How to CTB when you don't really want to die and have a huge fear of death?

[PandaExit]

I've been mentally ill all my life. I seem to be treatment resistent. A lot of my obsessive thoughts are around my fear of death. I worry about dying or having a loved one die constantly to the point where its obsessive and compulsive and constant. That said I just can't deal with these feelings any more. I've been trying to get treatment for 20 years and nothing ever changes or improves. I got sober to help with my mental health but that hasn't really helped much either. I've been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, BPD and ADHD.

I've had therapy and all sorts of meds. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm hopefully going to try the meds for that in Jan. If they don't work the only way I can see out of this whole mess is death. I don't want to die but I cannot go on living this way. The mental health team said that they've offered all the intervention that they can and there's nothing else for me to try.

I've chosen a method that seems the least scary and now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have to ctb. Does anyone have any experiences of trying to ctb when you see no other option but need your thoughts to end?

 

[chfm6879]

I have all of those except BPD and meditation has made the intrusive thoughts into a distant echo. They're still there but they don't have the immediacy that they used to have, the ability to grip me and become the focus of my mind.

 

[cambrai33]

Someone said before that often it's the case that you don't want to die but you don't want to live either, a kind of limbo state where you don't feel in control.

Many transit to active suicide idealation but a larger number battle away in this limbo. At least here you can thrash things out and get advice as many will have felt the same

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that being completely desperate means people have often been able to overcome their fears of death, when the pain of living has got so unbearable and they cannot take anymore. I know it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[miserableforever]

I've been mentally ill all my life. I seem to be treatment resistent. A lot of my obsessive thoughts are around my fear of death. I worry about dying or having a loved one die constantly to the point where its obsessive and compulsive and constant. That said I just can't deal with these feelings any more. I've been trying to get treatment for 20 years and nothing ever changes or improves. I got sober to help with my mental health but that hasn't really helped much either. I've been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, BPD and ADHD.

I've had therapy and all sorts of meds. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm hopefully going to try the meds for that in Jan. If they don't work the only way I can see out of this whole mess is death. I don't want to die but I cannot go on living this way. The mental health team said that they've offered all the intervention that they can and there's nothing else for me to try.

I've chosen a method that seems the least scary and now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have to ctb. Does anyone have any experiences of trying to ctb when you see no other option but need your thoughts to end?

I totally get it. I'm the same way.
Maybe wait it out until you can act on impulse? Those are the only moments when some people are able to let for a minute. I don't know what else to tell you. Don't want you encourage you CTBing but also don't want to tell you not to.
I know the medical side of things isn't very helpful. Not like those insurance companies care about the ones that can't find a solution.
That state of limbo is a daily ongoing battle, I know.

 

[Ta555]

I'm the same, I need to CTB soon but I'm afraid it won't work. I'm just starting to tell myself I will succeed and picture and imagine myself succeeding instead of failing.

 

[PandaExit]

Thanks guys. I think I might get hold of the stuff I need to CTB and hope I can do it in a moment of desperation. It's a shame because my ideal situation would be to get better but I don't feel like this is a possibility any more. I've tried for years now and there's been no improvements. I am in limbo really, don't want to live but too scared to die.

 

[GentleJerk]

That's a tough one, I'm sorry. I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure there is any magic trick to it. I agree with getting the necessary means to do it so that a peaceful (as possible) exit is there for when you need it, if you need it. That's really the best one can do.

 

[motel rooms]

I have all of those except BPD and meditation has made the intrusive thoughts into a distant echo. They're still there but they don't have the immediacy that they used to have, the ability to grip me and become the focus of my mind.

You have OCD, panic disorder & ADHD & "meditation has made the intrusive thoughts into a distant echo"? How severe was your OCD? Are you suicidal?

 

[little helpers]

I've been mentally ill all my life. I seem to be treatment resistent. A lot of my obsessive thoughts are around my fear of death. I worry about dying or having a loved one die constantly to the point where its obsessive and compulsive and constant. That said I just can't deal with these feelings any more. I've been trying to get treatment for 20 years and nothing ever changes or improves. I got sober to help with my mental health but that hasn't really helped much either. I've been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, BPD and ADHD.

I've had therapy and all sorts of meds. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm hopefully going to try the meds for that in Jan. If they don't work the only way I can see out of this whole mess is death. I don't want to die but I cannot go on living this way. The mental health team said that they've offered all the intervention that they can and there's nothing else for me to try.

I've chosen a method that seems the least scary and now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have to ctb. Does anyone have any experiences of trying to ctb when you see no other option but need your thoughts to end?

the way I see it, it's nice to keep both options on your side. a lot of the times this calms people down a little bit, knowing that they're in control.

meds are tricky. I seen someone on the bipolar sub who finally got to the right cocktail of meds after squiggling round the system for 20 years. man, twenty! she wanted to live though, "keep trying" should be reserved, very kindly, for these people. maybe you're one of them, I don't know.

seems to me that unless it's a dual diagnosis (in the British sense, meaning "one reinforcing the other and vice versa". don't like the American interpretation of it cuz that's only made it a synonym for "comorbidity"), sobriety doesn't do much of anything. quite a bit of the time it makes folks more suicidal.

obsessive thoughts of fear of death… I knew someone who had it when she was younger. not really the OCD type. scares herself into panic attacks every night she went to sleep. it must suck. but the strangest thing is she was also dead suicidal. not sure if she wanted to act on them. after all it can be hard sometimes to steadily go for what you know you want. death, or life. proving it, proving it again. un-prove it. debating with oneself.

wish you all the best.

