Discussion How old were you when you realized you would ctb?

[leftdreaming]

Title says it all.

I've been suicidal since before I was 10, but it wasn't until the last year that the realization hit me that I'd certainly lose my battle against depression. I guess I had never dwelled on it past the moment of my attempts and always convinced myself I'd improve. Suicidal thoughts existed in me long before I recognized I wouldn't be able to fight them.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I was 9 when I first thought about killing myself. I was 14 when I did my first suicide attempt. It failed, unfortunately. Obviously I wasn't aware of this site and tried something stupid out of desperation: I tried to hang myself in the school bathroom. It almost would've worked, had a teacher not come to check in on me wondering what was taking me so long. That was the first time I accidentally made people aware of my suicidal tendencies, and I regret it deeply even to this day. Perhaps if I'd have been smarter and done it somewhere more secretive, I could have successfully killed myself, or even if I didn't, at least nobody would be aware of my suicidal tendencies. Alas, I'm kept on watch more than I'd like to do, and have little to no privacy.

 

[silent star]

11 I thought about it then 12/13 it was like yeah this is how I'm going to die

 

[clavicals]

I was 12 when I had my first attempt.
I remember glorifying self harm in my mind when I was 10 and that was before I knew what it was, before the internet.
I remember wishing I would get cancer or that I would get sick on my birthday when asked to make a wish and I would silently watch everyone clap and cheer for that too.
I distinctly remember feeling different from others and knowing I didn't belong at school when I was 5.

Where did it start?

 

[leftdreaming]

I was 12 when I had my first attempt.
I remember glorifying self harm in my mind when I was 10 and that was before I knew what it was, before the internet.
I remember wishing I would get cancer or that I would get sick on my birthday when asked to make a wish and I would silently watch everyone clap and cheer for that too.
I distinctly remember feeling different from others and knowing I didn't belong at school when I was 5.

Where did it start?

This is like reading one of my own posts. I glorified mental illness at a young age and got exactly what I wished for, attempted at 12, never belonged in kindergarten. I wish you luck on whatever future lies ahead of you.

 

[sensation86]

46,my actually age.
I am going to lose my battle against constant abuse since I was a child,depression and anxiety.
There's no way out

 

[TheHuman]

At 8 I had my first bouts of suicidal ideation, but it was just very mild. I then almost attempted at 14 by jumping off my balcony, but chickened out then, I made the VERY INTELLIGENT play of telling my parents. It went better than you would think I only got weekly therapy, and I got out after around 4-5 months. As you would expect that did nothing, and I made an attempt at 19 via some drug concoction I made that failed, and then gave me some severe stomach problems. At 22, and I was hoping I could ctb soon but its was apparent to everyone I knew so I was basiclly forced into therapy which I still am in, over a year later. Anyways that's my life story hope yall enjoyed or whatever.

 

[stainedtips]

14, I always had thoughts about death but never necessarily suicide. I still don't really know why I became like this, as the very first day I felt suicidal ideation (as far as I remember) was also my first attempt. So I just thought, I kinda want to kill myself, and went ahead and attempted that night. Didn't work because I didn't know how to hang myself properly but yeah

 

[ph4zzzy]

Title says it all.

I've been suicidal since before I was 10, but it wasn't until the last year that the realization hit me that I'd certainly lose my battle against depression. I guess I had never dwelled on it past the moment of my attempts and always convinced myself I'd improve. Suicidal thoughts existed in me long before I recognized I wouldn't be able to fight them.

I was 10 too, my mom thought that a letter I gave her explaining my feelings was a suicide note, so she asked me about it. And since then I've always kind of known that that's how I'm gonna go. my first attempt was when I was 12-13 and I've kept trying since then, finally getting access to actual reliable methods thanks to this site.

 

[feder]

Was around 8 when my Suicidal Ideation developed I was thinking how I wanna jump off a building or something, then I sort of attempted at 13 when I tried to strangle myself with a towel but just ended up knocking myself out (which became a form of SH later). Thankfully no one saw me. After that it got better for like 3 or 4 years no attempts or urges except for SH. The last 3 years were a downward spiral though pretty much since covid hit.

 

[Slasher]

I kept a notebook since the age of 8 where i would write all my thoughts and feelings in and it mostly consists of me talking about how i would rather die then live so around 8 probably a bit younger.

 

[soolka]

i was around 12, i seriously considered at 13-14

 

[SetMeFree11]

I was 21, just finished my miltery service and major depression started.
I began to think more about the sexual abuse i expirienced as a child.

