how to deal with being selfish

[wildflowers1996]

I am selfish in so many ways and I feel horribly guilty

I keep having really disturbing thoughts which make me despise myself so much

I think if I had the choice between my mum having a happy life vs me having a happy life, I would choose my mum to be happy and not me.

But I keep having these awful, awful, thoughts about hypothetical scenarios but they are still haunting me

I love my mum so much.
But then I think "not enough not to ctb"
I partly want to die before my mum so I don't have to go through the agonising pain of losing her
But if I really loved her I wouldn't ctb
Maybe I won't actually do it. I don't know. I was writing a suicide note earlier today and convinced I would end up ctb but as I'm typing this out I can't stand the thought of hurting her

But the thoughts get so much worse than this so much I can hardly bear to write them out they're so disturbing to me but basically I have thoughts like "if it was between you and your mum being tortured, who would you choose?" and I feel so sick I know it's not a situation I'm likely to be in but the answer is at some point you couldn't take the pain any more and would choose to inflict it on someone else rather than yourself and I feel like screaming at the thought of it and the guilt I can't stand it

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your suffering!!

I wish you didn't have to feel so much guilt when you're a good person! It's relatable, I'm remorseful too!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know how you feel. I don't feel like I could CTB while my Dad is still alive. But, I've promised myself I'll go as soon as possible after him to spare myself the grief (again.) I'm sick of the pain of mourning people.

As for who you would prefer to be subjected to pain- thankfully, you're unlikely to have to make that decision in terms of something random.

I suppose choosing to suicide does theoretically remove one person's pain and it can produce pain in another. Still, I think suicide is very much about our capability to cope with the struggles we have. We suicide when we simply can't cope anymore. I do think people left behind should focus on that rather than see it as something purposely done to hurt them. That was more an unfortunate side effect.

Plus, to put it on a theoretical ground. The 'normies' around us expect us to cope with what's happened to us in our lives without becoming too negatively affected by it. That could include bereavement. Are they not included in this expectation? Why is it more fair for them to be devastated by a suicide but it wasn't ok for us to struggle so much?

Cruel as it may seem, I also think parents have more responsibility. They brought us here after all. They really shouldn't have just assumed that all would go well in our lives and we'd be happy.

Personally, I do want to hold on for my Dad to go first but, that's because I at least feel as if I can for now. If things got/get much worse for me, the balance may well tip.