NSFW how to avoid spiraling if i see the patterns but want to do it anyways to feel something

[eggsausagerice]

this one is about sex!!! get ready for sex talk!!

i reinstalled and deleted grindr yesterday because i was feeling desperate, and i feel like going back again. i don't know what i'm trying to prove by going back on the app. that i'm attractive? that i'm funny? that i'm still capable of having sex even though guys on grindr would probably have sex with anything? i'm filled with a nauseating anxiety every time i use it, but being on "an app" makes me feel like i'm being proactive when i'm just making myself miserable.

i felt good about myself every time a guy called me attractive and said we could have sex, even if it wasn't happening naturally and i'm basically incapable of having an orgasm, because it meant a guy liked me for a little while. i barely have any friends, but i could look for guys to send nudes to online and they would call me pretty for a little while before getting bored of me. i usually get in this mood a few times a month, where i feel like i need to prove that my body isn't disgusting or gross to people. living with my family just makes me feel more ashamed of having sexual thoughts, since i feel like i'm meant to repress it if the only thing i can do is cry and jerk off because i hate my body or have car sex at 3 am. this isn't really a way to live.

my self esteem got lower after my vacation, even though it wasn't anyone's fault. i kept seeing pretty girls with boyfriends and i wondered if there was something wrong with me. i don't know if i'm objectifying women or if i'm jealous i can't detransition and be desirable instead of being unattractive to both gay and straight guys. i'm not enough. i've been looping thoughts in my head at night that if i was 16 again, i would get stuck in the same cycle of trying to appeal to guys that are too old for me because no one in my class wanted to be my friend or talk to me. my body is weird and my thoughts about my body are complicated, but if guys say my body looks good then i'm able to feel normal. if i was a cis woman, i would feel normal all the time.

i know there's nothing i need to prove. i just feel incredibly anxious and i don't know what to do with myself. my mind is trying to retrace these old patterns, but they don't work anymore. getting rejected by guys makes me hate myself more than being complimented makes me feel good. in my current state of mind, i'd send anyone anything and do anything because i really just want to be liked. i don't feel liked by my friends because i feel inadequate to all of them. i'm sick of myself.

it hurts to feel like nothing. i wish getting naked meant something. anyone can get naked and put their clothes back on. i'm not special for being easy to take advantage of. i feel awful talking about it because it feels so misogynistic to feed into the idea that me having sex with guys means that i have value in the world when i would never say this for other people. i know being like this doesn't make me a more desirable person. it's just pathetic of me.

 

[sourcherry]

:( i dont know if this will be helpful since i am a cis woman who is sex-averse. but i def dont think you are misogynistic for wanting attention from men when that approval hinges on getting their validation through sexual appeal. unfort it's how society is set-up to work.

men are monkey brained. a lot of them can't think beyond their sex drive and def don't see women as individuals. i honestly think that sex for them isn't even attraction to women either. its a bragging rights/machismo competition they do among themselves. i hope that you'll be able to find your identity in something beyond performing for men.

i dont think you're pathetic for feeling this. you're working with what you have in this fucked up system.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i dont know if this will be helpful since i am a cis woman who is sex-averse.

i'm honestly sex-averse most of the time and spiral at mentions of sex sometimes. it's easy for me to get lost in my head and start thinking about ugly i must be for not having sex in a while, even though i don't like doing it. i've had periods of being hypersexual that happened during extreme suicidal ideation, because i felt below everyone i needed to have sex or sexualize myself in order to be human.

its a bragging rights/machismo competition they do among themselves. i hope that you'll be able to find your identity in something beyond performing for men.

one time i went on this rant to an ex-fwb that i was only good for having sex and that he should stop talking to me if he just wants to be friends. it was a bad night and i knew i made him uncomfortable. i still remember most of the things i texted him. i talked about how i was a meaningless person and he secretly always saw me as someone that should be used up and thrown away because i'm too mentally ill to be valued by others. he said he felt sad that i thought that about myself. i don't think most people can understand what it's like until they go through something like this themselves. it's a very isolating mindset to be in.

i have hobbies when i'm not to depressed to do them. i like photography, trail walking, incense, and i've been trying to get into rollerskating. but deep down i still think i don't matter if a man isn't telling me what he thinks about me. i really need to stop sizing up other women, because i know it's affecting me the more i do it.

 

[sourcherry]

it's easy for me to get lost in my head and start thinking about ugly i must be for not having sex in a while, even though i don't like doing it.

i understand this too well. i dont like how we are expected to want it even in our own heads.

i don't think i'm good enough to be most people's friend and isolate to avoid disappointing them.

i do this as well. its a self preservation move so you don't get hurt first. i can't count the number of people ive cut off due to my own insecurities. its a weird place to be in when you're lonely but being alone is better than judgement.

i have hobbies when i'm not to depressed to do them. i like photography, trail walking, incense, and i've been trying to get into rollerskating.

these are great hobbies i like photography too! do you use film or digital?

 

[eggsausagerice]

i like photography too! do you use film or digital?

i like digital. though these days it's been hard to motivate myself to do photography when everything feels like a chore. i feel guilty that i tend to lose interest in most of my hobbies when i spiral and get fixated on stuff i'm upset about. i've always thought about doing film photography, though it's expensive to go to a film lab. some days my hobbies feel like more like a cope than something i enjoy doing, but i only think that if i'm in a bad mood.