Discussion How terrifying is it to CTB?

[dogemn]

Can you imagine the magnitude of fear and terror you feel when you do something like this?

 

[auti]

I attempted once and the fear got pretty bad but I think part of it was because I knew I had failed before the ambulance even came. I imagine actually dying would come with quite a lot of fear but I'm hoping my hydroxyzine will calm me down enough to let it happen this time.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

The fear when you are 100% certain you will die soon is very overwhelming. It's very hard to stay still, your thoughts race very very fast the fear and terror even if you really want to ctb is unexplainable. You feel a bunch of emotions at once, At the same time it felt strangely freeing. But, yeah it's too hard to describe how bad it is in my experience. I went through that for nothing cause I messed it up.

Everyone is different tho

I attempted once and the fear got pretty bad but I think part of it was because I knew I had failed before the ambulance even came. I imagine actually dying would come with quite a lot of fear but I'm hoping my hydroxyzine will calm me down enough to let it happen this time.

I don't think that medicine is strong enough even in large doses to overcome SI. I'm very familiar with it.

Sucks you had to go through that too. It feels so bad

 

[Claymore7274]

Very damn scary, last time i passed out with partial and now that i tried again i can't bear the feeling of the rope on my neck for more than a minute, went into flight or fight instantly

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

I havent tried yet, I think I wont be scared myself but I imagine in the exact moments it must feel very scary

 

[medinjured521]

The fear when you are 100% certain you will die soon is very overwhelming. It's very hard to stay still, your thoughts race very very fast the fear and terror even if you really want to ctb is unexplainable. You feel a bunch of emotions at once, At the same time it felt strangely freeing. But, yeah it's too hard to describe how bad it is in my experience. I went through that for nothing cause I messed it up.

Everyone is different tho





I don't think that medicine is strong enough even in large doses to overcome SI. I'm very familiar with it.

Sucks you had to go through that too. It feels so bad

Good thing I can't feel emotions anymore

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Good thing I can't feel emotions anymore

That would be nice for me.

You don't even feel panic or uncomfortable in your body or anything? Like if you get really sick you don't feel distressed it doesn't bother you? I've never experienced feeling nothing

 

[medinjured521]

That would be nice for me.

You don't even feel panic or uncomfortable in your body or anything? Like if you get really sick you don't feel distressed it doesn't bother you? I've never experienced feeling nothing

Don't take psych medications or you might end up with complex PSSD and the inability to feel emotions. Imagine all the things you used to do to stay alive no longer having any sort of effect on you. No joy or excitement from hiking, no endorphins or reward from working out, the inability to smile, no longer feeling love from your partner or loved ones etc; being a zombie. It's a sentence worse than death.

 

[DeadManLiving]

Good thing I can't feel emotions anymore

I can relate

 

[BradGuy123]

I think if I ever had to do it I would be very scared. I'm an anxious person as it is. I don't know if I could go through with it.

 

[medinjured521]

I can relate

Sorry to hear. It's truly a horrific experience and no way to live.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Don't take psych medications or you might end up with complex PSSD and the inability to feel emotions. Imagine all the things you used to do to stay alive no longer having any sort of effect on you. No joy or excitement from hiking, no endorphins or reward from working out, the inability to smile, no longer feeling love from your partner or loved ones etc; being a zombie. It's a sentence worse than death.

I've been on a lot of meds over the years. One time I was on like 10 of them after a psych ward visit. I was on antipsychotics antidepressants anxiety meds seizure meds other stuff too. I had bad side effects, but not as bad as yours. I've heard of that condition you're dealing with. It sounds really miserable. Doctors/psychiatrist should be more open about these risks among others. I wish that didn't happen to you. Have you found anything to help cope?

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I think it depends honestly, on both the person and the method being used. I had an attempt a couple years ago in which I died twice (but was revived) and as I loss consciousness I wasn't afraid at all. I felt at peace, and essentially just fell asleep. I'm going to take SN soon and based off all that I've learned, I do think I may experience a brief amount of panic before oxygen levels drop, but then I'll be at peace.

 

[medinjured521]

I've been on a lot of meds over the years. One time I was on like 10 of them after a psych ward visit. I was on antipsychotics antidepressants anxiety meds seizure meds other stuff too. I had bad side effects, but not as bad as yours. I've heard of that condition you're dealing with. It sounds really miserable. Doctors/psychiatrist should be more open about these risks among others. I wish that didn't happen to you. Have you found anything to help cope?