 

[Dot]

I've been mentally ill all my life. I seem to be treatment resistent. A lot of my obsessive thoughts are around my fear of death. I worry about dying or having a loved one die constantly to the point where its obsessive and compulsive and constant. That said I just can't deal with these feelings any more. I've been trying to get treatment for 20 years and nothing ever changes or improves. I got sober to help with my mental health but that hasn't really helped much either. I've been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, BPD and ADHD.

I've had therapy and all sorts of meds. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm hopefully going to try the meds for that in Jan. If they don't work the only way I can see out of this whole mess is death. I don't want to die but I cannot go on living this way. The mental health team said that they've offered all the intervention that they can and there's nothing else for me to try.

I've chosen a method that seems the least scary and now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have to ctb. Does anyone have any experiences of trying to ctb when you see no other option but need your thoughts to end?

Am in sme positn & evry scnd = despr8 hell.

 

[Crazy4u]

It is hard to ctb if you are scared of death. I am sorry for your suffering :(

 

[Rational man]

Have you looked into Buddhism ?. You dont have to become a Buddhist but their teachings really helped me. The teachings are focused on impermanence of LIFE. Whilst fearing death, you'd not be living in NOW moment. You project and fear the future because of death and NOTHINGNESS which is a natural cycle of life. Everyone dies eventually and fear is not uncommon but the western world in particular, hides death and dying behind shining white walls. In India, I saw people dead in the street, people burning on pyres. It was profound to see. PEACE❤

 

[Niko66]

A friend of mine and one of the smartest people I ever knew planned to use Ketamine before CTB to help work through his SI, ironically that extended his life as Ketamine did have some therapeutic effects for him but ultimately he was succesful in CTB. Just a thought I guess.

 

[PandaExit]

A friend of mine and one of the smartest people I ever knew planned to use Ketamine before CTB to help work through his SI, ironically that extended his life as Ketamine did have some therapeutic effects for him but ultimately he was succesful in CTB. Just a thought I guess.

I have actually used ketamine quite a few times but it tends to trigger off the "omg I'm dying" and not in a peaceful way but a pure SI way so that sets off panic. It's a shame because I do think it would be useful.

 

[Undroto]

Feels odd to suggest maybe staying busy with something that could interrupt the rumination cycle. I definitely fall into it when I'm not engaged otherwise. I know busy work sounds silly, is there a project you could do or help a friend with? I haven't volunteered anywhere yet but borrowing someone else's urgency about getting something done can get me going - even better if it's outside.

 

[downndone]

I'm not sure anyone WANTS to die. Death is just a way of not living. For me dying peacefully or not peacefully is the same. I'll be dead so the method won't matter. It might matter to those we leave behind but it also has to be something you can actually go through with. There are no easy choices here, no matter how much I wish there were. I think what's important is that we are at peace with our decision to CTB.

 

[WilNord]

I don't know why you're scared of death. To me I would have encountered this afterlife or lack there off regardless of me committing suicide or not, I am just more scared of failing as my methods aren't 100% foolproof.
If you're this scared and your problems are more to do with mental illness then maybe you should reconsider committing suicide and do something else with your life, perhaps you could study science during your free-time and try and/or make a website of a popular niche (not a forum or about suicide, they're a very unpopular niche) and get some money out of it, there are a lot of tutorials for HTML, CSS and JavaScript on YouTube and if I was able to learn the former two quickly and easily (JavaScript is a bit trickier and I stopped learning not because I was too dumb or anything rather because of other qualities about myself that you definitely aren't affected by) then so can you; with the money you could try and make your own company about whatever you think would work like real estate or finance or medicine or psychiatry or whatever, or you don't have to and you could just use it for yourself. There are a lot of things you can do in the situation you're in.

Edit: While therapy and psychiatry hasnt helped with your mental illness, you could try alternative solutions. There has been a growing amount of evidence that ancient greeks were right about your gut influencing your brain, especially mental health. Some people suggest taking antibiotics to remove a lot of the bacteria in your gut then eating a healthy diet consisting of mostly fruit and vegetables (this should make up 60-80% of your diet), water in non-plastic containers, nuts, eggs, dairy products like kefir & yogurt (Doesnt need to be milk if you dont like it) and fish & meat (should make up around 12-28% of your diet depending on how much fruit and veges make up your diet, white fish and poultry are the most recommended and are considered the most healthiest). Avoid grains (wheat, bread, etc) and manufactured sugars (milk chocolate, cake, donuts, fast-food stuff, etc) as they're supposedly bad for your gut and influence harmful bacteria to grow and multiply. Exercise is also helpful and you dont need to go to the gym all the time; You can just do push-ups, pull ups, skipping and more in your house although for running you need to be in a gym, go outside or have a treadmill inside your house

 

[dustyfurcollector]

Am in sme positn & evry scnd = despr8 hell.

I'm always comforted when I see your pretty posts here. Seeing you overcome your devastating situation with pretty abbreviations gives me peace. I'm encouraged when I know you're still here.

But I'm really sorry for your pain

 

[motel rooms]

You have OCD, panic disorder & ADHD & "meditation has made the intrusive thoughts into a distant echo"? How severe was your OCD? Are you suicidal?

I have all of those except BPD and meditation has made the intrusive thoughts into a distant echo. They're still there but they don't have the immediacy that they used to have, the ability to grip me and become the focus of my mind.

Liar. Made just one outrageously suspicious comment in 5 months & never answered my questions.