 

[IndyAna]

I was around 6. I was daydreaming jumping off the balcony all the time. sad.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

I have a mind that suffers and accepts, i had a fear of the afterlife hit me but now it's all gone years later.

Im doing more "harmful" things and cutting away what opportunities i may have left, i want peace now.

Ill be doing it before i reach 30, i only need to accrue more funds, i can taste it closer than ever.

 

[clavicals]

This is like reading one of my own posts. I glorified mental illness at a young age and got exactly what I wished for, attempted at 12, never belonged in kindergarten. I wish you luck on whatever future lies ahead of you.

I'm so so sorry to hear that you've had similar experiences lovely. You didn't deserve any of those things. I wonder what would have happened if we met in kindergarten, maybe we wouldn't have had to grow up feeling so alone.
Thank you friend, I wish you the best too

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I've never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of death, I've never understood the appeal to existing, I don't see any benefit to forcing life into this dreadful world filled with endless suffering when the state of non-existence is so ideal. And I've been thinking about suicide methods and escaping this world for such a long time now, suicide certainly is self care as it solves every problem, but the issue is that actually leaving this world isn't straightforward as there sadly are risks and complications involved in trying to die, I hate how we exist in a world where suicide isn't accepted as a valid option.

 

[SmoolPepe]

About 10-11 I`d say. Of course, it was just a passing thought back then, akin to morbid curiosity as I never could imagine myself having a normal life. As years went by, it became rather obvious to me I was indeed not normal at all. I can blend in just fine and be a good "cog in the machine" so to speak, but nothing more, nothing of substance hence why I could never socialize/connect with people or relate to them, which makes having any sort of relationship impossible.
One way or another, I`ll die by my own hand. I don`t know when or how, but it`s inevitable.

 

[Jule_from_Germany]

22. In fact I had never thought of killing myself until finding out that I'm seriously ill two months ago

 

[Moonset]

10 or 11. That's when I first started to SH and then later failed my first attempt at 12

 

[Kerrtu]

I was in the 5th grade. I realized if I was dead, I wouldn't hurt anymore, and nobody could hurt me.

My brother abused me regularly and I didn't think I'd ever get away - only in death.

 

[Erik.t.f]

started thinking about it when i was around 10 only occasionally i thought i can CTB which developed into daily thoughts, 22 now

 

[sombernights]

Title says it all.

I've been suicidal since before I was 10, but it wasn't until the last year that the realization hit me that I'd certainly lose my battle against depression. I guess I had never dwelled on it past the moment of my attempts and always convinced myself I'd improve. Suicidal thoughts existed in me long before I recognized I wouldn't be able to fight them.

When I was like 8 or 10 I knew I would, I told myself I'd give myself until I'm 25 if life didn't get better then I'm CTB. Now here I am.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I was 29 years old - about 5 years ago

 

[WaffleWoman]

Title says it all.

I've been suicidal since before I was 10, but it wasn't until the last year that the realization hit me that I'd certainly lose my battle against depression. I guess I had never dwelled on it past the moment of my attempts and always convinced myself I'd improve. Suicidal thoughts existed in me long before I recognized I wouldn't be able to fight them.

Somewhere in middle school starting get bullied bad by people who i thought were my friends

 

[TAW122]

The first thought of CTB entered my mind, albeit passively when I was a pre-teen. I have never really thought about how to do so except for the fact that I wished I was dead and that life sucks, it is pointless and all. I didn't really think more thoroughly about CTB until after I became an adult.

 

[lucines]

I was 12 when I first became suicidal, at that same age I realized I would eventually die by my own hand. I've been constantly suicidal ever since.

 

[idlegirl]

the first time i seriously considered it i was 11. i began questioning the point of living in a pessimistic way around 10 years old

 

[BloomingRose]

When I was something around 17 I have told myself that I will die by suicide when I'll be around 30 years old.

 

[damianshawl]

Elementary School.
Living just didn't feel right. It's like how, when someone realizes they are MtF or FtM? Their body doesn't feel right to them? That's like me but with myself. From my family, life, everything that's happened to me? It just felt like the world was saying I'm an anomaly that shouldn't be here. And I'm starting to feel ready to accept that finally. Life hasn't really gotten any better and I'm just tired and ready. I plan to die before I turn 30, currently 26 and contemplating one way I think I'll be able to handle CTB.