No, I have not as everything I used to do to cope no longer does anything. When you're stripped of your humanity, existence becomes nothing but pain. When I'm gone, I hope the doctor who prescribed the medication without informing me of this being a potential is eaten alive by guilt. I'm not a spiteful person but this shrink stole my life from me.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

No, I have not as everything I used to do to cope no longer does anything. When you're stripped of your humanity, existence becomes nothing but pain. When I'm gone, I hope the doctor who prescribed the medication without informing me of this being a potential is eaten alive by guilt. I'm not a spiteful person but this shrink stole my life from me.

A lot of doctors/pharmacists etc seem to think these rarer side effects don't actually exist. I can't imagine dealing with that.

 

[medinjured521]

A lot of doctors/pharmacists etc seem to think these rarer side effects don't actually exist. I can't imagine dealing with that.

The lady who prescribed it basically told me I'm just severely depressed. I have a diagnosis for major depressive disorder and even at my worst, I could feel emotions, and when I cried I could feel it in my soul. Any emotion I have now has no internal component or feeling anymore. I'm hollow. Being gaslit by people like this is insanity. Even when I was severely depressed, I could feel endorphins from working out. I've been bodybuilding for 15 years and put on 80lbs of muscle in that time frame, and I lost 15-20lbs of muscle from muscle wasting in a matter of weeks from this condition and can also no longer feel a pump in the gym. The gym kept me alive and allowed me to beat my diagnosis, and that's been taken from me too. It's sinister.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

The lady who prescribed it basically told me I'm just severely depressed. I have a diagnosis for major depressive disorder and even at my worst, I could feel emotions, and when I cried I could feel it in my soul. Any emotion I have now has no internal component or feeling anymore. I'm hollow. Being gaslit by people like this is insanity. Even when I was severely depressed, I could feel endorphins from working out. I've been bodybuilding for 15 years and put on 80lbs of muscle in that time frame, and I lost 15-20lbs of muscle from muscle wasting in a matter of weeks from this condition and can also no longer feel a pump in the gym. The gym kept me alive and allowed me to beat my diagnosis, and that's been taken from me too. It's sinister.

She should know this is a possible side effect. It's cruel to blame it on depression when you didn't experience this before the meds. Medical personnel tend to think lots of problems are just anxiety or depression. Being gaslit like this is super frustrating. It's terrible the thing that helped you cope and you put so much work into turned out this way. Wish I knew how to help you. People aren't designed to suffer through that.

 

[medinjured521]

She should know this is a possible side effect. It's cruel to blame it on depression when you didn't experience this before the meds. Medical personnel tend to think lots of problems are just anxiety or depression. Being gaslit like this is super frustrating. It's terrible the thing that helped you cope and you put so much work into turned out this way. Wish I knew how to help you. People aren't designed to suffer through that.

I appreciate your kind words, really. And yeah I'm most upset that I wasn't made aware of this being a possibility, even if extremely rare. So much for the Hippocratic oath, right?

 

[glass-petal]

Can you imagine the magnitude of fear and terror you feel when you do something like this?

well, just my personal experience here. i actually wasn't scared at all, instead i was just excruciatingly sad. probably cried more that night than i had in my entire life. it was a mix of emotions flooding in all at once, loneliness, inadequacy, all my pent up pain, and there was definitely a part of me overcome with guilt. guilt regarding hurting my mom, and guilt over letting down that little girl, the one who saw so much colour and wonder in the world before it all faded to grey. but even though i was deeply sad, i felt a sense of peace more profound than anything i'd ever experienced.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing is what terrifies me, I find it terrifying how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to way worse torture and suffering in this existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel.

To suffer in this terrible, torturous existence truly is an abomination to me and there's so much evil in how painless ways to cease existing are so cruelly made inaccessible by those who want others to suffer for as much and as long as possible in this existence I just always saw as the most terrible, tragic mistake and there's just so much suffering in existing. I'd be long gone if I could just choose to painlessly cease existing with no more torture and no more suffering, I just want to erase this dreadful, futile existence, for me ceasing to exist is the positive solution to find peace from the torture of existing as after all, only in non-existence will I be unable to suffer.

 

[bananaolympus]

In my first and only attempt i jumped had zero fear and no doubts in my way out to jumping and when i jumped i felt a big relief to this day that state of mind hasn't appeared and i am worse than i was since due to my multiple injuries i have physical pain, nerve pain and minor neurological ones hopefully in my next attempt that state of mind comes back

 

[Forveleth]

Both of my attempts came with absolutely zero fear. I want death so getting what I want is not scary.