I know that this doesn't make sense but let me explain. I can't die, I'm here to keep others happy and to help the few souls I can touch. That is my purpose and meaning. Or well, my body's purpose and meaning. Me? I only cause pain and suffering. I hurt people. I don't want to hurt people, but I still do. So, I've been thinking, and call me crazy if you want, but I want to technically CTB, but I don't want my body to CTB. Only my soul, spirit, or whatever thing inside me that makes me, well, me. Then, when I am gone, I want someone else to take over. I know that it will still hurt people, but what's the point in staying me if people can't recognize who I am anyway? Even my mom says "I don't know who you are anymore". Or she'll say that she "misses [DEADNAME]" (For context I'm transgender, FtM), referring to who I was when I identified under that name. So, to her, I am already a different person, so why not literally become a different one and let the real me go off to wherever we go after we CTB? I'm just worried my best friend won't want to be my friend anymore. I'm scared to lose him. I'm scared that whoever takes over, he won't like. I don't know. It's not like I know how to do this or if it's even possible, but if anyone has any advice, please, please let me know.
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EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 5,159
You can't become a different person. You'll always be you up until your death. You can try changing aspects of yourself but you should only ever do this for you because it's something you think will help you, not others. You aren't the cause of anyone's suffering. Your mom talking about missing the pretransitioned version of you sounds more like she's suffering due to her unwillingness to accept change, rather than it being your fault. There's no point in trying to make others happy when you aren't even happy with yourself because no matter how happy you make them you will always feel the same way you do now. You don't need a purpose or meaning. Nobody had a purpose or meaning. Our existence is something that came about from chance and lacks any inherent meaning, which isn't a bad thing.
It doesn't matter if others can't recognize who you are currently because nobody will ever truly recognize who you are. Their idea of you will always come from their biased interpretations of you, based on the things they know about you. The image of you in their heads is not and was never of you. You are the only person who has the potential to truly know yourself because you are you. There's no point in relying on others because there is always a large chance of that backfiring and them hurting you at the end of the day.I did hear about someone attempting just this...
Look into "Koomer and Oguigi". If nothing else it's an interesting story.
Ain't that the truth. I moved to another country where things are better for me in a material sense, yet I still carry the same pain. Wherever I go, there I am.
