Help How to book a date when there's people depending on you?

[QuartziteGlitter]

Hi, I hope today's not been an awful day for you. Please don't read if you feel this is ridiculous or too long, I understand.

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I've been planing my expiration date for a while now, but the powers that be seem to be playing against me even as I wish to give up.

This is quite personal, so I hope you can understand:

I want to make my departure as seamless as possible, so I've been progressively cutting off communication with most of my acquaintances and trying to undertake as little responsibilities as possible.

One such responsibility is my siblings. My mum had to flee the country in order to make enough money to feed and properly educate them... she couldn't trust anyone else, as my grandmother's proven to be a bit of a manipulative and sickening person to be around, so they asked me to take care of my two younger siblings. This ordeal has been going on for about a year now, in which I've had to juggle university, work, my siblings and my own mental health. At times it felt nigh impossible.

I want to stop. I need to.

However, due to some legal shenanigans, it turns out I am the legal tutor of my siblings, and I've been doing the paperwork needed to get them out of this bloody hellhole. But they are legally dependent on me now, which is obviously a double-edged trick to pull off.

I can't drop university, I'm less than a year away from graduation, and I need the degree if I hope to be welcome abroad with two kids. I can't stop working, I need to pay for my studies. I can't leave my siblings alone, they've got no one else. And, at least for the foreseeable future, this won't change.

What am I doing? My soul is nothing but dust. I am alone, exhausted, sleep deprived, frustrated and quite honestly just a blubbering mess at times. I, for once, thought I could let things go and free the world of my presence whilst freeing myself of all these things that make me miserable. People are always kicking me around and pushing me to do things for ends I do not care about in the slightest, yet I've had to pretend otherwise. I don't want money, I don't want a bigger house, I don't want your company, or your so-called knowledge. I need silence, peace and to enjoy the bliss of seclusion for once.

This is selfish, I know. And I do not want to inconvenience anyone, or to create this massive problem for my family, to make them waste an absurd amount of quid in which would ultimately be my biggest embarrassment. They've done nothing to help me, but I won't fuck them over like this.

To make things worse, my university requires a dissertation to be presented in order to graduate. This has to be done in groups, so I've naturally been assigned a group; both of my teammates are actually quite proactive, which has proven an even worse deal than I expected, as they're always pushing for this seemingly never-ending flow of truly great ideas. They challenge themselves and strive for greatness. They don't deserve me, they should have someone who actually gave a darn. If I were to quit, their life would be much harder, as they'd have to start doing my part too.

I know this is a hopeless question, for it can only be answered by myself, but... what do you think? what should I do? Should I go ahead with my plans and not care? Should I continue down this rabbit hole that will surely extend for years?

I'd like to point out that throughout all this time... the thoughts have been there every single hour of every bloody day. I crave this, it is the only thing I truly want. But I have feelings too, and a heart. I need so much help.



Thanks for reading my rant and please take the best care. I await any and all responses eagerly, please feel free to tell me about your own situations.

 

[hmskms]

just a reminder that this emotional blackmail is one of the reasons why you want to kill yourself.

 

[アホペンギン]

This is indeed a very hard situation to deal with, having so many people depend on you while you only intend to try to distance yourself from them to advance into the planning of ctb. The best thing to do is possibly just trying to cut off communication with everyone, until theres no one left. Granted, they will be worried as to why you're doing that but its the best for you. If its their fault that you're struggling so much you shouldn't have too much remorse, you have to do what is best for you despite them being hurt.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's really a tough and awful situation. I think you are exhausted from all the responsibilities, the duties, and everything else you have to do incl. your studies to get a degree. I hope you find the strength and energy you need somehow.

 

[rationaltake]

You've taken on a tremendous responsibility and you're an amazing person for trying to do the right thing. You're certainly not selfish in any way.

Looking after two siblings and attending university must be exhausting. Just one of these tasks could be overwhelming. A dissertation in itself is a tremendous undertaking. And you're also working. You've done incredibly well to make it so far.

Whatever your future plans I'm wondering if you could find yourself some practical help for the time being. Just to give yourself a breathing space.

I don't know which country you're in - not a brilliant one by the sound of it - so maybe there isn't any help.

Does the university have a student welfare department? Or do you have a personal tutor? I was wondering if you could explain that you are responsible for two siblings and ask if the university can help in any way. Maybe defer your other assignments if you have any and let you concentrate on your dissertation.

Do you have any kind of Social Services in your country who could help with your siblings? Provide you with a cleaner for example.

Apologies if you're not looking for this kind of advice. I'm just so sorry to read about your circumstances and all you're going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really exhausting feeling so trapped in that situaution when you just wish to be free but anyway best wishes, I guess that after all only you can decide what you should do.