so devastatingly bad that ctb is undoubtedly the better option or you can attempt when you're extremely impulsive and emotional which should give you the extra "push"

For the latter, you have to go in the moment otherwise it's too late and the momentum is gone.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Your situation has to be so devastatingly bad that ctb is undoubtedly the better option or you can attempt when you're extremely impulsive and emotional which should give you the extra "push"

For the latter, you have to go in the moment otherwise it's too late and the momentum is gone.

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that now. My situation isn't devastatingly bad yet, but still bad enough to have made me give up hope on life despite not going through chronic illness or excessive abuse. I really regret not having the elements to ctb properly when I had the momentum to do so, but damn, it's hard to find the benzos and SN: I've only been able to get my hands on some amitriptyline and I think I got a source for an antiemetic that should arrive soon.